Mike Pence: Vice President

Michael R. Pence is the 48th and current Vice President of the United States, with NO designs on ascending to the Presidency in the wake of a spectacular implosion of the non-cognitively-compromised 45th President of the United States.

Michael R. Pence was born in Columbus, Indiana, on June 7, 1959, one of six children born to Edward and Nancy Pence.

He likes women.

He absolutely, positively likes women.

Raised in a staunchly pious family, Mike Pence nevertheless felt a desperate yearning to renew his Christian faith while yet a tender undergraduate at Hanover College. There were women there. He genuinely liked them – but never touched them. His celibacy was a gift to Christ – and an excellent way to get out from under the pushy pawing of aggressive people with vaginas. 

He later attended Indiana University School of Law, where he met and married an actual biological woman, Mrs. Mike Pence.

He impregnated that woman three times – using the God-approved penetrative coitus method. Not a turkey baster. There are living, breathing children to prove it.

Later, he began hosting “The Mike Pence Show,” a syndicated Indiana talk radio show. Actual women occasionally joined the show as guests. The most feminine of them instilled feelings of genuine arousal in him.

Growing up in Indiana, surrounded by good, hardworking Hoosiers, Vice President Pence always knew that he liked women. In 2000, he launched a successful bid to represent women in his local congressional seat, entering the US House of Representatives at age 40.

On Capitol Hill, he established himself as a champion of limited government, fiscal responsibility, and lingering in the Congressional Locker Room – bouncing with burly naked men and lithe naked pages – to proffer his unsolicited, 100% genuine personal anecdotes about encounters with massively hot legislative groupie babes who live to dish blowies to regular fellas who really, really, really like women.

In 2013, Vice President Mike Pence left Washington DC when Hoosiers elected him the 50th Governor of Indiana. He brought the same low tax philosophy and strenuously heterosexual tumescence for women to the Indiana Statehouse.

As Governor of Indiana, Vice President Pence demonstrated a relentless and single-minded opposition to “mainstreaming homosexuality.” He made staunch support of “conversion therapy” and ex-gay ministries a priority, and despite the coastal blue state surge in acceptance of same-sex deviance, Hoosier gaydom fell by half during his four years in office. At the end of his term, more Hoosiers liked women than at any point in the state’s 200-year history – this despite the fact that the mere act of uttering the word “Hoosiers” compels men to momentarily purse their lips in a fleeting horror of pantomimed fellatio.

It was Indiana’s success story, and Vice President Pence’s really, really liking the swimsuit competition phase of the Miss Universe Pageant, which prompted President Donald Trump to select Mike Pence as his running mate in July 2016.

Vice President Mike Pence remains grateful for the grace of God, the blessings of liberty that are every American’s birthright, Broadway musicals, and for the existence of women.

Inasmuch as the Vice Presidency is a largely ceremonial and unimportant role, all Americans should instead follow only the President on Twitter at @FantasticPOTUS.

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