GOP Congressional Loyalty Pledge
I am a… (select one)
[ ] “Freedom Caucus” Anarchist, and I will swallow my teabilly pride (and my lithium) and just be happy that POTUS is no longer BLACKUS, and BELIEVE that President Bannon’s secret master plan is to burn this fucker down, using all the prissy Establishment RINOS (who look down their snooty blue-blood noses at me) and preachy lunatic Christian Fundamentalists for kindling.
[ ] “Establishment Republican,” and even though I am a patrician Ivy Leaguer with a Waterford crystal stick up my ass, I agree to STFU about totally overrated Ronald Reagan, who by today’s standards is a flaming libtard anyway, and whose ratings SUCKED compared to “The Apprentice.” And I shall BELIEVE that President Bannon’s secret master plan is to build a more perfect plutocracy on the backs of poor trash, other liberals, and, most of all, the annoying, radicalized brats in the so-called “Freedom Caucus” and the loony Christian Fundamentalists who’ve make me look like a tongues-talking rube-by-association for decades.
[ ] Christian Fundamentalist, and I agree to quit yammering about all that “morality” bullshit, and get with the program of worshipping a thrice-divorced money changer who pimps perky-titted teen bimbos in beauty pageants. And I shall BELIEVE that President Bannon’s secret master plan is to support Israel’s existence, but only so Jesus can find it when He comes back to turn it into an enormous river of gooey blood, as prophesied, triggering the fabulous Apocalypse, and paving the way for me to leave useful, but sinful, idiots like the “Freedom Caucus” and “Establishment Republicans” behind, when I am whisked to Glory in the Rapture. Praise God!
I further pledge to renounce all other commitments and loyalties, including but not limited to so-called reason, truth, fact, and that boring Constitutional paper thing, and hereby affirm that NOT SIGNING THIS PLEDGE MEANS I’M AN ENEMY COMBATANT OF AMERICA AND MOTHER RUSSIA.
Sen. or Rep. Signature: _______________________________________________
Sen. or Rep. Name: ____________________________________________________