Stephen K. Bannon is the acting Chief Executive of the United States of America. He believes that America has a Jesus-ordained role to trigger the inevitable apocalyptic war against disgusting, inferior dirt people, pinko (non-Breitbart) journalists, and anyone retarded enough to deny the existence of an invisible old white man who lives in the clouds and passes time judgmentally leering down at supple, naked teenagers doing the nasty.

President Bannon was born in Norfolk Virginia in 1953 to a working class family of pro-union, Jack Kennedy-supporting Democrats. Luckily, God Almighty showed him the light, and divinely guided him to violently reject and despise everything his lazy, worthless, failure Dummycrap parents ever stood for.

He attended Virginia Tech, where in 1976 he earned his Bachelor’s Degree in “Urban Affairs,” which instilled in him an incomparable expertise in anything and everything about extramarital affairs and/or “the blacks.” Truly, he knows exactly what those shiftless, “urban” folks  have to lose – and will soon!

After college, Bannon joined the Navy (the most exquisitely heterosexual military branch) – where while serving aboard a so-called “destroyer,” he was nevertheless deprived of his masculine birthright to engage in bloody, intestines-spilling combat due to the yellow-bellied policies of peacenik pussy President Jimmy Carter. Indeed, the closest young Stephen got to combat was when he momentarily changed his mind halfway through his ship’s traditional “cross the equator” ritual, in which he wore a mermaid costume while bottoming for a lengthy queue of muscular, cooch-deprived sailors.

As the very embodiment of trod-upon, financially struggling owners of diminutive, creamy-pink penises, President Bannon calls upon his decades of experience as a Harvard University MBA, Goldman Sachs Investment Banker, and millionaire Hollywood financier to legitimize the worldview that us regular guys are getting totally fucked by a cabal of terrifying foreigners who want to steal your jobs, Jew reporters who want to steal your facts, uppity snatches who cockblock you at the Four Seasons lounge, and horny darkies who want to steal your wallets and women.

In 2013, shrewdly predicting a “hockey stick” bull market in mendacious propaganda peddled to sunburned obese people tired of being discriminated against for never being discriminated against, Bannon took the helm of the fledgling blog “Breitbart News,” whose corpulent namesake had recently taxed his shriveled heart to expiration by shrieking cocaine-fueled invective at strangers. There, he succeeded at making “Fox News” look like some vegan lezbo menstrual hut by comparison, and singlehandedly helped the ubiquitous social trend of whiny, outraged victimhood finally realize its WHITE-HOT potential.

An avowed admirer of such titans of Democracy as Vladimir Lenin and Julius Evola, Mr. Bannon was hired by Donald Trump’s “Make America Great” campaign after Mr. Trump fired two other losers who didn’t have the fucking stones to get the job done.

Today, Mr. Bannon serves as a calming presence in Donald Trump’s White House, the first-ever political advisor to sit on the National Security Council – his cavernous pores majestically secreting an intoxicating ambrosia that fills every room with an unmistakable trademark scent of semi-metabolized Kobe beef, Gilbert’s vodka, diabetic urine, Brut by Faberge, and beer farts.  

A pillar of Judeo-Christian values, President Bannon has been married and divorced three times. And while the official police record may indicate that only one of his ex-wives got slapped around[1] – all three of those bitches deserved it!

President Bannon is a Sagittarius, and rocks the slightly-skidmarked tighty-whiteys while giving Kellyanne Conway her daily list of important stuff to pretend.

###