AN URGENT E-MAIL MESSAGE FROM TRUMP® WHITE HOUSE [SUBSCRIBE]

Dear Friend,

The latest victim of Obamacare’s roving Death Panels? Speaker Paul Ryan’s career! He wasn’t man enough to pass the American Health Care Act. Pussy! Nobody likes someone who breaks his promises! Ask the First Ladies!

If President Apprentice Trump were also Speaker of the Gaylord House, he would have gotten the bill passed, and done it so fast he could leave for golf at a Trump® Resort on FRIDAY, instead of having to wait all the way until Saturday. He would have bent those “Freedom Caucus” nobodies over a barrel like he used to do with nosy NYC building inspectors when they’d find so-called “potentially catastrophic structural flaws” in the mob-poured foundations of his skyscrapers. He would DOMINATE them, because he is a MASTER deal maker with a HUGE dick. Paul Ryan is just a dweeby LOSER. But the Speaker’s pathetic failure wasn’t totally his fault. No. Even though Republicans have a majority, Democrats are still to blame for this bill shitting the bed.

Friend, we’re going to keep winning even when losing. But we can’t fight Pelosi and Schumer and Obama and Democrats and Conservatives and Republicans and Americans and Facts and Reality without your money. That’s right: search your couch for a few thousand loose dollars. Make sacrifices. Like give up your healthcare! See? You’ve already done what Congress can’t – repealed Obamacare!

DONATE NOW or some smug, educated liberal will laugh at you and your fat stupid family.

The elites look down on us. The media mock us. The democrats boo us. But fuck them. Who’s Mister President? That’s right. Daddy Warbucks is Mister President now, bitches! He loves you — even though everyone else thinks you’re a total loser.

So help us continue to win, kick ass and take names. Go to WHITEHOUSE.ORG immediately and cough up some moolah.

Thank you!

– A Close Personal Associate of President Apprentice Trump