President Announces SCOTUS Appointee Neil Gorsuch

THE PRESIDENT: Neil Gorsuch — Isn’t he FABULOUS, folks? So fabulous. You know I like having judges who owe me, OK? Presidents don’t have to follow conflict of interest laws — so I want someone with a conflict of interest to uphold that law! – @FantasticPOTUS 

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President’s Blueprint For Israeli Peace

OK - 1, 2, 50 state solution? I don't care. According to Bannon, Jesus is going to destroy that whole ugly dustbowl anyhow. Luckily there's always room at MY Inn: Trump® #MiddleEast Resorts! - @FantasticPOTUS

DRAINING THE SWAMP

THE PRESIDENT: On ethics reform, as part of my plan to "Drain the Swamp" so we can frack the shit out of it, I will immediately release my tax returns, eliminate all conflicts of interest, and liquidate my foreign holdings. (PAUSE) OK, I’m fucking with you. Again....

President Donald Trump’s Tax Returns

POTUS: Nosy crybabies want me to #ReleaseTheReturns? I’ve authorized my IRS to do it! Now #STFU and bend over for some tax cuts 4 the rich!

Executive Order Protecting The Nation From Foreign Terrorist Entry Into The United States

We will ban from entering America all swarthy persons from the world’s most dangerous hotbeds…

2017 Republican Loyalty Pledge

I do hereby pledge total loyalty to Donald J. Trump, exalted Savior of the dysfunctional Frankenstein non-coalition formerly known as “The Republican Party.”

Executive Order Greenlighting HUGE Oil Pipelines

All whiny injuns will be bulldozed into their precious sacred rivers, just before they get deluged with…

HUGE TRADE Deals

THE PRESIDENT: On the Trans-Pacific Partnership, I will do what I do with all “TP” – flush it! And tell all those trannie pacifists they’ll NEVER pee in the wrong bathroom at the TRUMP White House. #MAGA #PolicyByTweet: We need to go back to saying the words...

President Brings A-List Glamour of “Celebrity Apprentice” To Oval Office

President Trump® was proud to serve a taxpayer-financed feast to America's favorite millionaire culture warriors: Professional Redneck Kid Rock, Fair-Weather Governor Sarah Palin, and Race Mongrelization Deterrent Ted “The Nuge” Nugent. Below are highlights from this...

America-Only IMMIGRATION

THE PRESIDENT: On immigration, we’re gonna get rid of immigration; we’re gonna have immiGREATion. It will be so great. I don’t know how yet, but believe me. There may be no fresh produce in your grocery store, but that’s a small price to pay for never having to press...

Melania® Trump Presents: White House Easter Egg Roll 2017

“I looking even more pretty when sit next ugly ‘Goatse Tree’ planted by frumpy lesbian Eleanor Roosevelt, no?”