Introducing Obamacare TRUMPCARE®

THE PRESIDENT: Introducing ~~Obamacare~~ TRUMPCARE® – featuring TRUMP HEALTH® RIPPED VIGOR. It’s like your own personal physician who lives inside in a really classy luxury pill that’s priced to move, folks. Believe me, it’s all the healthcare you’ll ever need – or get! Nine out of ten insurance CEOs agree: “Take TRUMP HEALTH® daily and die quietly!” But don’t just take it from me:

TESTIMONIALS:

“Thank you Mr. Trump for caring about my limp and lifeless penis.” – MORTY, 55

“I’m a middle-aged freelancer living in Michigan who’s struggling to pay for chemo treatments – but I’m happy the President sees my life as the cheap, fleeting business opportunity it is.” – SHARON, 45

“GUARANTEED to DOUBLE your dick! 2 HUGE new inches!” – SATISFIED CUSTOMER & OWNER, 70.

Available at all-American chain drugstores in the “Seasonal Big Sugar & Snake Oils” aisle, or simply check line 14 of your 1040 (“I’d like 84% of my refund to apply to TRUMP HEALTH®”). Effective immediately, proof of purchase necessary for TRUMPCARE®, Passports, and Tax Refunds.

GET YOURS TODAY:

Executive Order Greenlighting HUGE Oil Pipelines

All whiny injuns will be bulldozed into their precious sacred rivers, just before they get deluged with…

Melania® Trump Presents: White House Easter Egg Roll 2017

“I looking even more pretty when sit next ugly ‘Goatse Tree’ planted by frumpy lesbian Eleanor Roosevelt, no?”

Secretary DeVos Incorporates All America’s Public Schools In Cayman Islands

Here we go, folks! Secretery Betsy DeVos will RAM change down stupid @USedgov’s throat to Make Educasion Great Again! #MEGA - @FantasticPOTUS ###

That So-Called “Race” Stuff

My base thinks it’s hilarious I’m calling them “thugs” –a word that everyone knows is code for “horny urban negro.”

PRESIDENT’S STATEMENT ON FABULOUS INSTANT SYRIA WAR

THE PRESIDENT: [Inhales sharply.] OK, wait until you see how serious I deliver this. So serious. And. Very. Very. Presidential. Like, Sean Hannity will be totally creaming in his pinstripe slacks any second now, folks.

President On Mexico’s Refusal To Pay For Wall

THE PRESIDENT: So fed up with Mexico's stinginess! And I thought *Americans* were cheapasses about paying for stuff America needs! Sad! So I says to Mexico, "OK, you can buy the goddamn wall on layaway -- 3,900 easy installments! Or howza 'bout a reverse mortgage on...

Trumpism At Work: Tackling Complicated Stuff

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People Are Saying: NO RUSSIAN COLLUSION!

100% regular, all-American person “Andy from Arkansas” has wise words for stupid losers who think POTUS secretly loves glorious Mother Russia!

President’s Termination Letter to FBI Director James Comey

I am releasing this letter to the news media first, specifically so I can reference to informing me, on THREE separate occasions, that I AM TOTALLY NOT UNDER INVESTIGATION!

NOW HIRING: BACKUP U.S. ATTORNEY GENERAL

NOW HIRING: BACKUP U.S. ATTORNEY GENERAL WANTED: Trump® White House seeks a backup Attorney General to unquestioningly obey Mighty POTUS, but tell America he is running the Justice Department through (at least) eight years of 100% undetected scandal and treasonous...