NOW HIRING: BACKUP U.S. ATTORNEY GENERAL
WANTED: Trump® White House seeks a backup Attorney General to unquestioningly obey Mighty POTUS, but tell America he is running the Justice Department through (at least) eight years of 100% undetected scandal and treasonous criminality.
- Must be LOYAL, DISCREET & COMPLIANT team player
- Violent aversion to “recusal” and other flashy acts of so-called “integrity” and “legality”
- Must demonstrate an eagerness to flush a stable, twenty-year Senate (or other) career down the toilet in exchange for six months of toxic chaos
- Ability to convincingly deflect nosy lines of questioning from pushy Jew Senators or domestic enemy combatants (aka “reporters”)
- Ability to believe and defend new facts on an ad hoc basis
- Passing familiarity with only the useful parts of that Constitution thing
- Ability to ideate and execute creative solutions for protecting voting boxes from negroes and other DNC enablers
- Memory uncluttered with inconvenient recollections of enemy spy conclaves and/or cross burnings
- Fluency in flattery and Russian
- Ability to take near-constant knifing in the back “so long as it is appropriate”
- Looking like one of “The Lollipop Guild” a plus
- Prevent appointment of Special Prosecutor(s) via the dutiful sweeping of Executive Branch wrongdoing under metaphorical rugs
- Oversee and hamstring the worthless, law-obsessed bureaucrats who make up the Department of Justice
- Ensure that rural law enforcement has access to cool badass stuff like bazookas and tanks and flying killbots.
- Provide legal cover for all the brave, heroic cops who suffer trigger-happy mortal terror in the mere presence of coloreds
- Conflate the pharmaceutical opioid epidemic with smoking doobies
- Rebrand the failed and costly “War on Drugs” the new “War on Them Mexicans” Supervise the expansion of our for-profit prison system, ensuring its customers are plentiful and well-pigmented.
COMPENSATION: $205,700 / year
Now accepting aspiring apparatchik resumes via ZipRecruiter.com. Trump® White House is an equal opportunity employer; easily sunburned natives of the Missibama quadrangle are encouraged to apply.