THE PRESIDENT: Today, 50 days into my administration, a new national pride stirs in the nine-in-five Americans who voted against Crooked Hillary. It is called worshiping our new President: ME! I know how you are feeling right now; I’ve been worshiping me since Mommy and Daddy refused to, and shipped me off to boarding school instead. Unfair!

Millions of people look at me and they think, “He’s so fucking classy and rich! No wonder he doesn’t want to release his tax returns. That would just be bragging and He don’t play that game!” I get it: you’d give your left nut to even be in the same room as me. You got tired of muttering to yourselves, “That politics shit is so boring – why can’t it be LOUD like a Nascar race and DICK-SWINGIN’ like WWE???” Believe me folks: IT IS NOW. And that is how I move the American soul and inspire the American heart.

People asked themselves, “For the next four years, when I’m standing in line at Walgreens buying totally fantastic Trump® Health, whose tits do I want see splashed across the covers of US Weekly and Glamour? Smokin’ Melania®’s HUGE, really expensive silicone jugs, or Bill Clinton’s droopy, wrinkled, liver-spotted moobies?” Duh, right? In this we are one people, united by a common yearning to eyeball-fuck hotties and reject and shit on disgusting ugly people.

After all, taking care of #1 is the birthright of all Americans. And there are no greater people on Earth than the ones who just happened to slide out of an already-American pussy. We are PROUD of all the hard work it takes us to stagnate in the same country where we were born. Because when those wonderful uneducated people who love me chant “USA #1, USA #1!,” that’s not just monkey-brained caveman fear talking; it’s because they BELIEVE this country is WAY FUCKING GREATER than all those other foreign dumps they’ve never set foot in.

My pansy speechwriter says that our Constitution is written on “parchment” – whatever that is. All I know is it’s way too long! I’ll be rewriting the Constitution in Tweet form very soon. Believe me: it will be so fabulous. Because nobody knows more than me about tweeting about freedom and law and prayer and all that other crapola you gotta pretend to give a shit about in order to score votes down in Pennsyltucky.

As Americans, we commit to our shared purpose: fucking with the poor – the blacker the better. Or Islamoids. Or homos. Or trannies. Or broads. Freedom is the birthright of all Americans, and to preserve that freedom we must put a price on it, mark that price up, and sell the shit out of it!

NOW, THEREFORE, I, DONALD J. TRUMP, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the really, really terrific, slavery-derived Electoral College, do hereby proclaim March 11, 2017, as “National Day of Patriotic Devotion 2” – the blockbuster sequel to “National Day of Patriotic Devotion 1” – because if there’s one thing I’ve learned managing high school dropouts on construction projects, it’s that people are so stupid, you just have to TELL THEM what to think, AGAIN AND AGAIN, otherwise they just sit there drooling Slim Jim spit. Especially those lazy union guys!

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this twentieth day of January, in the year of that Hippy Jesus guy my donors all seem to care about two thousand seventeen, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and forty-first. #MAGA

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Today, 50 days into my administration, a worshipful national pride stirs in the nine-in-five Americans who voted against Crooked Hillary…

Proclamation: 5 Reasons Why Andrew Jackson Is The 2nd Greatest President Ever

THE PRESIDENT: People come in the Oval Office and ask me, why do you have a boring, old painting of this "Andrew Jackson" fuck? I get their point: It’s not even a Thomas Kinkade! I tell them: “For only one reason: President Bannon is now the Oval Office interior...

2017 Republican Loyalty Pledge

I do hereby pledge total loyalty to Donald J. Trump, exalted Savior of the dysfunctional Frankenstein non-coalition formerly known as “The Republican Party.”