President Reacts To HUGE Crowds In Washington

THE PRESIDENT: Best, most HUGE Inauguration in History! We couldn’t keep the broads away! Even more showed up the second day! Trust me: Nobody loves me more than the ladies, OK? Today, the mall — and why are there no stores in that mall? — was full of gals who would really love to give me my MAN-date. Well, except for the lezzies — and there were a few — but who knows? Right? – @FantasticPOTUS

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Celebrating #RealNews Pundit Jerry Falwell, Jr.

Jerry Falwell Jr. of Liberty University was fantastic on “Fox & Friends.” The Fake News should listen to what he had to say. Thanks Jerry!

President On Mexico’s Refusal To Pay For Wall

THE PRESIDENT: So fed up with Mexico's stinginess! And I thought *Americans* were cheapasses about paying for stuff America needs! Sad! So I says to Mexico, "OK, you can buy the goddamn wall on layaway -- 3,900 easy installments! Or howza 'bout a reverse mortgage on...

President’s Statement On Failing, Stupid Nordstrom & Other Loser Retailers

Now Neiman Marcus is kicking my sexy girl to the curb! I told Bibi the Jews can forget about America’s support!

100% REAL Americans ❤️ POTUS!

Meet TEXAS CHUCK – totally authentic American person who love POTUS Donald Trump on the Twitter all day and all night! He real cowboy total USA man who have nothing to do with warehouse of computer puberteens in Moscow who make Facebook page for convince Red State slobs with no high school how much billionaire crook Donald Trump love them!

An America-Only JOBS & GROWTH Plan

THE PRESIDENT: To stimulate jobs, we must gut any and all regulations that stand in the way of profit at any cost. That's why for every new regulation, I will require that two be eliminated! Which ones? Pick out of a hat -- I don’t care. Details are for nosy Special...

People Are Saying: NO RUSSIAN COLLUSION!

100% regular, all-American person “Andy from Arkansas” has wise words for stupid losers who think POTUS secretly loves glorious Mother Russia!

Executive Order On Alternative Science

Vaccines are FAKE MEDICINE. From now on, Measles will be called “Freedom Freckles.”

Melania® Trump Presents: White House Easter Egg Roll 2017

“I looking even more pretty when sit next ugly ‘Goatse Tree’ planted by frumpy lesbian Eleanor Roosevelt, no?”

Melania® Presents: The White House Makeover

“I using high fashion design for redecorate White House so classy. Add puff of gold here, make quaint room for pouting there!”

PRESIDENT’S STATEMENT ON FABULOUS INSTANT SYRIA WAR

THE PRESIDENT: [Inhales sharply.] OK, wait until you see how serious I deliver this. So serious. And. Very. Very. Presidential. Like, Sean Hannity will be totally creaming in his pinstripe slacks any second now, folks.