Proclamation: 5 Reasons Why Andrew Jackson Is The 2nd Greatest President Ever

THE PRESIDENT: People come in the Oval Office and ask me, why do you have a boring, old painting of this “Andrew Jackson” fuck? I get their point: It’s not even a Thomas Kinkade! I tell them: “For only one reason: President Bannon is now the Oval Office interior decorator. Who knew that boozer was such a homo?” Plus, he gave me these five notecards about #POTUS7 – and now nobody knows more about history or Andrew Jackson than me! I decided Jackson was almost as fantastic as I am, and here’s five reasons why:

  1. $20 Bills: Jackson’s face is on the $20 bill. So I’m told. I wouldn’t wipe my ass with anything less than a $100. But in in MY economy, $20 is basically today’s $1 bill. Or penny. I don’t know. I mean, what can you buy with a lousy $1 bill? Those disgusting China-noodles that college students eat? My predecessor Balack Osama was going to replace Andrew Jackson on the $20 with that #SlavesLivesMatter lunatic Harriet Tubman. Why? Because she worked on a subway? As if! I told the US Mint we need to get Andrew Jackson on ALL America’s bills – especially the classy ones like the $100 and the $1000. But not the new trillion dollar bill. That’s gonna be me!
  2. Indian Relocation Act: Back in 1492 or whenever, President Jackson had his own brown people problem – it was called “Radical Injun Terrorism.” And so he extreme-vetted the shit out of them, rounded them up, and marched them off to live on parched patches of prairie, to live off turnips, casinos and liquor. Smart! If only today’s Mexicans weren’t so exhausted from raping, they’d be more like Indians, and provide their own transportation out of here! Jackson was lucky: You don’t need a wall with folks who can take a fucking hint!
  3. The Hermitage: Like me, Jackson liked LAND and BIG HOUSES. And like me, Jackson started life in poverty. Only his father was the cheap kind of poor that doesn’t give sons millions of dollars to start from scratch. Eventually, he bought a super-fancy estate called “The Hermitage,” which sounds like someplace where a loser midget shut-in lives, but it was actually a fabulous PLANTATION. Very classy place. And so great to know the whole thing got built without ever negotiating with lazy union workers! Like Jackson, I don’t pay people who work for me either. He called them “slaves”– I call them ‘unsecured subcontractors.’  Stupid people who don’t get the money up front!
  4. Government Purge: When he became President, Jackson started a great purge to fire anyone and everyone in the government who might even think about giving him the stink-eye. He invented “Draining The Swamp” even before my son-in-law Jared did! And because nature – like Melania® – hates a vacuum, new things had to fill the freshly-drained swamp. Jackson packed it with rich friends on the make. I heard on Hannity – or was it the voices? – that Jackson time-travelled and STOLE that idea from me, knowing the statute of limitations would have run by the time I existed. Bastard!
  5. He’s a Jackson – Did you know that slave owners like Jackson gave their last name to their slaves, who kept them even after they got freed? Which was actually a pretty good deal for the slaves, if you think about it. I mean, it’s not like “Thriller” would have gone quadruple platinum if it was by “Michael Afrikkimomofukyoobi” or whatever. You know Michael Jackson used to live in Trump Tower, right? True! Ivana used to send L’il Donnie & Eric to sleep over there all the time! Anyway, if it weren’t for old President Andrew Jacko, I probably never would have met Melania® pole-dancing to Michael Jacko’s “Bad”, and then America would have been deprived of its smokingest-hottest – so far – First Broad!

You know at first I was a little suspicious that President Bannon was just blowing smoke up my ass trying to get me to compare myself to some loser nobody President instead of a really famous one with a classy marble monument in Washington. Plus, they say Jackson was a so-called war hero. I say it’s one thing to start a war, but it’s another to start four or five wars – which is MY plan. But I thought about it for a really long time – like over a whole commercial break – and I guess I’m sold, so…

NOW, THEREFORE, I, DONALD J. TRUMP, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and the laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim Andrew Jackson as the 2nd Greatest President Ever, and ME as his slightly better modern soulmate. Because after all, it’s better to pretend to be the president nobody remembers than be the one everyone’s trying to forget!

 

President Trump’s First 100 Days

#TRUMP100DAYS: In his first magnificent, tumescent, godlike 100 days, President Donald J. Trump has recited bold words to restore his family's prosperity, keep Americans safe from inconvenient information, and hold everyone else in government accountable, while...

Standing Up For LAW ENFORCEMENT

THE PRESIDENT: As all my addresses to Joint Sessions of Congress will make abundantly clear: America is, basically, a costume party. If you wear a uniform, you get worshipped -- no questions asked. You can riddle a black teenager, who's begging for mercy, with bullets...

NOW HIRING: BACKUP U.S. ATTORNEY GENERAL

NOW HIRING: BACKUP U.S. ATTORNEY GENERAL WANTED: Trump® White House seeks a backup Attorney General to unquestioningly obey Mighty POTUS, but tell America he is running the Justice Department through (at least) eight years of 100% undetected scandal and treasonous...

America-Only IMMIGRATION

THE PRESIDENT: On immigration, we’re gonna get rid of immigration; we’re gonna have immiGREATion. It will be so great. I don’t know how yet, but believe me. There may be no fresh produce in your grocery store, but that’s a small price to pay for never having to press...

DRAINING THE SWAMP

THE PRESIDENT: On ethics reform, as part of my plan to "Drain the Swamp" so we can frack the shit out of it, I will immediately release my tax returns, eliminate all conflicts of interest, and liquidate my foreign holdings. (PAUSE) OK, I’m fucking with you. Again....

President Responds To Terror-Loving Airport Trespassers

Be SCARED, because at any moment you could be murdered at Carl’s Junior by a one-legged Syrian war orphan!

Obamacare Horror Story: Dr. Breem’s Lament

ATTENTION PATRIOTS: President Trump will not rest until Obamacare is DEAD; bled out and hanging from the branch of a tree like a freshly bagged cheetah on safari. YOU CAN HELP: Submit your #OBAMACAREHORROR Story @ WHITEHOUSE.ORG/OBAMACARE-HORROR today! ###...

White House Counsels Kellyanne Conway on Hawking Ivanka Trump® Shoes on TV

“White House employees know they are to pimp only the full-price Trump merchandise,” Chief of Staff Reince Priebus reiterated in a statement to the press.

Executive Order Greenlighting HUGE Oil Pipelines

All whiny injuns will be bulldozed into their precious sacred rivers, just before they get deluged with…

President Reacts To HUGE Crowds In Washington

Best, most HUGE Inauguration in History! We couldn’t keep the broads away! Even more showed up the second day!