Swearing-In Statement: Attorney General Jeff Sessions

“White House employees know they are to pimp only the full-price Trump merchandise,” Chief of Staff Reince Priebus reiterated in a statement to the press.

IN FURTHERANCE OF L’IL DONNIE’S SLOPPY FUCKUPS BRAGGING TO ME ABOUT HIS STUPID MEETINGS AND LEAVING A PAPER TRAIL ABOUT OLLUSION-CAY WITH THE USSIANS-RAY, WHICH IF ANYONE IS GUILTY FOR, IT’S HIS GOLD-DIGGER HAG MOTHER IVANA AND HER GARBAGE CZECHOSLOVAKIAN DNA THAT MADE HIM HALF RETARD. SAD!

THE PRESIDENT: To stimulate jobs, we must gut any and all regulations that stand in the way of profit at any cost. That's why for every new regulation, I will require that two be eliminated! Which ones? Pick out of a hat -- I don’t care. Details are for nosy Special...

POTUS: Nosy crybabies want me to #ReleaseTheReturns? I’ve authorized my IRS to do it! Now #STFU and bend over for some tax cuts 4 the rich!

Here we go, folks! Secretery Betsy DeVos will RAM change down stupid @USedgov’s throat to Make Educasion Great Again! #MEGA - @FantasticPOTUS ###

After a lucky Trump® White House supporter won our free lottery (and her check cleared), First Ladies Melania®, Ivanka®, Ivana® Trump & Marla Maples jumped on a conference call to... MAKE THIS AMERICAN GREAT AGAIN! To submit YOUR question, email...

The latest victim of Obamacare’s roving Death Panels? Speaker Paul Ryan’s career! He wasn’t man enough to pass the American Health Care Act. Pussy!

Meet TEXAS CHUCK – totally authentic American person who love POTUS Donald Trump on the Twitter all day and all night! He real cowboy total USA man who have nothing to do with warehouse of computer puberteens in Moscow who make Facebook page for convince Red State slobs with no high school how much billionaire crook Donald Trump love them!

POTUS welcomes bids fond farewell to carefully vetted, 1000% LOYAL Tony Scaramucci to WHITEHOUSE.ORG. So great to be have briefly been working with a life-long fan! ??? ###  

THE PRESIDENT: People come in the Oval Office and ask me, why do you have a boring, old painting of this "Andrew Jackson" fuck? I get their point: It’s not even a Thomas Kinkade! I tell them: “For only one reason: President Bannon is now the Oval Office interior...