THE PRESIDENT: OK, so I don’t know why they make you hate abortion when you become a Republican. I thought the key to GOP survival was voter suppression – and what better way to keep coloreds out of polling stations than by vacuuming them into slush when they’re still the size of black-eyed peas? Besides, it’s not like the people who do all the work – MEN – get stuck carrying a brat for however long it takes, right?

Anyhoo, ever since I got to Washington, all I hear about is: “ABORTION THIS! ABORTION THAT!” Give it a fucking break, already! I never really cared about the subject beyond demanding receipts before I would cut the reimbursement checks. (Ladies are liars, folks!) But I got to shut these religious crazies up, so Republicans can talk about stuff that matters – ME!

So I have signed an Executive Order banning abortion. I didn’t read it, but am told it makes ALL abortions ILLEGAL. Anyone having an abortion in the White House will have more than her pregnancy terminated, OK?

There will be NO EXCEPTIONS. None! Except here:

#PolicyByTweet: BANNING abortion in USA! But if you really, really need one, Trump® @SentientJets now offering FABULOUS Gulfstream IV abortion tours of Grand Cayman! Book today @! – @WHITEHOUSE_ORG