Ask The First Ladies

After a lucky Trump® White House supporter won our free lottery (and her check cleared), First Ladies Melania®, Ivanka®, Ivana® Trump & Marla Maples jumped on a conference call to… MAKE THIS AMERICAN GREAT AGAIN!

To submit YOUR question, email askthefirstladies@whitehouse.org.

TRANSCRIPT:

CALLER:

Thanks for taking my call, girls!

MELANIA:

I NOT call girl!

IVANA:

And I’m not 29. TODAY!

IVANKA:

Where are you calling from, customer – ur, I mean concerned citizen!

CALLER:

Perry.

MELANIA:

Oh, I use to model in Paris!

MARLA:

I didn’t think you “modeled” IN anything!

IVANA:

This caller sound like Marla relative. Who knew? Hillbillies in France!

CALLER:

Who the Hell is France?

IVANKA:

Where does Daddy find these people?

MARLA:

Idaho!

IVANA:

I’ll say!

MELANIA:

I. NOT. Da. Ho. That what I say, right?

IVANKA:

Fake news! Caller, what is you problem?

CALLER:

My question: Is the secret to happiness knowing God?

MELANIA:

Yes, Donald J. Trump make me very happy. See?

IVANKA:

The secret to happiness is Ivanka Trump Jewelry. Now, priced for even you people!

IVANA:

Then stop wearing them, Ivanka. Cheap jewelry is like misery — or alcoholism — it just leads to more of the same…

IVANKA:

Oh, Mother, I wear REAL jewelry!

MARLA:

She went to Jared.

MELANIA:

My things expensive.

MARLA:

Reading your Yelp reviews again, hun?

MELANIA:

No. Melania Trump Jewelry    which I’m TOLD –  I design.

IVANKA:

You “design” like you “write” convention speeches!

MARLA:

Jesus! Do any of you NOT have a jewelry line?

CALLER:

I don’t!

MARLA:

Why doesn’t Tiffany have a jewelry line?

IVANKA:

Ur, they do.

IVANA:

Who names a child after store? So vulgar.

IVANKA:

Who names a child after the COMPETITION? Someone didn’t go to Wharton.

MARLA:

Doesn’t Ivanka mean “Little Ivana”? So YOU’RE, basically, a Mini-Me!

IVANKA:

Not with the fortune Daddy spend on my face. (No offense, Mother.)

MARLA:

Just the face, hun? Bless your heart. More work than Trump Tower…

MELANIA:

With Donald J. Trump, you have to give the job to get the job.

MARLA:

The key to happiness is —

IVANKA:

YOU? You’re giving advice to other women?

IVANA:

After, THAT prenup? Still Laughing!

MARLA:

Best sex he ever had!

MELANIA:

Also cheapest!

IVANA:

You want to be happy, you need “Ivana-Look-20-Again!” placenta eye creme!

MARLA:

In your signature scents? Scotch and Regret.

IVANKA:

Stop making fun of Mother’s products. They really work!

MARLA:

Then – for God’s sake – GIVE. HER. SOME!

CALLER:

Make America Great Again!

IVANA:

Shut up!

CALLER:

I beg your pardon!

IVANA:

Not you. The other HICK.  Marla, I tell you – leave Ivanka ALONE!

MARLA:

Hmmm. Looks like Donald should have been the one you told. Jus’ sayin’ . . .

MELANIA:

Donald  J. Trump SAY only ever have the sex with me.  I believe this.

IVANA:

She really put the SLOW in Slovenia!

CALLER:

Thanks for nothing!

SFX: DIAL TONE

MELANIA:

You welcome! I glad we help Paris lady with our beauties and fashion.

OVER CREDITS:

IVANKA:

ABC.  Always Be Closing. Always Be Closing….

MARLA:

Always be closing WHAT?

IVANA:

Your legs!

###

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