Privacy Policy

Thank you for visiting the officious Trump® White House, the #1 GREATEST site on the entire World Wide Web, and for being the kind of busybody snoop with nothing better to do than read legal boilerplate small print. Sad! Regarding your privacy on WHITEHOUSE.ORG, we have consulted with the Generals, whose orders are that your personal information be mined at the level deemed necessary, solely at President Trump’s exclusive discretion, to protect America from nuclear holocaust and Mexican ISIS rapists.

Information Collected and Stored Automatically:
During your visit to WHITEHOUSE.ORG, the large-scale harvesting of your sensitive personal information (SPI) will be accomplished as follows:

Upon accessing any page of WHITEHOUSE.ORG for the first time, a proprietary trojan applet developed by Trump® Data Holdings LLC (dba “Cambridge Analytica”), under no-bid contract with the NSA, will be stealthily installed on your electronic device. The Trump® Applet will silently monitor your activity, generating bi-weekly executive summaries, delivered to Trump® mainframe databases via 128-bit encrypted stealth uplink. The following information about you will be included:

  • Your device operating system
  • Your “IP” address and/or Internet domain access point
  • Your full name
  • Your e-mail address(es)
  • Your physical address(es)
  • Your credit card number(s)
  • Your blood type
  • Reporting Period Summary of:
    • Websites visited
    • FAKE NEWS consumed
    • Any use of the Mexican language
    • Keyword searches performed
    • Trump® Hotels reservations booked
    • E-mails/text/IMs composed & received
    • Pornography downloaded
    • Selfie dick pics, vag-shots, and/or misc. nudes

PLEASE NOTE: You need take no further action at this time. If you are reading this, your computer or smartphone has already been conscripted as a slave of the Trump® Botnet.

If You Send Us Personal Information:
If you choose to voluntarily furnish Trump® White House with personal information, whether through the officious contact form on WHITEHOUSE.ORG, or via our satellite pages/accounts on soul-leeching social networks such as Facebook, Twitter, Snapgasm, or InstaSpace, be aware that the information you provide WILL be exploited and publicly disseminated in all the showiest, most profitable ways imaginable. It will be huge!

Usage of Collected User Data:
All personally identifiable data collected about you on WHITEHOUSE.ORG will be used to assemble a comprehensive consumer profile, from which your tastes and propensities will be subjected to artificial intelligence (AI) analysis in order to bombard you with laser-focused, algorithm-driven direct marketing and hate propaganda, including but not limited to political fundraising campaigns, GPS-triggered proximity coupons, Klan rallies, and exclusive really classy offers like discounts to fabulous spa facials at the one and only Trump® Waikiki Resort! You’re welcome, America!

Ahem. See Also: The REAL WHITEHOUSE.ORG Privacy Policy

KING DONALD J. TRUMP

Donald J. Trump: America’s most kick-ass President EVER! More famous than dirty hippy Jesus, he’s so fucking classy, he even shits in a SOLID GOLD TOILET. SO BOW & WORSHIP HIS MAGNIFICENT PRIAPIC TUMESCENCE, YOU WORTHLESS PISS-POOR LOSERS!

THE TRANSITION: First 100 Days

My transition is going so smooth, SO FREAKING SMOOTH, folks. Like, smoother than Ivanka's thighs, OK? #MAGA  - @WHITEHOUSE_ORG ###  

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Now Neiman Marcus is kicking my sexy girl to the curb! I told Bibi the Jews can forget about America’s support!

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Jerry Falwell Jr. of Liberty University was fantastic on “Fox & Friends.” The Fake News should listen to what he had to say. Thanks Jerry!

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Failing @NYTimes does FAKE NEWS saying I’m blowing it with STUPID CHINA.

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Donald J. Trump is, BAR NONE, the greatest-ever (and most horse-cocked) President in the entire history of this total...

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THE PRESIDENT: GREAT NEWS about the BIGLY $ettlement for Melania! So let that be a lesson to any lousy website that can’t afford to pay the KGB to bury any proof that my hotwife allegedly worked the breadlines of Slovenia as a hooker! Believe me folks, nobody knows...

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POTUS: My job is to make every asthmatic brat on earth gasp & wheeze & wish they’d never been born such pathetic rejects! #ParisAccord

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Believe me, so-called “Trans” people should feel lucky they’re not pissing in a bucket around the corner…

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Neil Gorsuch — Isn’t he FABULOUS, folks? So fabulous. You know I like having judges who owe me, OK?

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Be SCARED, because at any moment you could be murdered at Carl’s Junior by a one-legged Syrian war orphan!