Author: johnwooden

America-Only LGBTQ Stuff

THE PRESIDENT: OK, I got nothing against the homos. If I did, would I have used Liberace as my decorator? He took one look at my Trump Tower condo and said, “Giiiiirl, I’m going to whomp this wasteland up ’til she looks like a Persian prostitute won the lottery!”  Just think what gilded goodness he could have brought to the stuffy White House. Sad! No, they’re so fabulous, the homos. I mean, you should see Melania® without her homo beauticians. She’s already dropped from a 9 to a 7, as she rapidly ages out of the Mrs. Trump job, but...

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America-Only IMMIGRATION

THE PRESIDENT: On immigration, we’re gonna get rid of immigration; we’re gonna have immiGREATion. It will be so great. I don’t know how yet, but believe me. There may be no fresh produce in your grocery store, but that’s a small price to pay for never having to press 1 for English. Also, I will not rest until we bring to justice any illegal immigrant who lesbian nude models without a VISA. So to my beautiful current wife Melania®, I have two words: #PresidentialPardonBaby! #PolicyByTweet: #ImmiGREATion means banning all Muslamics. And anyone else who didn’t vote for #TrumpTrain. NOTE...

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HUGE TRADE Deals

THE PRESIDENT: On the Trans-Pacific Partnership, I will do what I do with all “TP” – flush it! And tell all those trannie pacifists they’ll NEVER pee in the wrong bathroom at the TRUMP White House. #MAGA #PolicyByTweet: We need to go back to saying the words “BUY AMERICAN!” But doing it is too expensive, OK? Don’t worry: I know Russians who make AMAZING steel! #MAGA –...

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Making Our Military HUGE Again

THE PRESIDENT: Who needs healthcare, education, the arts, or diplomacy, when we can stuff all that money down the gullets of corporate military contractors, like when L’il Donnie makes homemade foie gras with the Mar-a-Lago geese? (That stuff is so classy and delicious, we’re gonna sell it as Trump® Toothpaste.) This is why my budget includes the biggest military buildup since Ronald Reagan brought the world to the brink of thermonuclear apocalypse. The Gipper knew how important it was that all the loser countries think America has the biggest, most swingingest dick on earth — which is why he spared NO...

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