Author: johnwooden

President On Mexico’s Refusal To Pay For Wall

THE PRESIDENT: So fed up with Mexico’s stinginess! And I thought *Americans* were cheapasses about paying for stuff America needs! Sad! So I says to Mexico, “OK, you can buy the goddamn wall on layaway — 3,900 easy installments! Or howza ’bout a reverse mortgage on Acapulco? Jesus Fucking Christ, let’s do a deal, Pablo!” – @FantasticPOTUS...

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An America-Only FOREIGN POLICY

THE PRESIDENT: For too long, America has been the world’s nice, rich uncle, handing out candy, winks and presents — but getting nothing in return except a couple fingers barely under the Underoos. No more! Starting now, America is the world’s cranky grandpa in the unfunded nursing home — tired of chaffing in Depends so heavy with piss and corn chowder, they’re drooping to our patriotic knees. This, while the rest of the world is out having a great time eating solid food? Unfair! No more, folks. Plus — now that I have my finger on the button, I’m retiring my trademark...

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