President Brings A-List Glamour of “Celebrity Apprentice” To Oval Office

President Trump® was proud to serve a taxpayer-financed feast to America’s favorite millionaire culture warriors: Professional Redneck Kid Rock, Fair-Weather Governor Sarah Palin, and Race Mongrelization Deterrent Ted “The Nuge” Nugent. Below are highlights from this historic, dignified evening.

Palin Nugent Rock Entourage in Oval Office

Governor Palin and her star-studded entourage flank the Old Resolute desk in the Oval Office.  With his usual clenched teeth, POTUS told the group, “Say ‘SLEAZE!’” before the photographer snaps the President’s famous, never-changing, super-sincere smile.  

Sarah Palin Donald Trump Oval Office

Social media gadfly Sarah Palin, wearing an off-the-shoulder doily, tells POTUS that she also keeps all the books she read in the past ten years on her desk.

Kid Rock & Ted Nugent Oval Office

Mr. Rock and Mr. Nugent arrived dressed to impress, in formal attire wholly respectful of the history and solemnity of the Oval Office. Protocol-appropriate undergarments (unpictured) rounded out both ensembles.   

Ted Nugent guitar Oval Office

The Nuge wielded a stunningly patriotic guitar, on which he serenaded POTUS with his stirring new anthem, “Thank Ya Jaysus Are Precedentz Ain’t No Coon No More.” He and POTUS bonded on their shared love of flattering troops almost as vigorously as they avoided becoming troops themselves. As Ted confided to the amused President: “Yeah, you may have felt like shitting your pants when you got a draft notice, but I LITERALLY shit mine to dodge service!” Both laughed incredulously at how non-rich nobodies today actually volunteer to be cannon fodder. Sad!

Sarah Palin & Jared Kushner in Oval Office

While POTUS directs Centcom on which empty Pyongyang hotels to bomb, Governor Palin tells Co-President Kushner that she doesn’t believe half the things she hears about his people. Well, almost half.

Following dinner, Press Secretary Spicer took the assembled luminaries on an all-access tour. White House protocol that men not wear hats on their heads indoors was waived for the bucolic, costume-loving show people. Mrs. Palin, however, had politely insisted on removing anything from (or in) her head beforehand.

To cap off the evening (and troll Interweb Libtards), the three entertainers took a moment to snap a snarky “fuck you” selfie in front of Hillary Clinton’s portrait, just before drunkenly smearing their feces on the official portrait of President Obama.



THE PRESIDENT: On ethics reform, as part of my plan to "Drain the Swamp" so we can frack the shit out of it, I will immediately release my tax returns, eliminate all conflicts of interest, and liquidate my foreign holdings. (PAUSE) OK, I’m fucking with you. Again....

President Trump’s First Trip Abroad


America-Only LGBTQ Stuff

THE PRESIDENT: OK, I got nothing against the homos. If I did, would I have used Liberace as my decorator? He took one look at my Trump Tower condo and said, "Giiiiirl, I'm going to whomp this wasteland up 'til she looks like a Persian prostitute won the lottery!"...

Evangelicals For Trump!

In the wake of mass resignations from President Trump's CEO, Infrastructure and Arts Councils, U.S. Secretary of Religious Freedom Pastor Deacon Fred explains why evangelical support for POTUS remains ROCK HARD.   ###  

Executive Order On Alternative Science

Vaccines are FAKE MEDICINE. From now on, Measles will be called “Freedom Freckles.”


Today, 50 days into my administration, a worshipful national pride stirs in the nine-in-five Americans who voted against Crooked Hillary…


100% regular, all-American person “Andy from Arkansas” has wise words for stupid losers who think POTUS secretly loves glorious Mother Russia!

President’s Blueprint For Israeli Peace

OK - 1, 2, 50 state solution? I don't care. According to Bannon, Jesus is going to destroy that whole ugly dustbowl anyhow. Luckily there's always room at MY Inn: Trump® #MiddleEast Resorts! - @FantasticPOTUS

Statement On First Lady Smacking Down Loser Blogger

THE PRESIDENT: GREAT NEWS about the BIGLY $ettlement for Melania! So let that be a lesson to any lousy website that can’t afford to pay the KGB to bury any proof that my hotwife allegedly worked the breadlines of Slovenia as a hooker! Believe me folks, nobody knows...

Proclamation: 5 Reasons Why Andrew Jackson Is The 2nd Greatest President Ever

THE PRESIDENT: People come in the Oval Office and ask me, why do you have a boring, old painting of this "Andrew Jackson" fuck? I get their point: It’s not even a Thomas Kinkade! I tell them: “For only one reason: President Bannon is now the Oval Office interior...