6 SECRETS TO LANDING THE JOB OF YOUR DREAMS!
- Embrace Your Legacy: It doesn’t matter if your are born a slave to, like, a person, or a slave to your Google Calendar, reading my “curated” quotations from some Toni Morrison person about slavery will make you feel your oppression, look up from the page and yell, “Nobody knows da sufferin’ I knows!” So, whether you are arriving on campus in a crowded slave ship or a Prada® Edition stretch Hummer rockin’ an awesome hottub, make the best of the Ivy League education you landed through Daddy pulling strings and writing checks!
- Embrace Your Legacy (Again!): Upon graduating from Daddy’s alma-mater, just say “NYET” to the confidence-warping rigamarole that is “the job market.” After all, so-called “interviewing” and “competition” are anxiety triggers that can lead to wrinkles and puffy eyes (or so my full-time masseuse Rico told me when I used to let him talk). Instead, simply demand the birthright that is your C-Suite executive position at Daddy’s company. Be sure to negotiate your terms firmly – 15 weeks paid vacation and a corner office overlooking the nice side of Central Park are a must! You’ll do fine, and not just because your name is on the building in solid gold 700pt. Times New Roman. You’ll succeed because in business, as in the Presidency, actual knowledge and experience are only prerequisites for people who actually need to work for money! ?
- Look Your Better-Than-Best: It may seem hard to accept, but I wasn’t always a perfectly chiseled and polished slab of carrara marble! As the thought-things I repurposed from Maya Angelou show: Racism is super-bad, but big pores are THE WORST! Like my mother said to me before I could even count karats, “the best way to have less pores on your nose is to have less nose on your face – so get that honker fixed!” It took multiple heavily anesthetized surgeries to shave away any discernible trace of my mother’s Slavic peasant features, but it was TOTES worth it. That’s why I always advise other strong women like me to beg your daddy to bankroll your implants, botox and lipo now. That way you’ll be so irresistible, Daddy just can’t resist when you stomp your LouBoutin slingbacks and DEMAND the annual seven-figure raise you deserve! Besides, I may not mind marrying a Jew, but I’m not going to walk around looking like one, OK??? LOL!
- Marry Well: And often! LOL! I think it was probably Gloria Steinem who said, “The secret to a successful marriage is community property – HIS”. Passion fades, love evaporates, but assets appreciate. And a neat thing to remember, if you want to avoid capital gains on a spouse’s investments: the base value of his stocks “step-up” when he dies. So are you willing to step-up and do what it takes to maximize your portfolios, ladies?
- It’s the Thoughts That Counts: Even though I invented the saying “Actions speak louder than words,” I’ve started to think: Don’t we have enough noise in this world? Saying you have feelings really matters; it’s how we pay useful people when we don’t want to give them money or real estate. It never costs you anything to tell someone you care about them or the boring stuff they do or the ugly apartment they live in. It’s what makes us look human. For example, I always make a point of telling other woman how much I care about them and their “issues.” Women, when they think you care about them, are MUCH more likely to buy handbags – and BOOKS! – from you! See? Kindness is its own reward.
- Pamper Your Soul: With spa days…early and often. Earlier in the book I debunked “the super-woman myth” by showing myself getting my hands dirty in my rooftop New York City garden and by being particularly candid about the difficulty of finding time to balance pretending to be an executive with having a pack of nannies raise my family. It can, at times, be so overwhelming. Like the day my best friend committed suicide. I told myself, “Yes, you are sad now, but one day, one day maybe, you will get beyond this.” It was actually that afternoon. I had a wonderful herbal wrap and felt I could face ANYTHING! I wish I’d thought to tell her to have one!