An America-Only ENERGY Plan

THE PRESIDENT: On energy, I will stop supporting sissy stuff like wind and solar and rainbows and all that liberal hippy-dippy spiral-dancer earth-lover bullshit, and go back to a future where huge, dick-like smokestacks belch out thick, beautiful GOLDEN clouds of profit.

It’s like my gorgeous (current) wife told me, “Dahling, how can ze coal be so bad? Without coals, no diamonds. And without diamonds, no me!” And Melania® is right: Every time the sun is blocked by Clean Coal it is really just so-called “pollution” giving you ungrateful tree-grabbin’ crybabies as close a look at real diamonds as you’ll ever get! What could be more classy than that?

When I’m done shuttering the EPA, all those high school dropout Pennsyltucky coal guys can feel so PROUD and MANLY again, scurrying down mine shafts like mole people to catch the wonderful black lung. I’ve heard black peckers are HUGE, so their lungs must be amazing! It’s a beautiful Appalachian tradition, folks.

And once the coal industry is revitalized, I will restore so many other essential modern businesses that have suffered for too long, including the telegraph wire system, whale oil production, folks that like a rousing song about God while picking cotton, and the beaver trappers. A lot of guys are saying we still need fur. Me, I like a beaver with no fur on its whatever, but it’s like that old show with the little black midget says, “Diff’rent Strokes!” #MAGA

#PolicyByTweet: ExxonMobil needs to squeeze America like a sponge. No national parks mean no grizzly bear attacks! Win-win for America! – @WHITEHOUSE_ORG

An America-Only ENERGY Plan

THE PRESIDENT: On energy, I will stop supporting sissy stuff like wind and solar and rainbows and all that liberal hippy-dippy spiral-dancer earth-lover bullshit, and go back to a future where huge, dick-like smokestacks belch out thick, beautiful GOLDEN clouds of...

DRAINING THE SWAMP

THE PRESIDENT: On ethics reform, as part of my plan to "Drain the Swamp" so we can frack the shit out of it, I will immediately release my tax returns, eliminate all conflicts of interest, and liquidate my foreign holdings. (PAUSE) OK, I’m fucking with you. Again....

America-Only RELIGIOUS FREEDOM

America is all about freedom – to be a Christian. And freedom to shit on losers the Bible tells you to hate because they aren’t Jesus groupies like you!

Standing Up For LAW ENFORCEMENT

THE PRESIDENT: As all my addresses to Joint Sessions of Congress will make abundantly clear: America is, basically, a costume party. If you wear a uniform, you get worshipped -- no questions asked. You can riddle a black teenager, who's begging for mercy, with bullets...

That So-Called “Race” Stuff

My base thinks it’s hilarious I’m calling them “thugs” –a word that everyone knows is code for “horny urban negro.”

America-Only LGBTQ Stuff

THE PRESIDENT: OK, I got nothing against the homos. If I did, would I have used Liberace as my decorator? He took one look at my Trump Tower condo and said, "Giiiiirl, I'm going to whomp this wasteland up 'til she looks like a Persian prostitute won the lottery!"...

Abortion Rights WRONGS

THE PRESIDENT: I never really cared about abortion – beyond demanding receipts before cutting the reimbursement checks…

America-Only IMMIGRATION

THE PRESIDENT: On immigration, we’re gonna get rid of immigration; we’re gonna have immiGREATion. It will be so great. I don’t know how yet, but believe me. There may be no fresh produce in your grocery store, but that’s a small price to pay for never having to press...

USA-ONLY FOREIGN POLICY

THE PRESIDENT: For too long, America has been the world’s nice, rich uncle, handing out candy, winks and presents — but getting nothing in return except a couple fingers barely under the Underoos. No more! Starting now, America is the world’s cranky grandpa in the...

An America-Only JOBS & GROWTH Plan

THE PRESIDENT: To stimulate jobs, we must gut any and all regulations that stand in the way of profit at any cost. That's why for every new regulation, I will require that two be eliminated! Which ones? Pick out of a hat -- I don’t care. Details are for nosy Special...