Introducing Obamacare TRUMPCARE®

THE PRESIDENT: Introducing ~~Obamacare~~ TRUMPCARE® – featuring TRUMP HEALTH® RIPPED VIGOR. It’s like your own personal physician who lives inside in a really classy luxury pill that’s priced to move, folks. Believe me, it’s all the healthcare you’ll ever need – or get! Nine out of ten insurance CEOs agree: “Take TRUMP HEALTH® daily and die quietly!” But don’t just take it from me:

TESTIMONIALS:

“Thank you Mr. Trump for caring about my limp and lifeless penis.” – MORTY, 55

“I’m a middle-aged freelancer living in Michigan who’s struggling to pay for chemo treatments – but I’m happy the President sees my life as the cheap, fleeting business opportunity it is.” – SHARON, 45

“GUARANTEED to DOUBLE your dick! 2 HUGE new inches!” – SATISFIED CUSTOMER & OWNER, 70.

Available at all-American chain drugstores in the “Seasonal Big Sugar & Snake Oils” aisle, or simply check line 14 of your 1040 (“I’d like 84% of my refund to apply to TRUMP HEALTH®”). Effective immediately, proof of purchase necessary for TRUMPCARE®, Passports, and Tax Refunds.

GET YOURS TODAY:

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White House Counsels Kellyanne Conway on Hawking Ivanka Trump® Shoes on TV

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Executive Order Regarding First Lady-Daughter’s Clothing Line

Executive Order #34567: Everybody in America has to wear IVANKA TRUMP® panties OR ELSE!

Evangelicals For Trump!

In the wake of mass resignations from President Trump's CEO, Infrastructure and Arts Councils, U.S. Secretary of Religious Freedom Pastor Deacon Fred explains why evangelical support for POTUS remains ROCK HARD. ###

PREEMPTIVE PARDON of Donald Trump, Jr.

IN FURTHERANCE OF L’IL DONNIE’S SLOPPY FUCKUPS BRAGGING TO ME ABOUT HIS STUPID MEETINGS AND LEAVING A PAPER TRAIL ABOUT OLLUSION-CAY WITH THE USSIANS-RAY, WHICH IF ANYONE IS GUILTY FOR, IT’S HIS GOLD-DIGGER HAG MOTHER IVANA AND HER GARBAGE CZECHOSLOVAKIAN DNA THAT MADE HIM HALF RETARD. SAD!

Executive Order On Alternative Science

Vaccines are FAKE MEDICINE. From now on, Measles will be called “Freedom Freckles.”

2017 Republican Loyalty Pledge

I do hereby pledge total loyalty to Donald J. Trump, exalted Savior of the dysfunctional Frankenstein non-coalition formerly known as “The Republican Party.”

Standing Up For LAW ENFORCEMENT

THE PRESIDENT: As all my addresses to Joint Sessions of Congress will make abundantly clear: America is, basically, a costume party. If you wear a uniform, you get worshipped -- no questions asked. You can riddle a black teenager, who's begging for mercy, with bullets...

Jared Kusher Statement On Russian Collusion

By Popular Demand: Jared Kushner, ethically spotless Sr. White House Advisor & Secretary Of All the Complicated Stuff, goes on the record regarding his alleged treason.