America-Only RELIGIOUS FREEDOM

THE PRESIDENT: As someone who has always been totally free of religion, I am all for so-called “Religious Freedom.” Sure, Franklin Graham, Jerry Falwell, Jr., Tony Perkins, and a bunch of other Jesus death cult crazies who voted for me say that’s not what “Religious Freedom” means, but whatever. If you aren’t even free to call a freedom something that it isn’t, how is that even freedom? Riddle me that one, Fact Police! OK?

Anyhoo, if America’s Christian 80% likes to think they’re a super-persecuted minority, just have President Bannon slide something under my nose to sign. As long as he brings me a McRibb, consider it done: PRESTO-CHANGO, all your “Religious Freedom” problems are solved! Trust me: You will get so bored of no longer being pretend-persecuted, you’ll stop noticing the difference!

Look, I get it – when those powdered wig-wearing fruitcakes founded this formerly great dump called America back in 1492 or whatever, “religion” just meant how you grovel at Hippy Jesus’ sandals. Kiss some dress-wearing Pope’s kiddy-diddling ring, or some Limey poon-dogger king’s crown, or whatever? Bottom line is it was all Jesus – none of this Allah-Buddah-LRon garbage! Actually, if you ask me, Jesus was pretty overrated. His ratings were SO LOUSY until after he died. I mean, if L’il Donnie or Eric ever came home in some flouncy gown with long hair like a broad, I would have scissor-fucked them faster than one of my Miss Teen Universe contestants. So true!

So believe me folks: America is all about freedom — to be a Christian. And freedom to shit on everyone the Bible tells you to hate because they aren’t Jesus groupies like you. Because joining a religion is like joining a club, and nobody knows more about clubs than me! Clubs have rules, and Christians believe even non-members should have to follow those rules. OK, that gives me a great idea on how to become more Christian! I need to talk to USDOJ about making Mar-a-Lago‘s rules apply to even non-members. Starting with the new $200,000 non-refundable initiation fee! Thank you Christians! I owe you! Let’s start with a “Religious Freedom” executive order!
 

#PolicyByTweet: Thanks to me, you can say “Merry Christmas!” again. You can also say “I got no health insurance” again. Boo-hoo! Take it up with Jesus, OK? – @WHITEHOUSE_ORG

Abortion Rights WRONGS

THE PRESIDENT: I never really cared about abortion – beyond demanding receipts before cutting the reimbursement checks…

America-Only IMMIGRATION

THE PRESIDENT: On immigration, we’re gonna get rid of immigration; we’re gonna have immiGREATion. It will be so great. I don’t know how yet, but believe me. There may be no fresh produce in your grocery store, but that’s a small price to pay for never having to press...

An America-Only ENERGY Plan

THE PRESIDENT: On energy, I will stop supporting sissy stuff like wind and solar and rainbows and all that liberal hippy-dippy spiral-dancer earth-lover bullshit, and go back to a future where huge, dick-like smokestacks belch out thick, beautiful GOLDEN clouds of...

That So-Called “Race” Stuff

My base thinks it’s hilarious I’m calling them “thugs” –a word that everyone knows is code for “horny urban negro.”

America-Only RELIGIOUS FREEDOM

America is all about freedom – to be a Christian. And freedom to shit on losers the Bible tells you to hate because they aren’t Jesus groupies like you!

HUGE TRADE Deals

THE PRESIDENT: On the Trans-Pacific Partnership, I will do what I do with all “TP” – flush it! And tell all those trannie pacifists they’ll NEVER pee in the wrong bathroom at the TRUMP White House. #MAGA #PolicyByTweet: We need to go back to saying the words...

DRAINING THE SWAMP

THE PRESIDENT: On ethics reform, as part of my plan to "Drain the Swamp" so we can frack the shit out of it, I will immediately release my tax returns, eliminate all conflicts of interest, and liquidate my foreign holdings. (PAUSE) OK, I’m fucking with you. Again....

Standing Up For LAW ENFORCEMENT

THE PRESIDENT: As all my addresses to Joint Sessions of Congress will make abundantly clear: America is, basically, a costume party. If you wear a uniform, you get worshipped -- no questions asked. You can riddle a black teenager, who's begging for mercy, with bullets...

America-Only LGBTQ Stuff

THE PRESIDENT: OK, I got nothing against the homos. If I did, would I have used Liberace as my decorator? He took one look at my Trump Tower condo and said, "Giiiiirl, I'm going to whomp this wasteland up 'til she looks like a Persian prostitute won the lottery!"...

USA-ONLY FOREIGN POLICY

THE PRESIDENT: For too long, America has been the world’s nice, rich uncle, handing out candy, winks and presents — but getting nothing in return except a couple fingers barely under the Underoos. No more! Starting now, America is the world’s cranky grandpa in the...