President Trump’s First Trip Abroad

THE PRESIDENT: So fed up with Mexico's stinginess! And I thought *Americans* were cheapasses about paying for stuff America needs! Sad! So I says to Mexico, "OK, you can buy the goddamn wall on layaway -- 3,900 easy installments! Or howza 'bout a reverse mortgage on...

Today, 50 days into my administration, a worshipful national pride stirs in the nine-in-five Americans who voted against Crooked Hillary…

America is all about freedom – to be a Christian. And freedom to shit on losers the Bible tells you to hate because they aren’t Jesus groupies like you!

I am releasing this letter to the news media first, specifically so I can reference to informing me, on THREE separate occasions, that I AM TOTALLY NOT UNDER INVESTIGATION!

Best, most HUGE Inauguration in History! We couldn’t keep the broads away! Even more showed up the second day!

THE PRESIDENT: GREAT NEWS about the BIGLY $ettlement for Melania! So let that be a lesson to any lousy website that can’t afford to pay the KGB to bury any proof that my hotwife allegedly worked the breadlines of Slovenia as a hooker! Believe me folks, nobody knows...

THE PRESIDENT: On the Trans-Pacific Partnership, I will do what I do with all “TP” – flush it! And tell all those trannie pacifists they’ll NEVER pee in the wrong bathroom at the TRUMP White House. #MAGA #PolicyByTweet: We need to go back to saying the words...

THE PRESIDENT: On energy, I will stop supporting sissy stuff like wind and solar and rainbows and all that liberal hippy-dippy spiral-dancer earth-lover bullshit, and go back to a future where huge, dick-like smokestacks belch out thick, beautiful GOLDEN clouds of...

Believe me, so-called “Trans” people should feel lucky they’re not pissing in a bucket around the corner…

“White House employees know they are to pimp only the full-price Trump merchandise,” Chief of Staff Reince Priebus reiterated in a statement to the press.