NOW HIRING: BACKUP U.S. ATTORNEY GENERAL

NOW HIRING: BACKUP U.S. ATTORNEY GENERAL

WANTED: Trump® White House seeks a backup Attorney General to unquestioningly obey Mighty POTUS, but tell America he is running the Justice Department through (at least) eight years of 100% undetected scandal and treasonous criminality.

REQUIREMENTS:

  • Must be LOYAL, DISCREET & COMPLIANT team player
  • Violent aversion to “recusal” and other flashy acts of so-called “integrity” and “legality”
  • Must demonstrate an eagerness to flush a stable, twenty-year Senate (or other) career down the toilet in exchange for six months of toxic chaos
  • Ability to convincingly deflect nosy lines of questioning from pushy Jew Senators or domestic enemy combatants (aka “reporters”)
  • Ability to believe and defend new facts on an ad hoc basis
  • Passing familiarity with only the useful parts of that Constitution thing
  • Ability to ideate and execute creative solutions for protecting voting boxes from negroes and other DNC enablers
  • Memory uncluttered with inconvenient recollections of enemy spy conclaves and/or cross burnings
  • Fluency in flattery and Russian
  • Ability to take near-constant knifing in the back “so long as it is appropriate”
  • Looking like one of “The Lollipop Guild” a plus

PRIMARY RESPONSIBILITIES:

  • Prevent appointment of Special Prosecutor(s) via the dutiful sweeping of Executive Branch wrongdoing under metaphorical rugs
  • Oversee and hamstring the worthless, law-obsessed bureaucrats who make up the Department of Justice
  • Ensure that rural law enforcement has access to cool badass stuff like bazookas and tanks and flying killbots.
  • Provide legal cover for all the brave, heroic cops who suffer trigger-happy mortal terror in the mere presence of coloreds
  • Conflate the pharmaceutical opioid epidemic with smoking doobies
  • Rebrand the failed and costly “War on Drugs” the new “War on Them Mexicans” Supervise the expansion of our for-profit prison system, ensuring its customers are plentiful and well-pigmented.

COMPENSATION: $205,700 / year

Now accepting aspiring apparatchik resumes via ZipRecruiter.com. Trump® White House is an equal opportunity employer; easily sunburned natives of the Missibama quadrangle are encouraged to apply.

President’s Termination Letter to FBI Director James Comey

I am releasing this letter to the news media first, specifically so I can reference to informing me, on THREE separate occasions, that I AM TOTALLY NOT UNDER INVESTIGATION!

Jared Kusher Statement On Russian Collusion

By Popular Demand: Jared Kushner, ethically spotless Sr. White House Advisor & Secretary Of All the Complicated Stuff, goes on the record regarding his alleged treason.

An America-Only JOBS & GROWTH Plan

THE PRESIDENT: To stimulate jobs, we must gut any and all regulations that stand in the way of profit at any cost. That's why for every new regulation, I will require that two be eliminated! Which ones? Pick out of a hat -- I don’t care. Details are for nosy Special...

Standing Up For LAW ENFORCEMENT

THE PRESIDENT: As all my addresses to Joint Sessions of Congress will make abundantly clear: America is, basically, a costume party. If you wear a uniform, you get worshipped -- no questions asked. You can riddle a black teenager, who's begging for mercy, with bullets...

Executive Order Repealing Obamacare

“Obamacare” meant Obama himself was using his bare hand to give little
white girls pelvic exams…

The 5th of May FREEDOM FIESTA

TACO 'BOUT A nICE PARTY! Calling All Dreamers! Join El Hefe Trump® for fun, Fritos, and foreigners! Friday, May 5, 2017 White House South Lawn FREE to the pigmented public! Leave your ID at home! Fabulous Prizes: All-expenses paid vacations to exotic Tijuana!...

2017 Republican Loyalty Pledge

I do hereby pledge total loyalty to Donald J. Trump, exalted Savior of the dysfunctional Frankenstein non-coalition formerly known as “The Republican Party.”

Making Our Military HUGE Again

THE PRESIDENT: Who needs healthcare, education, the arts, or diplomacy, when we can stuff all that money down the gullets of corporate military contractors, like when L'il Donnie makes homemade foie gras with the Mar-a-Lago geese? (That stuff is so classy and...

Melania® Presents: The White House Makeover

“I using high fashion design for redecorate White House so classy. Add puff of gold here, make quaint room for pouting there!”

Proclamation: 5 Reasons Why Andrew Jackson Is The 2nd Greatest President Ever

THE PRESIDENT: People come in the Oval Office and ask me, why do you have a boring, old painting of this "Andrew Jackson" fuck? I get their point: It’s not even a Thomas Kinkade! I tell them: “For only one reason: President Bannon is now the Oval Office interior...