2017 Republican Loyalty Pledge

GOP Congressional Loyalty Pledge

I, ________________________________ do hereby pledge total loyalty to President Donald J. Trump, exalted Savior of the dysfunctional Frankenstein non-coalition formerly known as “The Republican Party.”

I am a… (select one)

[   ] “Freedom Caucus” Anarchist, and I will swallow my teabilly pride (and my lithium) and just be happy that POTUS is no longer BLACKUS, and BELIEVE that President Bannon’s secret master plan is to burn this fucker down, using all the prissy Establishment RINOS (who look down their snooty blue-blood noses at me) and preachy lunatic Christian Fundamentalists for kindling.

[   ] “Establishment Republican,” and even though I am a patrician Ivy Leaguer with a Waterford crystal stick up my ass, I agree to STFU about totally overrated Ronald Reagan, who by today’s standards is a flaming libtard anyway, and whose ratings SUCKED compared to “The Apprentice.” And I shall BELIEVE that President Bannon’s secret master plan is to build a more perfect plutocracy on the backs of poor trash, other liberals, and, most of all, the annoying, radicalized brats in the so-called “Freedom Caucus” and the loony Christian Fundamentalists who’ve make me look like a tongues-talking rube-by-association for decades.

[   ] Christian Fundamentalist, and I agree to quit yammering about all that “morality” bullshit, and get with the program of worshipping a thrice-divorced money changer who pimps perky-titted teen bimbos in beauty pageants. And I shall BELIEVE that President Bannon’s secret master plan is to support Israel’s existence, but only so Jesus can find it when He comes back to turn it into an enormous river of gooey blood, as prophesied, triggering the fabulous Apocalypse, and paving the way for me to leave useful, but sinful, idiots like the “Freedom Caucus” and “Establishment Republicans” behind, when I am whisked to Glory in the Rapture. Praise God!

I further pledge to renounce all other commitments and loyalties, including but not limited to so-called reason, truth, fact, and that boring Constitutional paper thing, and hereby affirm that NOT SIGNING THIS PLEDGE MEANS I’M AN ENEMY COMBATANT OF AMERICA AND MOTHER RUSSIA.

Sen. or Rep. Signature: _______________________________________________

Sen. or Rep. Name: ____________________________________________________

Date: _________________________


100% REAL Americans ❤️ POTUS!

Meet TEXAS CHUCK – totally authentic American person who love POTUS Donald Trump on the Twitter all day and all night! He real cowboy total USA man who have nothing to do with warehouse of computer puberteens in Moscow who make Facebook page for convince Red State slobs with no high school how much billionaire crook Donald Trump love them!

Melania® Presents: The White House Makeover

“I using high fashion design for redecorate White House so classy. Add puff of gold here, make quaint room for pouting there!”

Introducing Obamacare TRUMPCARE®

Believe me, it’s all the healthcare you’ll ever need – or get! Nine out of ten insurance CEOs agree: “Take TRUMP HEALTH® daily and die quietly!”

President Announces SCOTUS Appointee Neil Gorsuch

Neil Gorsuch — Isn’t he FABULOUS, folks? So fabulous. You know I like having judges who owe me, OK?

Swearing-In Statement: Attorney General Jeff Sessions

A dangerous CRIME WAVE of TERRORIST MEXICAN BLACK LIVES MATTER GEORGE SOROS PROTESTORS is sweeping AMERICA and NO ONE is safe! Don’t look at FBI statistics because they’re FAKE FACTS!

An America-Only ENERGY Plan

THE PRESIDENT: On energy, I will stop supporting sissy stuff like wind and solar and rainbows and all that liberal hippy-dippy spiral-dancer earth-lover bullshit, and go back to a future where huge, dick-like smokestacks belch out thick, beautiful GOLDEN clouds of...

An America-Only JOBS & GROWTH Plan

THE PRESIDENT: To stimulate jobs, we must gut any and all regulations that stand in the way of profit at any cost. That's why for every new regulation, I will require that two be eliminated! Which ones? Pick out of a hat -- I don’t care. Details are for nosy Special...

President Reacts To HUGE Crowds In Washington

Best, most HUGE Inauguration in History! We couldn’t keep the broads away! Even more showed up the second day!

White House Counsels Kellyanne Conway on Hawking Ivanka Trump® Shoes on TV

“White House employees know they are to pimp only the full-price Trump merchandise,” Chief of Staff Reince Priebus reiterated in a statement to the press.


THE PRESIDENT: For too long, America has been the world’s nice, rich uncle, handing out candy, winks and presents — but getting nothing in return except a couple fingers barely under the Underoos. No more! Starting now, America is the world’s cranky grandpa in the...