Author: johnwooden

Proclamation: 5 Reasons Why Andrew Jackson Is The 2nd Greatest President Ever

THE PRESIDENT: People come in the Oval Office and ask me, why do you have a boring, old painting of this “Andrew Jackson” fuck? I get their point: It’s not even a Thomas Kinkade! I tell them: “For only one reason: President Bannon is now the Oval Office interior decorator. Who knew that boozer was such a homo?” Plus, he gave me these five notecards about #POTUS7 – and now nobody knows more about history or Andrew Jackson than me! I decided Jackson was almost as fantastic as I am, and here’s five reasons why: $20 Bills: Jackson’s face is...

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Jobs at Trump® White House

Have you always dreamed of a career in the civil service?  Well, you can kindly fuck off, loser. This White House is only hiring people who show a proud inability to do any of the detail-obsessed, pencil-pushing bureaucratic bullshit that used to taint the Executive Branch with almost homosexual-levels of perfectionist wonkery and so-called “competence.”  At Trump® White House, it’s not enough just to not do your job – you also have to believe NOBODY should ever do it.   Most of you know President Apprentice Donald J. Trump as a cartoon character on television, famous for firing an endless...

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Eric Trump® Presents: Trump Winery® ClassyGrape™

Eric Trump Presents: Trump Winery®. Who knew that plain old Smuckers® jelly grapes could be stomped on by underpaid Mexicans and sold for $50/bottle? Prodigal son Eric did! All Trump® wines** are renowned among really classy people who totally like to party in a super-sophisticated way. “Wine is a Trump family tradition. When I was, like, nine, Daddy taught me the fundamentals of fermentation: ‘White goes with Blondes. Red goes with Brunettes. And sparkling will get you any kind of pussy you want – even anal!’” – Eric Trump, CEO Experts Agree: Funky, unpleasant nose smelled like a Glade plug-in....

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