Thank you for visiting the officious Trump® White House, the #1 GREATEST site on the entire World Wide Web, and for being the kind of busybody snoop with nothing better to do than read legal boilerplate small print. Sad! Regarding your privacy on WHITEHOUSE.ORG, we have consulted with the Generals, whose orders are that your personal information be mined at the level deemed necessary, solely at President Trump’s exclusive discretion, to protect America from nuclear holocaust and Mexican ISIS rapists.
Information Collected and Stored Automatically:
During your visit to WHITEHOUSE.ORG, the large-scale harvesting of your sensitive personal information (SPI) will be accomplished as follows:
Upon accessing any page of WHITEHOUSE.ORG for the first time, a proprietary trojan applet developed by Trump® Data Holdings LLC (dba “Cambridge Analytica”), under no-bid contract with the NSA, will be stealthily installed on your electronic device. The Trump® Applet will silently monitor your activity, generating bi-weekly executive summaries, delivered to Trump® mainframe databases via 128-bit encrypted stealth uplink. The following information about you will be included:
- Your device operating system
- Your “IP” address and/or Internet domain access point
- Your full name
- Your e-mail address(es)
- Your physical address(es)
- Your credit card number(s)
- Your blood type
- Reporting Period Summary of:
- Websites visited
- FAKE NEWS consumed
- Any use of the Mexican language
- Keyword searches performed
- Trump® Hotels reservations booked
- E-mails/text/IMs composed & received
- Pornography downloaded
- Selfie dick pics, vag-shots, and/or misc. nudes
PLEASE NOTE: You need take no further action at this time. If you are reading this, your computer or smartphone has already been conscripted as a slave of the Trump® Botnet.
If You Send Us Personal Information:
If you choose to voluntarily furnish Trump® White House with personal information, whether through the officious contact form on WHITEHOUSE.ORG, or via our satellite pages/accounts on soul-leeching social networks such as Facebook, Twitter, Snapgasm, or InstaSpace, be aware that the information you provide WILL be exploited and publicly disseminated in all the showiest, most profitable ways imaginable. It will be huge!
Usage of Collected User Data:
All personally identifiable data collected about you on WHITEHOUSE.ORG will be used to assemble a comprehensive consumer profile, from which your tastes and propensities will be subjected to artificial intelligence (AI) analysis in order to bombard you with laser-focused, algorithm-driven direct marketing, including but not limited to political fundraising campaigns, GPS-triggered proximity coupons, and exclusive really classy offers like discounts to fabulous spa facials at the one and only Trump® Waikiki Resort! You’re welcome, America!