That So-Called “Race” Stuff

THE PRESIDENT: OK, since everyone is whining about it so much, today I want to recite for the record that the KKK and the alt-Right and the “Proud Boys” and all those other white power fellas, many of whom are very high quality people — I know; they work for me — and who give my rallies such fabulously high energy, are… “thugs.”

So there, I said it. Will that finally make all you Christ-killing reporters happy? Of course, not. Whatever. Like I care, anyways. My base knows that me calling them “thugs” is just a little inside joke. They think it’s hilarious I’m calling them a word that everyone knows is code for “urban negro.” Next time maybe I’ll call them “pickaninnies” or “Kanyes.” My peeps get me!

Look, after the Charlottesville “We Love Trump” rally, I was very careful to point out that hatred, like Megyn Kelly’s blood, comes “from many sides,” and I will never retract that. Because hating hate is still hate, so who’s to say which is worse? I mean, if Trump Supporter Person hates negroes and lynches them for sport, but Crooked Hillary Supporter Person hates lynching because, I don’t know, they worry about damaging trees, that’s hate on both sides — am I right? [PAUSE FOR APPLAUSE.]

Look, I only like people who like me, OK? The Blacks don’t like me. They like Osama and Hillary. But just because I don’t like the Blacks doesn’t mean I hate the Blacks! Some are very useful — like Omarosa and Dr. Ben Carson, who are so great at trolling all the those other annoying coloreds who DON’T worship me like the golden-haired, horse-dicked billionaire stud that I am.

So today I’m reading some “Presidential” words off a teleprompter through gritted teeth, then taking no questions afterwards, but it won’t change my Immigration policy, or the travel ban, or my plan to use these super-exciting race riots to make sure the prisons are back at 100% high-pigment occupancy.

Because yes, for the record, “racism is evil.” Like the old spiritual said, “Nobody knows the trouble the White Male has seen!”  I think we can all “amen” to that!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go demonize some turncoat darkie CEO on the Twatter…

Executive Order Regarding First Lady-Daughter’s Clothing Line

Executive Order #34567: Everybody in America has to wear IVANKA TRUMP® panties OR ELSE!

Celebrating #RealNews Pundit Jerry Falwell, Jr.

Jerry Falwell Jr. of Liberty University was fantastic on “Fox & Friends.” The Fake News should listen to what he had to say. Thanks Jerry!

People Are Saying: TRUMPCARE® ROCKS!

People Are Saying: TRUMPCARE® ROCKS! Darlene Johnson - Head Mop at the Porn Palace in Knoxville TN, shares her inspiring tale of overcoming stupid Obamacare's #FAKENEWS to arrive at a TRUMPCARE® MIRACLE!   ###  

Executive Order On Gender Urination Stagefright

Believe me, so-called “Trans” people should feel lucky they’re not pissing in a bucket around the corner…

USA-ONLY FOREIGN POLICY

THE PRESIDENT: For too long, America has been the world’s nice, rich uncle, handing out candy, winks and presents — but getting nothing in return except a couple fingers barely under the Underoos. No more! Starting now, America is the world’s cranky grandpa in the...

President Announces SCOTUS Appointee Neil Gorsuch

Neil Gorsuch — Isn’t he FABULOUS, folks? So fabulous. You know I like having judges who owe me, OK?

Abortion Rights WRONGS

THE PRESIDENT: I never really cared about abortion – beyond demanding receipts before cutting the reimbursement checks…

President’s Statement On Failing, Stupid Nordstrom & Other Loser Retailers

Now Neiman Marcus is kicking my sexy girl to the curb! I told Bibi the Jews can forget about America’s support!

President Brings A-List Glamour of “Celebrity Apprentice” To Oval Office

President Trump® was proud to serve a taxpayer-financed feast to America's favorite millionaire culture warriors: Professional Redneck Kid Rock, Fair-Weather Governor Sarah Palin, and Race Mongrelization Deterrent Ted “The Nuge” Nugent. Below are highlights from this...

Proclamation: 5 Reasons Why Andrew Jackson Is The 2nd Greatest President Ever

THE PRESIDENT: People come in the Oval Office and ask me, why do you have a boring, old painting of this "Andrew Jackson" fuck? I get their point: It’s not even a Thomas Kinkade! I tell them: “For only one reason: President Bannon is now the Oval Office interior...