THE PRESIDENT: [Inhales sharply.] OK, wait until you see how serious I deliver this. So serious. And. Very. Very. Presidential. Like, Sean Hannity will be totally creaming in his pinstripe slacks any second now, folks.

Plus, I have President “She” from Stupid China in the next room. I’ve been trying to cut a deal, but it’s harder getting into bed with him than with Melania®. So to show them both what a monster-dicked bad-ass I am, I’m gonna bomb some shit, OK? Bomb it so hard, folks.

Anyway, yeah, Syria. I am totally focused on this teleprompter – you’ll see. I will eye-rape the shit out of this teleprompter – and it’s set to scroll sloooooow. Here we go… I’m just as curious as you are to know what I’m going to say.

[Inhales sharply.] On Tuesday, Syrian dictator Bashar Al Assad launched a horrible chemical attack on innocent civilians. This, when just five days I go, I said to my Exxon-Mobil boy Secretary Rex Tillerson – “Enough with the Syria already! I mean, this Bashar guy, he talks American with a British accent even fancier than Madonna’s. How bad can he be? Leave him alone; we need to get ISIS!”

Anyway, real Americans don’t give a shit about Syria; they think Syria is that dumb bitch on iPhones who always fucks up when you ask her the closest abortion clinic to your mistress, and then you have to get Google to do it right. 

That’s why I was so, so, so, so surprised when just a few days later, using a deadly nerve agent, Assad choked out the lives of helpless men, women and children. Horrible, brutal stuff folks. Really bad television. But stupid Jeff Zucker at CNN aired it! Roger Ailes never would have aired that without permission he knows I like to eat when I’m watching Fox News, and let me tell you, seeing those little brown babies drowning in their own lung snot almost made me puke right in my taco bowl, folks. Disgusting! But also: Sad!

If I wanted to see those children, I wouldn’t have banned them from coming to America!

Moments ago, I ordered a military strike on the airfield in Syria from where the chemical attack was launched. And I did it without even asking those pussies in Congress, like that U.S. Constipation thing says I’m supposed to. You know, Balack Osama tried to get their approval for years to do that. God, I used to love to mock him for thinking he could do exactly what I’m doing right now! Luckily, if there’s one thing Republicans love more than bombing foreigners, it’s emasculating American black men – especially real smarmy, uppity ones who laugh at you at the 2011 White House Correspondent’s Dinner. Unfair!

Tonight I call on all nations to realize THE DONALD CAN AND WILL FUCK YOU UP no matter what I might have said just a few days ago. And even though part of me really wants to rip someone a new one on Twitter for making me look like such a flip-flopping pantywaist, a much bigger part of me is so grateful, so grateful, folks – for those Syrano children, who gave their lives, so that I could finally swing some military dick around. I mean, I’ve been in office 76 days already. How long did you expect me to wait before I kick off World War III? Let’s do this fucker, America!

Ha, this should put an end to all this jabbering about “Russia” and “collusion”! If not, one of the Koreas is next!

Good night, and God Bless Me, and the entire world, for knowing Me.