WANTED: Trump® White House seeks a backup Attorney General to unquestioningly obey Mighty POTUS, but tell America he is running the Justice Department through (at least) eight years of 100% undetected scandal and treasonous criminality.


  • Must be LOYAL, DISCREET & COMPLIANT team player
  • Violent aversion to “recusal” and other flashy acts of so-called “integrity” and “legality”
  • Must demonstrate an eagerness to flush a stable, twenty-year Senate (or other) career down the toilet in exchange for six months of toxic chaos
  • Ability to convincingly deflect nosy lines of questioning from pushy Jew Senators or domestic enemy combatants (aka “reporters”)
  • Ability to believe and defend new facts on an ad hoc basis
  • Passing familiarity with only the useful parts of that Constitution thing
  • Ability to ideate and execute creative solutions for protecting voting boxes from negroes and other DNC enablers
  • Memory uncluttered with inconvenient recollections of enemy spy conclaves and/or cross burnings
  • Fluency in flattery and Russian
  • Ability to take near-constant knifing in the back “so long as it is appropriate”
  • Looking like one of “The Lollipop Guild” a plus


  • Prevent appointment of Special Prosecutor(s) via the dutiful sweeping of Executive Branch wrongdoing under metaphorical rugs
  • Oversee and hamstring the worthless, law-obsessed bureaucrats who make up the Department of Justice
  • Ensure that rural law enforcement has access to cool badass stuff like bazookas and tanks and flying killbots.
  • Provide legal cover for all the brave, heroic cops who suffer trigger-happy mortal terror in the mere presence of coloreds
  • Conflate the pharmaceutical opioid epidemic with smoking doobies
  • Rebrand the failed and costly “War on Drugs” the new “War on Them Mexicans” Supervise the expansion of our for-profit prison system, ensuring its customers are plentiful and well-pigmented.

COMPENSATION: $205,700 / year

Now accepting aspiring apparatchik resumes via Trump® White House is an equal opportunity employer; easily sunburned natives of the Missibama quadrangle are encouraged to apply.

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THE PRESIDENT: For too long, America has been the world’s nice, rich uncle, handing out candy, winks and presents — but getting nothing in return except a couple fingers barely under the Underoos. No more! Starting now, America is the world’s cranky grandpa in the...