THE PRESIDENT: People come in the Oval Office and ask me, why do you have a boring, old painting of this “Andrew Jackson” fuck? I get their point: It’s not even a Thomas Kinkade! I tell them: “For only one reason: President Bannon is now the Oval Office interior decorator. Who knew that boozer was such a homo?” Plus, he gave me these five notecards about #POTUS7 – and now nobody knows more about history or Andrew Jackson than me! I decided Jackson was almost as fantastic as I am, and here’s five reasons why:
- $20 Bills: Jackson’s face is on the $20 bill. So I’m told. I wouldn’t wipe my ass with anything less than a $100. But in in MY economy, $20 is basically today’s $1 bill. Or penny. I don’t know. I mean, what can you buy with a lousy $1 bill? Those disgusting China-noodles that college students eat? My predecessor Balack Osama was going to replace Andrew Jackson on the $20 with that #SlavesLivesMatter lunatic Harriet Tubman. Why? Because she worked on a subway? As if! I told the US Mint we need to get Andrew Jackson on ALL America’s bills – especially the classy ones like the $100 and the $1000. But not the new trillion dollar bill. That’s gonna be me!
- Indian Relocation Act: Back in 1492 or whenever, President Jackson had his own brown people problem – it was called “Radical Injun Terrorism.” And so he extreme-vetted the shit out of them, rounded them up, and marched them off to live on parched patches of prairie, to live off turnips, casinos and liquor. Smart! If only today’s Mexicans weren’t so exhausted from raping, they’d be more like Indians, and provide their own transportation out of here! Jackson was lucky: You don’t need a wall with folks who can take a fucking hint!
- The Hermitage: Like me, Jackson liked LAND and BIG HOUSES. And like me, Jackson started life in poverty. Only his father was the cheap kind of poor that doesn’t give sons millions of dollars to start from scratch. Eventually, he bought a super-fancy estate called “The Hermitage,” which sounds like someplace where a loser midget shut-in lives, but it was actually a fabulous PLANTATION. Very classy place. And so great to know the whole thing got built without ever negotiating with lazy union workers! Like Jackson, I don’t pay people who work for me either. He called them “slaves”– I call them ‘unsecured subcontractors.’ Stupid people who don’t get the money up front!
- Government Purge: When he became President, Jackson started a great purge to fire anyone and everyone in the government who might even think about giving him the stink-eye. He invented “Draining The Swamp” even before my son-in-law Jared did! And because nature – like Melania® – hates a vacuum, new things had to fill the freshly-drained swamp. Jackson packed it with rich friends on the make. I heard on Hannity – or was it the voices? – that Jackson time-travelled and STOLE that idea from me, knowing the statute of limitations would have run by the time I existed. Bastard!
- He’s a Jackson – Did you know that slave owners like Jackson gave their last name to their slaves, who kept them even after they got freed? Which was actually a pretty good deal for the slaves, if you think about it. I mean, it’s not like “Thriller” would have gone quadruple platinum if it was by “Michael Afrikkimomofukyoobi” or whatever. You know Michael Jackson used to live in Trump Tower, right? True! Ivana used to send L’il Donnie & Eric to sleep over there all the time! Anyway, if it weren’t for old President Andrew Jacko, I probably never would have met Melania® pole-dancing to Michael Jacko’s “Bad”, and then America would have been deprived of its smokingest-hottest – so far – First Broad!
You know at first I was a little suspicious that President Bannon was just blowing smoke up my ass trying to get me to compare myself to some loser nobody President instead of a really famous one with a classy marble monument in Washington. Plus, they say Jackson was a so-called war hero. I say it’s one thing to start a war, but it’s another to start four or five wars – which is MY plan. But I thought about it for a really long time – like over a whole commercial break – and I guess I’m sold, so…
NOW, THEREFORE, I, DONALD J. TRUMP, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and the laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim Andrew Jackson as the 2nd Greatest President Ever, and ME as his slightly better modern soulmate. Because after all, it’s better to pretend to be the president nobody remembers than be the one everyone’s trying to forget!