Donald J. Trump is, BAR NONE, the greatest-ever President in the entire history of this total disaster of a country called America. Seriously folks, I’m like a million times better than so-called “President” George Washington or that ugly beanpole slave-stealer, Abe Lincoln. And trust us, I am fully like a BILLION times better than more recent total losers like Balack Osama and Jeb’s dickcheese brother George W. Bush, who totally broke the world by the way – which actually did a fabulous job setting the stage for ME. In fact, most presidents – except DONALD TRUMP – are only good for making fun of. You should see my impression of FDR trying to walk to the toilet when he has the runs. Believe me, everyone HOWLS. Ivanka even crapped her tight little miniskirt!
Donald J. Trump is the ultimate and totally perfect incarnation of American celebrity capitalism. A fixture on really classy magazine covers and TV shows for three decades, his name is synonymous with rock-hard, solid gold skyscrapers that SCHLONG the clouds, glittering casinos staffed by YOUNG, gorgeous, cooperative little hotties with huge-yet-firm titties flopping out of their spaghetti string uniforms, and fabulous pay-per-view TV events where steroid-engorged negroes viciously cockfight for your viewing pleasure. And that’s why his entry into politics earned TRILLIONS in free media coverage, delivering a MIRACLE electoral victory over Crooked Hillary, which was basically the biggest landslide since the ’83 series finale of “M*A*S*H” gave ABC’s “That’s Incredible” a MASSIVE deep-dicking.
President Trump’s father, Frederick “Daddy Dearest” Trump, was a humble, everyday billionaire real estate developer, who by a stroke of incredible coincidence, somehow managed to inadvertently rent exclusively to people with blue eyes. Fred hired his prodigal son Donald straight out of college – establishing a proud and enduring Trump family tradition of granting fabulously compensated C-Suite careers to children blissfully uncorrupted by experience, accomplishment, curiosity, or intellect. Soon thereafter, Donald’s insatiable appetite for media attention transformed the name “Trump” into an iconic cultural symbol of aspirational machismo, like a nouveau-riche Rockefeller twerking in one of Hugh Hefner’s velour banana hammocks. Women everywhere whispered, “I’d fuck even THAT guy. He’s so rich!”
An accomplished closer of book deals, Mr. Trump’s name has appeared on the cover of 14 bestsellers about success in business, popular with riders of the Delta Shuttle (formerly the bankrupt Trump Shuttle). His first book, “The Art of the Deal,” was the #1 book of the year in 1987. Forget the alternative fact that Tony Schwartz, the so-called writer guy who did all the actual “ideas and words” parts, now calls Trump “The Sociopath” and says the book puts “lipstick on a pig.” That homo is pure “FAKE JEWS.”
Mr. Trump announced his candidacy on June 16, 2015, and after totally DEMOLISHING the 16 total women (and Carly Fiorina) running against him in the primaries, he accepted the Republican nomination for President while flanked by his telegenic Aryan spawn (and L’il Donnie) – plus Chachi from “Happy Days.”
The Donald won the election on November 8 of 2016 by 95% of the popular vote. You do the math to figure out how many million popular votes were FAKE VOTES. We can’t, because math, like science, is also FAKE. And hard. Anyways, everyone loves Donald J. Trump! All broads love him! All blacks love him! All rapists – and other (impotent) Mexicans – love him! Even DEAD people love him, and all the TRILLIONS of people who haven’t even been born yet. In fact, a recent Brietbart poll found that 93% of sperm cells swimming around inside ballsacks all over the world are wearing teeny-tiny “Make America Great Again” hats!
Donald J. Trump campaigned in places he knew Republicans have difficulty winning – schools, cities, anywhere with indoor plumbing or enough voting booths – because he knew, in all his inestimable business acumen, there would be cameras there. So many cameras, folks! And millions of Americans watched, and recognized him from “The Apprentice,” and came to the rallies to thrill at the fancy sight of an aging, KFC-reeking Boeing 727 with gold-plated toilets recklessly buzzing the crowd at low altitude, while hordes of angry blacks chanted cop-killer rap-hop lyrics from razorwire-topped “free speech” pens across the street. And all was right and good in the world.
President Trump is totally irresistible to America’s evangelical voters for several reasons. First, his now-shuttered casinos represented an adorably amateurish take on “The House Always Wins”– a slogan the business of Christianity perfected long ago. Second, his three marriages – to a succession of increasingly saline-engorged hotwives, reflect the kind of buffet-style morality that helps conspicuously pious hypocrites justify their gluttonous appetites for carnal vices in the face of all that annoying, preachy Bible shit. And, third, Mr. Trump’s constant talk of cash that he never pays taxes on really hit a sweet spot with all the rich, avaricious CEOs of McJesus Inc, whose careers are devoted to second-guessing Christ’s command to give all they have to the poor.
President Trump has five legally verifiable children. (Direct all paternity claims via e-mail to LyingSlags@Trump.com) He owns no dogs or cats (none survived L’il Donnie’s tempestuous, trigger-happy childhood). Anyway, puppies and kittens, with all that stained, pungent, non-electrolysized muff all over their whatevers are just disgusting, OK?
President Trump’s campaign slogan was a hashtag, and so too is his Presidency. Follow him today on Twitter: @FantasticPOTUS