President Brings A-List Glamour of “Celebrity Apprentice” To Oval Office

President Trump® was proud to serve a taxpayer-financed feast to America’s favorite millionaire culture warriors: Professional Redneck Kid Rock, Fair-Weather Governor Sarah Palin, and Race Mongrelization Deterrent Ted “The Nuge” Nugent. Below are highlights from this historic, dignified evening.

Palin Nugent Rock Entourage in Oval Office

Governor Palin and her star-studded entourage flank the Old Resolute desk in the Oval Office.  With his usual clenched teeth, POTUS told the group, “Say ‘SLEAZE!’” before the photographer snaps the President’s famous, never-changing, super-sincere smile.  

Sarah Palin Donald Trump Oval Office

Social media gadfly Sarah Palin, wearing an off-the-shoulder doily, tells POTUS that she also keeps all the books she read in the past ten years on her desk.

Kid Rock & Ted Nugent Oval Office

Mr. Rock and Mr. Nugent arrived dressed to impress, in formal attire wholly respectful of the history and solemnity of the Oval Office. Protocol-appropriate undergarments (unpictured) rounded out both ensembles.   

Ted Nugent guitar Oval Office

The Nuge wielded a stunningly patriotic guitar, on which he serenaded POTUS with his stirring new anthem, “Thank Ya Jaysus Are Precedentz Ain’t No Coon No More.” He and POTUS bonded on their shared love of flattering troops almost as vigorously as they avoided becoming troops themselves. As Ted confided to the amused President: “Yeah, you may have felt like shitting your pants when you got a draft notice, but I LITERALLY shit mine to dodge service!” Both laughed incredulously at how non-rich nobodies today actually volunteer to be cannon fodder. Sad!

Sarah Palin & Jared Kushner in Oval Office

While POTUS directs Centcom on which empty Pyongyang hotels to bomb, Governor Palin tells Co-President Kushner that she doesn’t believe half the things she hears about his people. Well, almost half.

Following dinner, Press Secretary Spicer took the assembled luminaries on an all-access tour. White House protocol that men not wear hats on their heads indoors was waived for the bucolic, costume-loving show people. Mrs. Palin, however, had politely insisted on removing anything from (or in) her head beforehand.

To cap off the evening (and troll Interweb Libtards), the three entertainers took a moment to snap a snarky “fuck you” selfie in front of Hillary Clinton’s portrait, just before drunkenly smearing their feces on the official portrait of President Obama.


Executive Order Greenlighting HUGE Oil Pipelines

All whiny injuns will be bulldozed into their precious sacred rivers, just before they get deluged with…

President Reacts To HUGE Crowds In Washington

Best, most HUGE Inauguration in History! We couldn’t keep the broads away! Even more showed up the second day!

An America-Only ENERGY Plan

THE PRESIDENT: On energy, I will stop supporting sissy stuff like wind and solar and rainbows and all that liberal hippy-dippy spiral-dancer earth-lover bullshit, and go back to a future where huge, dick-like smokestacks belch out thick, beautiful GOLDEN clouds of...

Introducing Obamacare TRUMPCARE®

Believe me, it’s all the healthcare you’ll ever need – or get! Nine out of ten insurance CEOs agree: “Take TRUMP HEALTH® daily and die quietly!”

Trumpism At Work: Tackling Complicated Stuff

Trumpism At Work: Tackling Complicated Stuff Americans everywhere are taking POTUS' lead on solving complicated problems! Join them! #TrumpismAtWork #MAGA  Yes, YOU TOO can solve complicated problems like a GENIUS BILLIONAIRE! Work it like @POTUS, America!...

Executive Order Repealing Obamacare

“Obamacare” meant Obama himself was using his bare hand to give little
white girls pelvic exams…

Secretary DeVos Incorporates All America’s Public Schools In Cayman Islands

Here we go, folks! Secretery Betsy DeVos will RAM change down stupid @USedgov’s throat to Make Educasion Great Again! #MEGA - @FantasticPOTUS ###

100% REAL Americans ❤️ POTUS!

Meet TEXAS CHUCK – totally authentic American person who love POTUS Donald Trump on the Twitter all day and all night! He real cowboy total USA man who have nothing to do with warehouse of computer puberteens in Moscow who make Facebook page for convince Red State slobs with no high school how much billionaire crook Donald Trump love them!

That So-Called “Race” Stuff

My base thinks it’s hilarious I’m calling them “thugs” –a word that everyone knows is code for “horny urban negro.”

White House Counsels Kellyanne Conway on Hawking Ivanka Trump® Shoes on TV

“White House employees know they are to pimp only the full-price Trump merchandise,” Chief of Staff Reince Priebus reiterated in a statement to the press.