After a lucky Trump® White House supporter won our free lottery (and her check cleared), First Ladies Melania®, Ivanka®, Ivana® Trump & Marla Maples jumped on a conference call to… MAKE THIS AMERICAN GREAT AGAIN!
TRANSCRIPT:
CALLER:
Thanks for taking my call, girls!
MELANIA:
I NOT call girl!
IVANA:
And I’m not 29. TODAY!
IVANKA:
Where are you calling from, customer – ur, I mean concerned citizen!
CALLER:
Perry.
MELANIA:
Oh, I use to model in Paris!
MARLA:
I didn’t think you “modeled” IN anything!
IVANA:
This caller sound like Marla relative. Who knew? Hillbillies in France!
CALLER:
Who the Hell is France?
IVANKA:
Where does Daddy find these people?
MARLA:
Idaho!
IVANA:
I’ll say!
MELANIA:
I. NOT. Da. Ho. That what I say, right?
IVANKA:
Fake news! Caller, what is you problem?
CALLER:
My question: Is the secret to happiness knowing God?
MELANIA:
Yes, Donald J. Trump make me very happy. See?
IVANKA:
The secret to happiness is Ivanka Trump Jewelry. Now, priced for even you people!
IVANA:
Then stop wearing them, Ivanka. Cheap jewelry is like misery — or alcoholism — it just leads to more of the same…
IVANKA:
Oh, Mother, I wear REAL jewelry!
MARLA:
She went to Jared.
MELANIA:
My things expensive.
MARLA:
Reading your Yelp reviews again, hun?
MELANIA:
No. Melania Trump Jewelry – which I’m TOLD – I design.
IVANKA:
You “design” like you “write” convention speeches!
MARLA:
Jesus! Do any of you NOT have a jewelry line?
CALLER:
I don’t!
MARLA:
Why doesn’t Tiffany have a jewelry line?
IVANKA:
Ur, they do.
IVANA:
Who names a child after store? So vulgar.
IVANKA:
Who names a child after the COMPETITION? Someone didn’t go to Wharton.
MARLA:
Doesn’t Ivanka mean “Little Ivana”? So YOU’RE, basically, a Mini-Me!
IVANKA:
Not with the fortune Daddy spend on my face. (No offense, Mother.)
MARLA:
Just the face, hun? Bless your heart. More work than Trump Tower…
MELANIA:
With Donald J. Trump, you have to give the job to get the job.
MARLA:
The key to happiness is —
IVANKA:
YOU? You’re giving advice to other women?
IVANA:
After, THAT prenup? Still Laughing!
MARLA:
Best sex he ever had!
MELANIA:
Also cheapest!
IVANA:
You want to be happy, you need “Ivana-Look-20-Again!” placenta eye creme!
MARLA:
In your signature scents? Scotch and Regret.
IVANKA:
Stop making fun of Mother’s products. They really work!
MARLA:
Then – for God’s sake – GIVE. HER. SOME!
CALLER:
Make America Great Again!
IVANA:
Shut up!
CALLER:
I beg your pardon!
IVANA:
Not you. The other HICK. Marla, I tell you – leave Ivanka ALONE!
MARLA:
Hmmm. Looks like Donald should have been the one you told. Jus’ sayin’ . . .
MELANIA:
Donald J. Trump SAY only ever have the sex with me. I believe this.
IVANA:
She really put the SLOW in Slovenia!
CALLER:
Thanks for nothing!
SFX: DIAL TONE
MELANIA:
You welcome! I glad we help Paris lady with our beauties and fashion.
OVER CREDITS:
IVANKA:
ABC. Always Be Closing. Always Be Closing….
MARLA:
Always be closing WHAT?
IVANA:
Your legs!
###
