Jared Kusher Statement On Russian Collusion

TRANSCRIPT: My name is Jared Kushner. I got a $2,000,000 scholarship to Harvard — from my dad!

On the advice of family attorneys, I can’t talk about… ANYTHING.

BUT . . I will say that my Bubbe warned me that a CERTAIN trophy shiksa SOMEONE was a riskier acquisition than 666 5th Avenue. And that certain SOMEONE “shit-sa” should NOT have kept saying “Make Daddy love you! Make Daddy love you! MAKE DADDY LOVE YOU!” if that SOMEONE didn’t know it would take winning an election thru treason to finally get that needy baby to clap his little hands in joy and say, “I love you, little Jew-Jew Jared!”

And maybe – SOMEONE – if you’d just have given me some goy-toy back-channel action once in a while, I wouldn’t have had to turn to the Russians!

Now, I got to go and solve the whole Middle East and cancer this afternoon. And then kick some single moms out of my tenements.

With great privilege comes great re……possessions! And clothes.

– Jared

 

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President’s Weekly Vacation Schedule

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Executive Order On Gender Urination Stagefright

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America-Only RELIGIOUS FREEDOM

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2017 Republican Loyalty Pledge

I do hereby pledge total loyalty to Donald J. Trump, exalted Savior of the dysfunctional Frankenstein non-coalition formerly known as “The Republican Party.”

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