YOUR INFORMATION:

I am a… [check all that apply]

Totally non-disappointed Trump voter
Mayflower descendant
Level 4 Breitbart Commenter
Easily-sunburned victim of CONSTANT discrimination
Non-paranoid assault weapon hoarder
Trump® golf resort member
Christian who is so over that “love your neighbor” bullshit
Proud Boy
Scott Baio Fan Club President, Member and Namesake

I am reporting… [check all that apply]

Aspiring Lettuce Picker(s)
Uppity Genocide Refugee(s)
Female Circumcision Dodger(s)
Laundromat Kingpin(s)
My Goddamn Neighbor(s)
Facebook Coder(s)
Bodega Cashier(s)
Insolent Domestic(s)
Trump® Winery Grape Picker(s)
Snotty Foreign Valedictorian(s)
Asian brat who stole Julliard violin scholarship from my precious child (who doesn’t even play)

Violation(s) I have witnessed:

Lookin’ funny
Actin’ uppity
Ruining calculus grading curve
Saying stuff I didn’t understand. (But I know is about me!)
Stealing Motel 6 housekeeping job I didn’t want. BUT STILL!
Rolling her eyes while dusting when “Duck Dynasty” came on TV
Aficionado of heavy drugs not procured via a respectable licensed pharmacist
Living MY American dream – when they know it’s hard to get ahead on meth, y’all!
Packing oversized, swarthy ding-dong that makes me uncomfortable thinking about it all the dang time!

SUSPECT INFORMATION:

Likely Nation Of Origin:
SelectA Mexico-Type PlaceThe Island of ISISChinkoreaDarkest AfricaSome Non-#1 ShitholeA Blue State

Suspect’s Skintone:

Evidence of Otherness: [check all that apply]

Funny-sounding accent
Funny-sounding name
Doesn’t attend my church
Doesn’t take enough breaks
Doesn’t use enough mayo
Doesn’t think Jeff Gordon is STILL the best NASCAR driver
Posts memes I don’t like or get
Neon lights under car
NPR tote bag
Whole Foods shopper
I think maybe had a Hillary yard sign
Sent children to dangerous, leftist, lesbo indoctrination camps called “colleges”

Location of Suspect(s):
Enter Full Address Here
This is a Lowes® or Home Depot® parking lot.

Number of Suspected Alien(s):

1 (Instant 1% off L’il Donnie BIG BOY PANTS)
2 – 5 (Eligible for new Ivanka® Trump “For The Rest Of You” costume jewelry)
6 – 20 (Eligible for Melania® Trump Museum of Class Tchotchke)
20+ (Automatically enrolled in Trump® Water of the Month club)

I am interested in receiving special offers from Trump® Brands International that laser-target my aspirational insecurity and enable me to live vicariously through the obscene wealth of the American oligarchs who are jetting to fabulous Trump® resorts to eat fabulous chocolate cake on my dime.

SEND (THEM BACK!)