Author: johnwooden

Jared Kushner: #1 Son

President Trump’s Senior White House Advisor is the proud incarnation of Millennial Entitlement. Many common morons who lack genius and vision wonder, “What does President Trump see in his anodyne son-in-law Jared Kushner, anyway?” As the greatest-ever POTUS in history, Mr. Trump knows it’s very important to be surrounded by people with backgrounds and perspectives different from his own. In Jared, he sees something totally alien to him: a political neophyte male offspring of a powerful real estate tycoon, whose daddy was a) investigated by federal authorities for illegal activities; b) gave him the only job he’s ever had and c)...

Read More

Mike Pence: Vice President

Michael R. Pence is the 48th and current Vice President of the United States, with NO designs on ascending to the Presidency in the wake of a spectacular implosion of the non-cognitively-compromised 45th President of the United States. Michael R. Pence was born in Columbus, Indiana, on June 7, 1959, one of six children born to Edward and Nancy Pence. He likes women. He absolutely, positively likes women. Raised in a staunchly pious family, Mike Pence nevertheless felt a desperate yearning to renew his Christian faith while yet a tender undergraduate at Hanover College. There were women there. He genuinely liked...

Read More

Karen Pence: Second Lady

Mrs. Mike Pence is a woman. Vice President Mike Pence met the future Mrs. Mike Pence in church. She became the legally wed wife of Mike Pence in 1984. Mrs. Mike Pence successfully gestated Mike Pence’s three children. Later, Mrs. Mike Pence was briefly the Founder & Inventor of “That’s My Towel!”, a purveyor of tin clip-on baubles which give peace of mind that you aren’t drying your face with the same swatch of musty terrycloth that someone else just used to sponge country club pool water out of their moist hiney crack. Now post-menopausal, Mrs. Mike Pence is barren, so needn’t bother arranging the...

Read More