THE PRESIDENT: As someone who has always been totally free of religion, I am all for so-called “Religious Freedom.” Sure, Franklin Graham, Jerry Falwell, Jr., Tony Perkins, and a bunch of other Jesus death cult crazies who voted for me say that’s not what “Religious Freedom” means, but whatever. If you aren’t even free to call a freedom something that it isn’t, how is that even freedom? Riddle me that one, Fact Police! OK?

Anyhoo, if America’s Christian 80% likes to think they’re a super-persecuted minority, just have President Bannon slide something under my nose to sign. As long as he brings me a McRibb, consider it done: PRESTO-CHANGO, all your “Religious Freedom” problems are solved! Trust me: You will get so bored of no longer being pretend-persecuted, you’ll stop noticing the difference!

Look, I get it – when those powdered wig-wearing fruitcakes founded this formerly great dump called America back in 1492 or whatever, “religion” just meant how you grovel at Hippy Jesus’ sandals. Kiss some dress-wearing Pope’s kiddy-diddling ring, or some Limey poon-dogger king’s crown, or whatever? Bottom line is it was all Jesus – none of this Allah-Buddah-LRon garbage! Actually, if you ask me, Jesus was pretty overrated. His ratings were SO LOUSY until after he died. I mean, if L’il Donnie or Eric ever came home in some flouncy gown with long hair like a broad, I would have scissor-fucked them faster than one of my Miss Teen Universe contestants. So true!

So believe me folks: America is all about freedom — to be a Christian. And freedom to shit on everyone the Bible tells you to hate because they aren’t Jesus groupies like you. Because joining a religion is like joining a club, and nobody knows more about clubs than me! Clubs have rules, and Christians believe even non-members should have to follow those rules. OK, that gives me a great idea on how to become more Christian! I need to talk to USDOJ about making Mar-a-Lago‘s rules apply to even non-members. Starting with the new $200,000 non-refundable initiation fee! Thank you Christians! I owe you! Let’s start with a “Religious Freedom” executive order!

#PolicyByTweet: Thanks to me, you can say “Merry Christmas!” again. You can also say “I got no health insurance” again. Boo-hoo! Take it up with Jesus, OK? – @WHITEHOUSE_ORG