Statement On First Lady Smacking Down Loser Blogger

THE PRESIDENT: GREAT NEWS about the BIGLY $ettlement for Melania! So let that be a lesson to any lousy website that can’t afford to pay the KGB to bury any proof that my hotwife allegedly worked the breadlines of Slovenia as a hooker! Believe me folks, nobody knows more about Atlantic City streetwalkers than ME! Not that I have to pay for anything I ever grab, OK? But Melania said the settlement was HUGE! Almost as HUGE as the check she gets from me in totally-non-hookerish-payment whenever I beg her to unbolt and unchain her bedroom door! So great! – @FantasticPOTUS

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Executive Order On Gender Urination Stagefright

Believe me, so-called “Trans” people should feel lucky they’re not pissing in a bucket around the corner…

President Brings A-List Glamour of “Celebrity Apprentice” To Oval Office

President Trump® was proud to serve a taxpayer-financed feast to America's favorite millionaire culture warriors: Professional Redneck Kid Rock, Fair-Weather Governor Sarah Palin, and Race Mongrelization Deterrent Ted “The Nuge” Nugent. Below are highlights from this...

Swearing-In Statement: Attorney General Jeff Sessions

A dangerous CRIME WAVE of TERRORIST MEXICAN BLACK LIVES MATTER GEORGE SOROS PROTESTORS is sweeping AMERICA and NO ONE is safe! Don’t look at FBI statistics because they’re FAKE FACTS!

Obamacare Horror Story: Dr. Breem’s Lament

ATTENTION PATRIOTS: President Trump will not rest until Obamacare is DEAD; bled out and hanging from the branch of a tree like a freshly bagged cheetah on safari. YOU CAN HELP: Submit your #OBAMACAREHORROR Story @ WHITEHOUSE.ORG/OBAMACARE-HORROR today! ###...

NOW HIRING: BACKUP U.S. ATTORNEY GENERAL

NOW HIRING: BACKUP U.S. ATTORNEY GENERAL WANTED: Trump® White House seeks a backup Attorney General to unquestioningly obey Mighty POTUS, but tell America he is running the Justice Department through (at least) eight years of 100% undetected scandal and treasonous...

KING DONALD J. TRUMP

Donald J. Trump: America’s most kick-ass President EVER! More famous than dirty hippy Jesus, he’s so fucking classy, he even shits in a SOLID GOLD TOILET. SO BOW & WORSHIP HIS MAGNIFICENT PRIAPIC TUMESCENCE, YOU WORTHLESS PISS-POOR LOSERS!

PREEMPTIVE PARDON of Donald Trump, Jr.

IN FURTHERANCE OF L’IL DONNIE’S SLOPPY FUCKUPS BRAGGING TO ME ABOUT HIS STUPID MEETINGS AND LEAVING A PAPER TRAIL ABOUT OLLUSION-CAY WITH THE USSIANS-RAY, WHICH IF ANYONE IS GUILTY FOR, IT’S HIS GOLD-DIGGER HAG MOTHER IVANA AND HER GARBAGE CZECHOSLOVAKIAN DNA THAT MADE HIM HALF RETARD. SAD!

America-Only LGBTQ Stuff

THE PRESIDENT: OK, I got nothing against the homos. If I did, would I have used Liberace as my decorator? He took one look at my Trump Tower condo and said, "Giiiiirl, I'm going to whomp this wasteland up 'til she looks like a Persian prostitute won the lottery!"...

White House Counsels Kellyanne Conway on Hawking Ivanka Trump® Shoes on TV

“White House employees know they are to pimp only the full-price Trump merchandise,” Chief of Staff Reince Priebus reiterated in a statement to the press.

2017 Republican Loyalty Pledge

I do hereby pledge total loyalty to Donald J. Trump, exalted Savior of the dysfunctional Frankenstein non-coalition formerly known as “The Republican Party.”