Ask The First Ladies

After a lucky Trump® White House supporter won our free lottery (and her check cleared), First Ladies Melania®, Ivanka®, Ivana® Trump & Marla Maples jumped on a conference call to… MAKE THIS AMERICAN GREAT AGAIN!

To submit YOUR question, email askthefirstladies@whitehouse.org.

TRANSCRIPT:

CALLER:

Thanks for taking my call, girls!

MELANIA:

I NOT call girl!

IVANA:

And I’m not 29. TODAY!

IVANKA:

Where are you calling from, customer – ur, I mean concerned citizen!

CALLER:

Perry.

MELANIA:

Oh, I use to model in Paris!

MARLA:

I didn’t think you “modeled” IN anything!

IVANA:

This caller sound like Marla relative. Who knew? Hillbillies in France!

CALLER:

Who the Hell is France?

IVANKA:

Where does Daddy find these people?

MARLA:

Idaho!

IVANA:

I’ll say!

MELANIA:

I. NOT. Da. Ho. That what I say, right?

IVANKA:

Fake news! Caller, what is you problem?

CALLER:

My question: Is the secret to happiness knowing God?

MELANIA:

Yes, Donald J. Trump make me very happy. See?

IVANKA:

The secret to happiness is Ivanka Trump Jewelry. Now, priced for even you people!

IVANA:

Then stop wearing them, Ivanka. Cheap jewelry is like misery — or alcoholism — it just leads to more of the same…

IVANKA:

Oh, Mother, I wear REAL jewelry!

MARLA:

She went to Jared.

MELANIA:

My things expensive.

MARLA:

Reading your Yelp reviews again, hun?

MELANIA:

No. Melania Trump Jewelry    which I’m TOLD –  I design.

IVANKA:

You “design” like you “write” convention speeches!

MARLA:

Jesus! Do any of you NOT have a jewelry line?

CALLER:

I don’t!

MARLA:

Why doesn’t Tiffany have a jewelry line?

IVANKA:

Ur, they do.

IVANA:

Who names a child after store? So vulgar.

IVANKA:

Who names a child after the COMPETITION? Someone didn’t go to Wharton.

MARLA:

Doesn’t Ivanka mean “Little Ivana”? So YOU’RE, basically, a Mini-Me!

IVANKA:

Not with the fortune Daddy spend on my face. (No offense, Mother.)

MARLA:

Just the face, hun? Bless your heart. More work than Trump Tower…

MELANIA:

With Donald J. Trump, you have to give the job to get the job.

MARLA:

The key to happiness is —

IVANKA:

YOU? You’re giving advice to other women?

IVANA:

After, THAT prenup? Still Laughing!

MARLA:

Best sex he ever had!

MELANIA:

Also cheapest!

IVANA:

You want to be happy, you need “Ivana-Look-20-Again!” placenta eye creme!

MARLA:

In your signature scents? Scotch and Regret.

IVANKA:

Stop making fun of Mother’s products. They really work!

MARLA:

Then – for God’s sake – GIVE. HER. SOME!

CALLER:

Make America Great Again!

IVANA:

Shut up!

CALLER:

I beg your pardon!

IVANA:

Not you. The other HICK.  Marla, I tell you – leave Ivanka ALONE!

MARLA:

Hmmm. Looks like Donald should have been the one you told. Jus’ sayin’ . . .

MELANIA:

Donald  J. Trump SAY only ever have the sex with me.  I believe this.

IVANA:

She really put the SLOW in Slovenia!

CALLER:

Thanks for nothing!

SFX: DIAL TONE

MELANIA:

You welcome! I glad we help Paris lady with our beauties and fashion.

OVER CREDITS:

IVANKA:

ABC.  Always Be Closing. Always Be Closing….

MARLA:

Always be closing WHAT?

IVANA:

Your legs!

###

Introducing Obamacare TRUMPCARE®

Believe me, it’s all the healthcare you’ll ever need – or get! Nine out of ten insurance CEOs agree: “Take TRUMP HEALTH® daily and die quietly!”

Obamacare Horror Stories: Roger’s Lung Cancer

ATTENTION PATRIOTS: President Trump will not rest until Obamacare is DEAD; drowned in the river like a burlap sack full of worm-infested stray kittens! YOU CAN HELP: Submit your #OBAMACAREHORROR Story @ WHITEHOUSE.ORG/OBAMACARE-HORROR today! ###...

President Trump’s First 100 Days

#TRUMP100DAYS: In his first magnificent, tumescent, godlike 100 days, President Donald J. Trump has recited bold words to restore his family's prosperity, keep Americans safe from inconvenient information, and hold everyone else in government accountable, while...

Statement On First Lady Smacking Down Loser Blogger

THE PRESIDENT: GREAT NEWS about the BIGLY $ettlement for Melania! So let that be a lesson to any lousy website that can’t afford to pay the KGB to bury any proof that my hotwife allegedly worked the breadlines of Slovenia as a hooker! Believe me folks, nobody knows...

America-Only LGBTQ Stuff

THE PRESIDENT: OK, I got nothing against the homos. If I did, would I have used Liberace as my decorator? He took one look at my Trump Tower condo and said, "Giiiiirl, I'm going to whomp this wasteland up 'til she looks like a Persian prostitute won the lottery!"...

Executive Order Repealing Obamacare

“Obamacare” meant Obama himself was using his bare hand to give little
white girls pelvic exams…

Sean Spicer Bravely Combats Scourge of Fake News

Trump® White House totally gets back at FAKE news @NYtimes ? by not letting them in room?when Sean Spicer avoids everyone else's questions! - @FantasticPOTUS ###

100% REAL Americans ❤️ POTUS!

Meet TEXAS CHUCK – totally authentic American person who love POTUS Donald Trump on the Twitter all day and all night! He real cowboy total USA man who have nothing to do with warehouse of computer puberteens in Moscow who make Facebook page for convince Red State slobs with no high school how much billionaire crook Donald Trump love them!

Swearing-In Statement: Attorney General Jeff Sessions

A dangerous CRIME WAVE of TERRORIST MEXICAN BLACK LIVES MATTER GEORGE SOROS PROTESTORS is sweeping AMERICA and NO ONE is safe! Don’t look at FBI statistics because they’re FAKE FACTS!

2017 Republican Loyalty Pledge

I do hereby pledge total loyalty to Donald J. Trump, exalted Savior of the dysfunctional Frankenstein non-coalition formerly known as “The Republican Party.”