There have been 45 Presidential penises in US History, but it took Donald Trump’s HUGE anaconda to finally shoot out a perfect “10.” Ask anyone: Ivanka® Trump ranks #1 in hotness when it comes to Presidential offspring. Believe me, even so-called babes like Tricia Nixon and Jenna Bush were total DOGS compared to Ivanka. Having been gently, tenderly groomed by her Daddy from a young age to cartwheel bottomless into the stiletto heels of a surrogate wife, Ivanka® has taken over the Office of the First Lady. She will continue in this role until such time as her Daddy’s Slovenian rental wife concludes the protracted negotiations on her contract extension.

A statuesque former model with a silky, flaxen mane that undulates and shimmers out Fifth Avenue taxi windows like long strands of really classy solid gold fiber, Ivanka® has persevered over crushing adversity her whole life. Seriously, like even the swarthy, cholera-ravaged orphans of Calcutta have nothing on Ivanka® when it comes to hardship and disappointment. In 2007, she was viciously ranked a lowly #83 on Maxim Magazine’s “Hot 100” list. Unfair! Whatever, everyone knows Maxim is a bunch of Princeton homos pretending to be bro-dawgs. FAKE DUDES!

In a book she totally wrote all by herself, The Trump Card: Playing to Win in Work and Life, Ivanka® fearlessly explores the traumatic disadvantages of being smoking hot and filthy rich:

On learning the family tradition of “creative marketing” (aka “fraud”):

Ivanka Trump childhood arrowhead fraud

In swindling their little friends out of their allowances, a business plan was born!

When instead of lemons, life gives you the lemonade already made and pre-sweetened with artisanal agave nectar:

Ivanka Trump childhood lemonade story

By getting Daddy’s domestics to pay for watered-down lemonade, Ivanka® learned a capitalist lesson that will last a lifetime: Just because someone is grossly underpaid and can barely afford to buy lemonade for their own children, doesn’t mean you can’t pressure them to pony up what little they have for yours! Even as a child, she was making HER America great again. And today, ALL Americans get to pay for her lemonade!

On the deprivations of slumming it on commercial aviation:

Ivanka Trump childhood flying coach anecdote

When it was over, Daddy’s little Scarlet O’Hara vowed never to fly in some non-Gulfstream cattle car ever again!

Pulling herself up by her LouBoutin straps, Ivanka was granted legacy admission to her Daddy’s alma mater, The Wharton School of Business. Soon after graduation, she persevered over intense competition to secure a seven-figure Vice President gig at her Daddy’s real estate development company.

Several short years later, feeling a need to spread her wings and branch away from work that didn’t involve having to occasionally smell construction workers’ armpits, Ivanka® took several millions of her Daddy’s dollars to launch her eponymous brand of luxurious flammable scarves and other lifestyle goods.

Ivanka® designs all the clothes for her brand by having assistants e-mail Chinese factory foremen to instruct: “Set the looms for something you think schlubby American fraus, who have to WORK for money, would wear. Your guess is as good as mine!”

Her brand’s success had absolutely NOTHING to do with her father’s name being famous, but its demise has been totally because of that. Very unfair!

Inspired by her father’s self-made legacy of using the name and money of a rich parent to be a self-made millionaire, Ivanka® did one better than Daddy: She married someone who would give money to HER, both before and after divorce.

Ivanka® married real estate scion Jared Kushner because he reminds her of Daddy.  “I mean, like, nobody would even know either of them without their inheritance and willingness to talk about stuff they know, like, nothing about. The big difference? Let me see . . . [coquettish giggle] . . .  Jared isn’t constantly bursting in when I’m taking a bubble bath, sticking twenties in my bra, or telling me, ‘It sure doesn’t LOOK like you’re wearing panties, baby!’ Jared is a total gentleman when I’m in the nude.”

In a boisterous family of outsized opportunistic grifters, Ivanka® has successfully distinguished herself as “the nice one.” Some attribute this lucky branding as the shrewd decision to obliterate her Trump DNA with a transactional conversion to secular Judaism, coupled with hundreds of thousands of dollars of plastic surgery. Others point to her dazzling Crest® 3D Whitestrips smile and endearing tick of dramatically flipping her exquisitely conditioned hair out of her eyes every five seconds.

She appeared on “The Apprentice,” her father’s product-placement infomercial disguised as reality show, where she replaced less telegenic Trump employees who actually knew their jobs. This set the pattern for her father’s future presidential appointments. Ivanka loves the White House. It is to her what QVC is to other washed-up TV stars.

Ivanka® is the child of the President’s first wife, Ivana, although was not conceived via the rape her mother alleged under oath in a divorce deposition, yet rudely failed to fully recant despite a TOO GENEROUS alimony settlement. Contrary to what you may have heard – from her father – Ivanka® is not an only child. There are others. At least two.

Ivanka®’s hobbies include talking words about helping women while actually helping her father to keep them in their place.

Ivanka® is, like, a TOTAL Scorpio.