America-Only RELIGIOUS FREEDOM

THE PRESIDENT: As someone who has always been totally free of religion, I am all for so-called “Religious Freedom.” Sure, Franklin Graham, Jerry Falwell, Jr., Tony Perkins, and a bunch of other Jesus death cult crazies who voted for me say that’s not what “Religious Freedom” means, but whatever. If you aren’t even free to call a freedom something that it isn’t, how is that even freedom? Riddle me that one, Fact Police! OK?

Anyhoo, if America’s Christian 80% likes to think they’re a super-persecuted minority, just have President Bannon slide something under my nose to sign. As long as he brings me a McRibb, consider it done: PRESTO-CHANGO, all your “Religious Freedom” problems are solved! Trust me: You will get so bored of no longer being pretend-persecuted, you’ll stop noticing the difference!

Look, I get it – when those powdered wig-wearing fruitcakes founded this formerly great dump called America back in 1492 or whatever, “religion” just meant how you grovel at Hippy Jesus’ sandals. Kiss some dress-wearing Pope’s kiddy-diddling ring, or some Limey poon-dogger king’s crown, or whatever? Bottom line is it was all Jesus – none of this Allah-Buddah-LRon garbage! Actually, if you ask me, Jesus was pretty overrated. His ratings were SO LOUSY until after he died. I mean, if L’il Donnie or Eric ever came home in some flouncy gown with long hair like a broad, I would have scissor-fucked them faster than one of my Miss Teen Universe contestants. So true!

So believe me folks: America is all about freedom — to be a Christian. And freedom to shit on everyone the Bible tells you to hate because they aren’t Jesus groupies like you. Because joining a religion is like joining a club, and nobody knows more about clubs than me! Clubs have rules, and Christians believe even non-members should have to follow those rules. OK, that gives me a great idea on how to become more Christian! I need to talk to USDOJ about making Mar-a-Lago‘s rules apply to even non-members. Starting with the new $200,000 non-refundable initiation fee! Thank you Christians! I owe you! Let’s start with a “Religious Freedom” executive order!
 

#PolicyByTweet: Thanks to me, you can say “Merry Christmas!” again. You can also say “I got no health insurance” again. Boo-hoo! Take it up with Jesus, OK? – @WHITEHOUSE_ORG

That So-Called “Race” Stuff

My base thinks it’s hilarious I’m calling them “thugs” –a word that everyone knows is code for “horny urban negro.”

USA-ONLY FOREIGN POLICY

THE PRESIDENT: For too long, America has been the world’s nice, rich uncle, handing out candy, winks and presents — but getting nothing in return except a couple fingers barely under the Underoos. No more! Starting now, America is the world’s cranky grandpa in the...

Standing Up For LAW ENFORCEMENT

THE PRESIDENT: As all my addresses to Joint Sessions of Congress will make abundantly clear: America is, basically, a costume party. If you wear a uniform, you get worshipped -- no questions asked. You can riddle a black teenager, who's begging for mercy, with bullets...

HUGE TRADE Deals

THE PRESIDENT: On the Trans-Pacific Partnership, I will do what I do with all “TP” – flush it! And tell all those trannie pacifists they’ll NEVER pee in the wrong bathroom at the TRUMP White House. #MAGA #PolicyByTweet: We need to go back to saying the words...

Making Our Military HUGE Again

THE PRESIDENT: Who needs healthcare, education, the arts, or diplomacy, when we can stuff all that money down the gullets of corporate military contractors, like when L'il Donnie makes homemade foie gras with the Mar-a-Lago geese? (That stuff is so classy and...

America-Only IMMIGRATION

THE PRESIDENT: On immigration, we’re gonna get rid of immigration; we’re gonna have immiGREATion. It will be so great. I don’t know how yet, but believe me. There may be no fresh produce in your grocery store, but that’s a small price to pay for never having to press...

America-Only LGBTQ Stuff

THE PRESIDENT: OK, I got nothing against the homos. If I did, would I have used Liberace as my decorator? He took one look at my Trump Tower condo and said, "Giiiiirl, I'm going to whomp this wasteland up 'til she looks like a Persian prostitute won the lottery!"...

DRAINING THE SWAMP

THE PRESIDENT: On ethics reform, as part of my plan to "Drain the Swamp" so we can frack the shit out of it, I will immediately release my tax returns, eliminate all conflicts of interest, and liquidate my foreign holdings. (PAUSE) OK, I’m fucking with you. Again....

An America-Only ENERGY Plan

THE PRESIDENT: On energy, I will stop supporting sissy stuff like wind and solar and rainbows and all that liberal hippy-dippy spiral-dancer earth-lover bullshit, and go back to a future where huge, dick-like smokestacks belch out thick, beautiful GOLDEN clouds of...

America-Only RELIGIOUS FREEDOM

America is all about freedom – to be a Christian. And freedom to shit on losers the Bible tells you to hate because they aren’t Jesus groupies like you!