America-Only LGBTQ Stuff

THE PRESIDENT: OK, I got nothing against the homos. If I did, would I have used Liberace as my decorator? He took one look at my Trump Tower condo and said, “Giiiiirl, I’m going to whomp this wasteland up ’til she looks like a Persian prostitute won the lottery!”  Just think what gilded goodness he could have brought to the stuffy White House. Sad!

No, they’re so fabulous, the homos. I mean, you should see Melania® without her homo beauticians. She’s already dropped from a 9 to a 7, as she rapidly ages out of the Mrs. Trump job, but without the homos, she looks like a 5 – TOPS!  And speaking of tops, I love lezzies with strap-ons. My VCR collection would be nothing without them. I guess you’ve got me pegged!

So yeah, I support the LBTQWERTY people. True, I don’t know or care what most of those letters mean – unless one of the T’s stands for Trump.  I do know the other T is for “trannies.” Luckily I pee wherever I want. Doubt it? Ha, I’m about to piss all over the people who voted for me!

What I really don’t understand is why the homos care so much about marriage – just ask any of my wives, Ivanka, or the other pussies I’ve grabbed. I’m told that fruity Jesus said to only have one wife. Yeah, as if! The thing is: President Bannon and I have had six – so far – between us. And, long story short, I raped one of mine; he slapped the shit out of one of his. Harmless locker room stuff!

The problem is that even though I waved around that ugly rainbow flag, homos and lezzies and whatevers did NOT hop on the Trump Train when they had the chance. So I’m going to have to throw them to the lions – which is  ironic, as all those lions are now Christians! Isn’t persecution hilarious? Anyway, I have to wait until Ivanka and Jared are out of town to do it. They get all bent out of shape when Bannon and Pence talk about sticking it to the LGBTQWERTYs. Ivanka must be selling them all pumps – or poppers! – or something. So I’ll wait for now…

#PolicyByTweet: LGBTQWERTYs worried about losing the right to marry? Ought to worry about losing the right to VOTE if they don’t hop on the #TrumpTrain FAST! #MAGA – @WHITEHOUSE_ORG

Abortion Rights WRONGS

THE PRESIDENT: I never really cared about abortion – beyond demanding receipts before cutting the reimbursement checks…

An America-Only JOBS & GROWTH Plan

THE PRESIDENT: To stimulate jobs, we must gut any and all regulations that stand in the way of profit at any cost. That's why for every new regulation, I will require that two be eliminated! Which ones? Pick out of a hat -- I don’t care. Details are for nosy Special...

America-Only IMMIGRATION

THE PRESIDENT: On immigration, we’re gonna get rid of immigration; we’re gonna have immiGREATion. It will be so great. I don’t know how yet, but believe me. There may be no fresh produce in your grocery store, but that’s a small price to pay for never having to press...

USA-ONLY FOREIGN POLICY

THE PRESIDENT: For too long, America has been the world’s nice, rich uncle, handing out candy, winks and presents — but getting nothing in return except a couple fingers barely under the Underoos. No more! Starting now, America is the world’s cranky grandpa in the...

An America-Only ENERGY Plan

THE PRESIDENT: On energy, I will stop supporting sissy stuff like wind and solar and rainbows and all that liberal hippy-dippy spiral-dancer earth-lover bullshit, and go back to a future where huge, dick-like smokestacks belch out thick, beautiful GOLDEN clouds of...

Making Our Military HUGE Again

THE PRESIDENT: Who needs healthcare, education, the arts, or diplomacy, when we can stuff all that money down the gullets of corporate military contractors, like when L'il Donnie makes homemade foie gras with the Mar-a-Lago geese? (That stuff is so classy and...

America-Only LGBTQ Stuff

THE PRESIDENT: OK, I got nothing against the homos. If I did, would I have used Liberace as my decorator? He took one look at my Trump Tower condo and said, "Giiiiirl, I'm going to whomp this wasteland up 'til she looks like a Persian prostitute won the lottery!"...

Standing Up For LAW ENFORCEMENT

THE PRESIDENT: As all my addresses to Joint Sessions of Congress will make abundantly clear: America is, basically, a costume party. If you wear a uniform, you get worshipped -- no questions asked. You can riddle a black teenager, who's begging for mercy, with bullets...

HUGE TRADE Deals

THE PRESIDENT: On the Trans-Pacific Partnership, I will do what I do with all “TP” – flush it! And tell all those trannie pacifists they’ll NEVER pee in the wrong bathroom at the TRUMP White House. #MAGA #PolicyByTweet: We need to go back to saying the words...

That So-Called “Race” Stuff

My base thinks it’s hilarious I’m calling them “thugs” –a word that everyone knows is code for “horny urban negro.”