THE PRESIDENT: Who needs healthcare, education, the arts, or diplomacy, when we can stuff all that money down the gullets of corporate military contractors, like when L’il Donnie makes homemade foie gras with the Mar-a-Lago geese? (That stuff is so classy and delicious, we’re gonna sell it as Trump® Toothpaste.) This is why my budget includes the biggest military buildup since Ronald Reagan brought the world to the brink of thermonuclear apocalypse. The Gipper knew how important it was that all the loser countries think America has the biggest, most swingingest dick on earth — which is why he spared NO EXPENSE pumping up the US military into his personal fire-breathing strap-on that made the whole world drop to its knees and tremble in awe – like more than a few Miss Teen Universes I’ve known!

Look, I won the military vote by HUGE margins, folks. You know the great thing about the US Military? They’re like one of those bipolar broads — you can call her a LOSER and slap the shit out of her again and again, but she’ll still come crawling back so long as you flatter her now and then about how great she shakes that ass. And our military people really do have a great ass, don’t they folks? So great. We must never forget that every last one of them are HEROES – even the 63% who only joined because they couldn’t get jobs anywhere else – and really just sit around at desks for years but expect you to worship them as fearless warriors instead of the entitled socialist bureaucrats they really are.

Under the Trump Administration, America will meet its commitments to our military — by shipping their asses all over America’s planet so they can finally earn their VA welfare queen benefits the way they’re supposeted to: KILL, KILL, KILL.

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