That So-Called “Race” Stuff

THE PRESIDENT: OK, since everyone is whining about it so much, today I want to recite for the record that the KKK and the alt-Right and the “Proud Boys” and all those other white power fellas, many of whom are very high quality people — I know; they work for me — and who give my rallies such fabulously high energy, are… “thugs.”

So there, I said it. Will that finally make all you Christ-killing reporters happy? Of course, not. Whatever. Like I care, anyways. My base knows that me calling them “thugs” is just a little inside joke. They think it’s hilarious I’m calling them a word that everyone knows is code for “urban negro.” Next time maybe I’ll call them “pickaninnies” or “Kanyes.” My peeps get me!

Look, after the Charlottesville “We Love Trump” rally, I was very careful to point out that hatred, like Megyn Kelly’s blood, comes “from many sides,” and I will never retract that. Because hating hate is still hate, so who’s to say which is worse? I mean, if Trump Supporter Person hates negroes and lynches them for sport, but Crooked Hillary Supporter Person hates lynching because, I don’t know, they worry about damaging trees, that’s hate on both sides — am I right? [PAUSE FOR APPLAUSE.]

Look, I only like people who like me, OK? The Blacks don’t like me. They like Osama and Hillary. But just because I don’t like the Blacks doesn’t mean I hate the Blacks! Some are very useful — like Omarosa and Dr. Ben Carson, who are so great at trolling all the those other annoying coloreds who DON’T worship me like the golden-haired, horse-dicked billionaire stud that I am.

So today I’m reading some “Presidential” words off a teleprompter through gritted teeth, then taking no questions afterwards, but it won’t change my Immigration policy, or the travel ban, or my plan to use these super-exciting race riots to make sure the prisons are back at 100% high-pigment occupancy.

Because yes, for the record, “racism is evil.” Like the old spiritual said, “Nobody knows the trouble the White Male has seen!”  I think we can all “amen” to that!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go demonize some turncoat darkie CEO on the Twatter…

President’s Weekly Vacation Schedule

If it’s Monday, that means POTUS is back from his $3+Million vacation & ready to #MAGA – for a few days anyway…

President Responds To Terror-Loving Airport Trespassers

Be SCARED, because at any moment you could be murdered at Carl’s Junior by a one-legged Syrian war orphan!

Obamacare Horror Stories: Roger’s Lung Cancer

ATTENTION PATRIOTS: President Trump will not rest until Obamacare is DEAD; drowned in the river like a burlap sack full of worm-infested stray kittens! YOU CAN HELP: Submit your #OBAMACAREHORROR Story @ WHITEHOUSE.ORG/OBAMACARE-HORROR today! ###...

2017 Republican Loyalty Pledge

I do hereby pledge total loyalty to Donald J. Trump, exalted Savior of the dysfunctional Frankenstein non-coalition formerly known as “The Republican Party.”

Melania® Presents: The White House Makeover

“I using high fashion design for redecorate White House so classy. Add puff of gold here, make quaint room for pouting there!”

Secretary DeVos Incorporates All America’s Public Schools In Cayman Islands

Here we go, folks! Secretery Betsy DeVos will RAM change down stupid @USedgov’s throat to Make Educasion Great Again! #MEGA - @FantasticPOTUS ###

People Are Saying: TRUMPCARE® ROCKS!

People Are Saying: TRUMPCARE® ROCKS! Darlene Johnson - Head Mop at the Porn Palace in Knoxville TN, shares her inspiring tale of overcoming stupid Obamacare's #FAKENEWS to arrive at a TRUMPCARE® MIRACLE!   ###  

President Reacts To HUGE Crowds In Washington

Best, most HUGE Inauguration in History! We couldn’t keep the broads away! Even more showed up the second day!

Swearing-In Statement: Attorney General Jeff Sessions

A dangerous CRIME WAVE of TERRORIST MEXICAN BLACK LIVES MATTER GEORGE SOROS PROTESTORS is sweeping AMERICA and NO ONE is safe! Don’t look at FBI statistics because they’re FAKE FACTS!

America-Only LGBTQ Stuff

THE PRESIDENT: OK, I got nothing against the homos. If I did, would I have used Liberace as my decorator? He took one look at my Trump Tower condo and said, "Giiiiirl, I'm going to whomp this wasteland up 'til she looks like a Persian prostitute won the lottery!"...