THE PRESIDENT: For too long, America has been the world’s nice, rich uncle, handing out candy, winks and presents — but getting nothing in return except a couple fingers barely under the Underoos. No more! Starting now, America is the world’s cranky grandpa in the unfunded nursing home — tired of chaffing in Depends so heavy with piss and corn chowder, they’re drooping to our patriotic knees. This, while the rest of the world is out having a great time eating solid food? Unfair! No more, folks.

Plus — now that I have my finger on the button, I’m retiring my trademark “You’re Fired!” catchphrase for something more presidented: “YOUR NUKED!” So now when I’m negotiating with stupid garlic-breathed Sou— ur, Nor—uh… the BAD Korea, and they’re not budging, I’ll go “YOUR NUKED!” Plus, now every hack Donald Trump impersonator needs to update his lousy, unfunny act. Sad!

#PolicyByTweet: We need to support Israel’s right to exist. Otherwise, how can Jesus find it when He goes to blow it to bits in that Bible crap Bannon keeps talking about?? – @WHITEHOUSE_ORG