Author: johnwooden


THE PRESIDENT: For too long, America has been the world’s nice, rich uncle, handing out candy, winks and presents — but getting nothing in return except a couple fingers barely under the Underoos. No more! Starting now, America is the world’s cranky grandpa in the unfunded nursing home — tired of chaffing in Depends so heavy with piss and corn chowder, they’re drooping to our patriotic knees. This, while the rest of the world is out having a great time eating solid food? Unfair! No more, folks. Plus — now that I have my finger on the button, I’m retiring my trademark...

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An America-Only ENERGY Plan

THE PRESIDENT: On energy, I will stop supporting sissy stuff like wind and solar and rainbows and all that liberal hippy-dippy spiral-dancer earth-lover bullshit, and go back to a future where huge, dick-like smokestacks belch out thick, beautiful GOLDEN clouds of profit. It’s like my gorgeous (current) wife told me, “Dahling, how can ze coal be so bad? Without coals, no diamonds. And without diamonds, no me!” And Melania® is right: Every time the sun is blocked by Clean Coal it is really just so-called “pollution” giving you ungrateful tree-grabbin’ crybabies as close a look at real diamonds as you’ll...

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An America-Only JOBS & GROWTH Plan

THE PRESIDENT: To stimulate jobs, we must gut any and all regulations that stand in the way of profit at any cost. That’s why for every new regulation, I will require that two be eliminated! Which ones? Pick out of a hat — I don’t care. Details are for nosy Special Prosecutors and Jewish accountants! I mean, who doesn’t love a two-for-one deal, right?  Say the Department of Labor wants a new law so you can lay off knocked-up ugly chicks? I’m gonna say, “Great idea! But two rules gotta go: First, the EPA’s gonna have to abolish the one that says...

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America-Only LGBTQ Stuff

THE PRESIDENT: OK, I got nothing against the homos. If I did, would I have used Liberace as my decorator? He took one look at my Trump Tower condo and said, “Giiiiirl, I’m going to whomp this wasteland up ’til she looks like a Persian prostitute won the lottery!”  Just think what gilded goodness he could have brought to the stuffy White House. Sad! No, they’re so fabulous, the homos. I mean, you should see Melania® without her homo beauticians. She’s already dropped from a 9 to a 7, as she rapidly ages out of the Mrs. Trump job, but...

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