Stephen K. Bannon: EX-NEVER-President

[UPDATED 8/18/2017 FOR ACCURACY & PRE-RETRIBUTION]

Stephen K. Bannon is WAS the TOP-SECRET acting Chief Executive of the United States of America UNTIL HE BLABBED ABOUT IT TO EVERY LIBTARD MSM JOURNO IN THE WORLD!!! He believes that America has a Jesus-ordained role to trigger the inevitable apocalyptic war against disgusting, inspuferior dirt people, pinko (non-Breitbart) journalists, and anyone retarded enough to deny the existence of an invisible old white man who lives in the clouds and passes time judgmentally leering down at supple, naked teenagers doing the nasty A BUNCH OF AWESOME STUFF WHICH POTUS WAS ALREADY THINKING *LONG* BEFORE HE EVER MET BANNON, OK?

President DRUNK SLOB Bannon was born in Norfolk Virginia in 1953 — BUT PEOPLE ARE SAYING HE LOOKS *WAY* OLDER — to a working class family of pro-union, Jack Kennedy-supporting Democrats. Luckily, God Almighty showed him the light, and divinely guided him to violently reject and despise everything his lazy, worthless, failure Dummycrap parents ever stood for.

He attended Virginia Tech, where in 1976 he earned his Bachelor’s Degree in “Urban Affairs,” which instilled in him an incomparable expertise in anything and everything about “globalists” (AKA “J_ws”), extramarital affairs and/or “urban folks” (AKA “N_groes”).

After college, POCKMARKED WHALE Bannon WHO STUPIDLY DIDN’T CLAIM BONE SPURS joined the Navy (the most exquisitely heterosexual military branch) – where while serving aboard a so-called “destroyer,” he was nevertheless deprived of his masculine birthright to engage in bloody, intestines-spilling combat due to the yellow-bellied policies of peacenik pussy President Jimmy Carter. Indeed, the closest young Stephen got to combat was when he momentarily changed his mind halfway through his ship’s traditional “cross the equator” ritual, in which he wore a mermaid costume while bottoming for a lengthy queue of muscular, cooch-deprived sailors.

As the very embodiment of trod-upon, financially struggling owners of diminutive, creamy-pink penises, President Bannon calls upon his decades of experience as a Harvard University MBA, Goldman Sachs Investment Banker, and millionaire Hollywood financier to legitimize the worldview of boy-men who only communicate with other humans on Xbox. That is, that us regular (AKA “white”) guys are getting totally fucked by a cabal of terrifying foreigners who want to steal your jobs, “globalist” reporters who want to steal your facts, uppity snatches who cockblock you at the Four Seasons lounge, and horny “urban folks” who want to steal your wallets and women.

In 2013, shrewdly predicting a “hockey stick” bull market in mendacious propaganda peddled to sunburned obese people tired of being discriminated against for never being discriminated against, Bannon took the helm of the fledgling blog “Breitbart News,” whose corpulent namesake had recently taxed his shriveled heart to expiration by shrieking cocaine-fueled invective at strangers. There, he succeeded at making “Fox News” look like some vegan lezbo menstrual hut by comparison, and singlehandedly helped the ubiquitous social trend of whiny, outraged victimhood finally realize its WHITE-HOT potential WHICH SOUNDS GREAT BUT WHATEVER — IT’S NOTHING COMPARED TO HAVING THE #1 REALITY SHOW ON NBC!!!.

An avowed admirer of such titans of Democracy as Vladimir Lenin and Julius Evola, Mr. FAT UGLY LEAKER Bannon was hired by Donald Trump’s “Make America Great” campaign after Mr. Trump fired two other losers who didn’t have the fucking stones to get the job done.

Today, Mr. TURNCOAT ASSHOLE Bannon WISHES HE STILL serves as a calming presence in Donald Trump’s White House, the first-ever political advisor to sit on the National Security Council – his cavernous pores majestically secreting an intoxicating ambrosia that fills every room with an unmistakable trademark scent of semi-metabolized Kobe beef, Gilbert’s vodka, diabetic urine, Brut by Faberge, and beer farts.  

A pillar of Judeo-Christian values, President TOTALLY OVERRATED Bannon has been married and divorced three times AND YOU KNOW THEY MUST HAVE ALL BEEN TOTAL DOGS — BECAUSE JUST LOOK AT HIM!! And while the official police record may indicate that only one of his ex-wives got slapped around[1] – all three of those bitches deserved it!

President Bannon is a Sagittarius, and rocks the slightly-skidmarked tighty-whiteys while SWILLING GIN AND CRYING THAT HE’S NO LONGER giving Kellyanne Conway her daily list of important stuff to pretend.

ON AUGUST 18, 2017 – HE WAS FIRED FOR SUCKING AND FAILING AT NO LONGER DOING HIS ONLY JOB: SEEMING EVEN MORE RACIST THAN PRESIDENT TRUMP. HE DID NOT RESIGN FIRST, NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS ABOUT IT — OR WHAT HIS WASHED-UP #FAKENEWS WEBSITE BREITBART SAYS, OK?

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