Mar-a-Lago® VIP Reservations

Role: (check all that apply)
Foreign Leader
Russian Oligarch
Warlord
Banana Republic Despot
Latoya Jackson
K Street Lobbyist
Close Personal Friend of Jesus
CEO
Wall Street Banker
Breitbart Blogger

Political Affiliation:SelectRepublicanTea Party (no Freedom Caucus assholes!)Alt-RightEven-Alter-RightKu Klux KlanUnited Russia PartyCommunist Party of ChinaOther/No Vacancy

Tax Bracket (10 years IRS returns required as proof.)
Select$418,400 +$416,700 to $418,399$416,650 to $416,699Other/No Vacancy

How will you be traveling to Mar-a-Lago?SelectLimousineBugatti Veyron MotorcadeHelicopterYachtAir Force OneDmitry Rybolovlev’s Private Airbus 319

Room Preference:SelectMint on PillowNo Mint on PillowPlastic SheetsHot & Cold Runnning Vodka

Smoking:SelectSmoking RoomI will not be burning documents.

Mattress:SelectFirm like Miss Universe®Soft like BabushkaEZ-Wipe Mattress TarpI like to stain

Minibar Options:
Trump® Wine
Trump® Vodka
Trump® Water
Trump® Spermicidal Whatever Lubricant

Are you an active member of Mar-a-Lago®?SelectYES, it was the best $200,000 I’ve spent.NO, please charge my Amex Centurion card.

Are you a member of a foreign intelligence organization?SelectDaNyet

Are you a cuck?SelectNoFUCK NO

Purpose of Visit (check all that apply):
Letting POTUS win at Golf
Totally legal, international money drop
Being surrounded by nonstop fucking class!
Hot tub with President Steve Bannon
All-you-can-eat buffet (extra charge — krugerrands only)
Poolside Orgy furnished by Trump® Escorts China LLC

I would like to meet privately with (check all that apply):
First Lady-Daughter Ivanka® Trump
#1 Son Jared Kushner
Donald J. Trump’s Son
Donald J. Trump’s Other Son
Anyone else who can change laws to make me richer and pay no taxes.

President Trump Access Level:Select5 minutes – $20,00010 minutes – $40,00030 minutes – $80,0001 round of golf – $100,000+19th hole ‘nuclear football’ toss + photo – $500,000

I understand submission of this form represents a binding Agreement indicating my commitment to pay full price. No group rates, corporate discounts, or ghetto Trivago coupon codes shall apply. The content of this Agreement may not be disclosed to any party or nosy congressional committee or special prosecutor, unless required by law – and probably not even then.

BOOK MY SUITE