Making Our Military HUGE Again

THE PRESIDENT: Who needs healthcare, education, the arts, or diplomacy, when we can stuff all that money down the gullets of corporate military contractors, like when L’il Donnie makes homemade foie gras with the Mar-a-Lago geese? (That stuff is so classy and delicious, we’re gonna sell it as Trump® Toothpaste.) This is why my budget includes the biggest military buildup since Ronald Reagan brought the world to the brink of thermonuclear apocalypse. The Gipper knew how important it was that all the loser countries think America has the biggest, most swingingest dick on earth — which is why he spared NO EXPENSE pumping up the US military into his personal fire-breathing strap-on that made the whole world drop to its knees and tremble in awe – like more than a few Miss Teen Universes I’ve known!

Look, I won the military vote by HUGE margins, folks. You know the great thing about the US Military? They’re like one of those bipolar broads — you can call her a LOSER and slap the shit out of her again and again, but she’ll still come crawling back so long as you flatter her now and then about how great she shakes that ass. And our military people really do have a great ass, don’t they folks? So great. We must never forget that every last one of them are HEROES – even the 63% who only joined because they couldn’t get jobs anywhere else – and really just sit around at desks for years but expect you to worship them as fearless warriors instead of the entitled socialist bureaucrats they really are.

Under the Trump Administration, America will meet its commitments to our military — by shipping their asses all over America’s planet so they can finally earn their VA welfare queen benefits the way they’re supposeted to: KILL, KILL, KILL.

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America-Only IMMIGRATION

THE PRESIDENT: On immigration, we’re gonna get rid of immigration; we’re gonna have immiGREATion. It will be so great. I don’t know how yet, but believe me. There may be no fresh produce in your grocery store, but that’s a small price to pay for never having to press...

Making Our Military HUGE Again

THE PRESIDENT: Who needs healthcare, education, the arts, or diplomacy, when we can stuff all that money down the gullets of corporate military contractors, like when L'il Donnie makes homemade foie gras with the Mar-a-Lago geese? (That stuff is so classy and...

DRAINING THE SWAMP

THE PRESIDENT: On ethics reform, as part of my plan to "Drain the Swamp" so we can frack the shit out of it, I will immediately release my tax returns, eliminate all conflicts of interest, and liquidate my foreign holdings. (PAUSE) OK, I’m fucking with you. Again....

Abortion Rights WRONGS

THE PRESIDENT: I never really cared about abortion – beyond demanding receipts before cutting the reimbursement checks…

America-Only LGBTQ Stuff

THE PRESIDENT: OK, I got nothing against the homos. If I did, would I have used Liberace as my decorator? He took one look at my Trump Tower condo and said, "Giiiiirl, I'm going to whomp this wasteland up 'til she looks like a Persian prostitute won the lottery!"...

An America-Only ENERGY Plan

THE PRESIDENT: On energy, I will stop supporting sissy stuff like wind and solar and rainbows and all that liberal hippy-dippy spiral-dancer earth-lover bullshit, and go back to a future where huge, dick-like smokestacks belch out thick, beautiful GOLDEN clouds of...

That So-Called “Race” Stuff

My base thinks it’s hilarious I’m calling them “thugs” –a word that everyone knows is code for “horny urban negro.”

HUGE TRADE Deals

THE PRESIDENT: On the Trans-Pacific Partnership, I will do what I do with all “TP” – flush it! And tell all those trannie pacifists they’ll NEVER pee in the wrong bathroom at the TRUMP White House. #MAGA #PolicyByTweet: We need to go back to saying the words...

America-Only RELIGIOUS FREEDOM

America is all about freedom – to be a Christian. And freedom to shit on losers the Bible tells you to hate because they aren’t Jesus groupies like you!

An America-Only JOBS & GROWTH Plan

THE PRESIDENT: To stimulate jobs, we must gut any and all regulations that stand in the way of profit at any cost. That's why for every new regulation, I will require that two be eliminated! Which ones? Pick out of a hat -- I don’t care. Details are for nosy Special...