Introducing Obamacare TRUMPCARE®

THE PRESIDENT: Introducing Obamacare TRUMPCARE® – featuring TRUMP HEALTH® RIPPED VIGOR. It’s like your own personal physician who lives inside in a really classy luxury pill that’s priced to move, folks. Believe me, it’s all the healthcare you’ll ever need – or get! Nine out of ten insurance CEOs agree: “Take TRUMP HEALTH® daily and die quietly!” But don’t just take it from me:


  • “Thank you Mr. Trump for caring about my limp and lifeless penis.” – MORTY, 55
  • “I’m a middle-aged freelancer living in Michigan who’s struggling to pay for chemo treatments – but I’m happy the President sees my life as the cheap, fleeting business opportunity it is.” – SHARON, 45
  • “GUARANTEED to DOUBLE your dick! **2** HUGE new inches!” – SATISFIED CUSTOMER & OWNER, 70.

Available at all-American chain drugstores in the “Seasonal Big Sugar & Snake Oils” aisle, or simply check line 14 of your 1040 (“I’d like 84% of my refund to apply to TRUMP HEALTH®”). Effective immediately, proof of purchase necessary for TRUMPCARE®, Passports, and Tax Refunds.


Urgent Appeal Re: Total Disaster Ryancare FAIL

The latest victim of Obamacare’s roving Death Panels? Speaker Paul Ryan’s career! He wasn’t man enough to pass the American Health Care Act. Pussy!

President On Mexico’s Refusal To Pay For Wall

THE PRESIDENT: So fed up with Mexico's stinginess! And I thought *Americans* were cheapasses about paying for stuff America needs! Sad! So I says to Mexico, "OK, you can buy the goddamn wall on layaway -- 3,900 easy installments! Or howza 'bout a reverse mortgage on...

Jared Kusher Statement On Russian Collusion

By Popular Demand: Jared Kushner, ethically spotless Sr. White House Advisor & Secretary Of All the Complicated Stuff, goes on the record regarding his alleged treason.


THE PRESIDENT: On immigration, we’re gonna get rid of immigration; we’re gonna have immiGREATion. It will be so great. I don’t know how yet, but believe me. There may be no fresh produce in your grocery store, but that’s a small price to pay for never having to press...


100% regular, all-American person “Andy from Arkansas” has wise words for stupid losers who think POTUS secretly loves glorious Mother Russia!

Trumpism At Work: Tackling Complicated Stuff

Trumpism At Work: Tackling Complicated Stuff Americans everywhere are taking POTUS' lead on solving complicated problems! Join them! #TrumpismAtWork #MAGA  Yes, YOU TOO can solve complicated problems like a GENIUS BILLIONAIRE! Work it like @POTUS, America!...


America is all about freedom – to be a Christian. And freedom to shit on losers the Bible tells you to hate because they aren’t Jesus groupies like you!

Melania® Presents: The White House Makeover

“I using high fashion design for redecorate White House so classy. Add puff of gold here, make quaint room for pouting there!”


Today, 50 days into my administration, a worshipful national pride stirs in the nine-in-five Americans who voted against Crooked Hillary…

That So-Called “Race” Stuff

My base thinks it’s hilarious I’m calling them “thugs” –a word that everyone knows is code for “horny urban negro.”