Mar-a-Lago® VIP Reservations

Mar-a-Lago®, President Trump’s glamorous private country club, is open for business! If you’re a foreign leader (or CEO) who likes golf, huge shrimp cocktails, doing generous business with the Trump® family, or negotiating international treaties far from the glare of a prying press, Mar-a-Lago® is like the wholly opaque, semi-secure, rhinestone-encrusted luxury compounds once only available to leaders like Saddam Hussein and Idi Amin.

Interested in booking a fabulous Mar-a-Lago® suite? Fill out this form and the Secret Service and/or White House political advisor Stephen Miller will have Jared swing by to pick up your nonrefundable 50% reservation downpayment in cash.

BOOK NOW:

Name:

Role: (check all that apply)
Foreign Leader
Russian Oligarch
Warlord
Banana Republic Despot
Latoya Jackson
K Street Lobbyist
Close Personal Friend of Jesus
CEO
Wall Street Banker
Breitbart Blogger

Political Affiliation:

Tax Bracket (10 years IRS returns required as proof.)

How will you be traveling to Mar-a-Lago?

Room Preference:

Smoking:

Mattress:

Minibar Options:
Trump® Wine
Trump® Vodka
Trump® Water
Trump® Spermicidal Whatever Lubricant

Are you an active member of Mar-a-Lago®?

Are you a member of a foreign intelligence organization?

Are you a cuck?

Purpose of Visit (check all that apply):
Letting POTUS win at Golf
Totally legal, international money drop
Being surrounded by nonstop fucking class!
Hot tub with President Steve Bannon
All-you-can-eat buffet (extra charge — krugerrands only)
Poolside Orgy furnished by Trump® Escorts China LLC

I would like to meet privately with (check all that apply):
First Lady-Daughter Ivanka® Trump
#1 Son Jared Kushner
Donald J. Trump’s Son
Donald J. Trump’s Other Son
Anyone else who can change laws to make me richer and pay no taxes.

President Trump Access Level:

I understand submission of this form represents a binding Agreement indicating my commitment to pay full price. No group rates, corporate discounts, or ghetto Trivago coupon codes shall apply. The content of this Agreement may not be disclosed to any party or nosy congressional committee or special prosecutor, unless required by law – and probably not even then.

IVANKA TRUMP® Injun Arrowheads

As featured in Ivanka Trump's scintillating pageturner, The Trump Card: Playing To Win In Work & Life, it's the ORIGINAL, 100% AUTHENTIC (faux) Connecticut Injun Arrowhead. These priceless artifacts were painstaking unearthed from REAL* Indian burial sites -- and...

TRUMP MODELS: Pre-Owned Clearance Special!

TRUMP® MODELS EXCLUSIVE OFFER: Planning a fabulous country club birthday party for your prodigal male puberteen? Then don't miss your chance to give him a night he'll never forget! Order the ultimate, super-classy boys' coming-of-age entertainment package. (Pole NOT...

Ivanka® Trump Wise Words #ITWISEWORDS

THE FIRST LADY-DAUGHTER: Hello America, Ivanka® Trump here. Some of you might wonder why my daddy wants me reviewing top-secret intelligence and joining heads-of-state meetings that even Mike Pence isn't allowed to attend. Well I'll tell you: it's because I'm so WISE....

Melania® Presents: The FLOTUS™ Collection

Introducing Melania® FLOTUS™ – “So good for ‘float us’ over dirty ground waters into penthouse with Evian waters!” ON SALE NOW! ? ? ?? ?

TRUMP® Alchemy Academy: Now Enrolling

Trump University lawsuit still not settled! Unfair! I told L’il Donnie to give those ingrates 2% off NEW Trump® Alchemy Academy. FINAL OFFER!

Eric Trump® Presents: Trump Winery® ClassyGrape™

Eric Trump Presents: Trump Winery®. Who knew that plain old Smuckers® jelly grapes could be stomped on by underpaid Mexicans and sold for $50/bottle? Prodigal son Eric did! All Trump® wines** are renowned among really classy people who totally like to party in a...

Mar-a-Lago® VIP Reservations

Mar-a-Lago®, President Trump's glamorous private country club, is open for business! If you're a foreign leader (or CEO) who likes golf, huge shrimp cocktails, doing generous business with the Trump® family, or negotiating international treaties far from the glare of...

ON SALE NOW: “Winter Situation Room” VIP All-Access Pass!

Join Trump® Mar-a-Lago today to enjoy fabulous front-row seats at ALL weekend nuclear crises! Free hot & cold buffet included! Supplies limited!

L’il Donnie Presents: BIG FAT TREASON-BURGER®

Hungry? Dig in to L'il Donnie Trump's delicious new BIG FAT TREASON-BURGER, and taste the collusion! Try it with our formerly secret sauce -- AKA "Russian Dressing"!? ?? ?