Preemptive Pardon of Donald Trump Jr. FULL TEXT

DONALD J. TRUMP

GREATEST-EVER AND MOST-HUNGEST POTUS

HAS THIS DAY ISSUED UNTO

DONALD TRUMP, JR.

A PREEMPTIVE PARDON

PURSUANT TO AN EXECUTIVE DECLARATION OF 1500% INNOCENCE, MADE SUBJECT TO THE TOTAL WITCH HUNT WHICH NOW REALLY THREATENS TO TURN MY SUPER-TAN, CHIN-CHALLENGED MINI-ME INTO THE CUM DUMPSTER OF FEDERAL CELL BLOCK D. IN FURTHERANCE OF L’IL DONNIE’S SLOPPY FUCKUPS BRAGGING TO ME ABOUT HIS STUPID MEETINGS AND LEAVING A PAPER TRAIL ABOUT OLLUSION-CAY WITH THE USSIANS-RAY, WHICH IF ANYONE IS GUILTY FOR, IT’S HIS GOLD-DIGGER HAG MOTHER IVANA AND HER GARBAGE CZECHOSLOVAKIAN DNA THAT MADE HIM HALF RETARD. SAD! IN ACCORDANCE WITH THIS AUTHORITY I HAVE SIGNED MY HUGE, SPIKEY, SUPER-MACHO SIGNATURE WHICH I PRACTICE ON ARBY’S NAPKINS ALL DAY LONG, AND AFFIXED THE REALLY CLASSY, TOTALLY FANCY ROYAL CREST THAT I STOLE FROM SOME LOSER FAMILY IN SCOTLAND, AND AFFIRM THAT THIS ACTION IS THE ACT OF THE PRESIDENT, WHO CAN DO WHATEVER HE WANTS, OK? DONE AT THE CITY OF WASHINGTON, A TOTAL DUMP OVERFLOWING WITH THE BLACKS HIGH ON THE CRACKAMPHETAMINE, THIS 12th DAY OF JULY, 2017.

DONALD J. TRUMP

P.S. – Jared & Ivanka, too!