Transcript of Donald Rumsfeld's Call Informing the President of His Desire To Spend More Time Bombing His Family

SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Well... golly gee, I guess this is worse than that, by willikers. With everyone, even the Army Times, saying that the invasion of Iraq is the biggest military disaster in US history, and that I've lost the respect of the troops, and turned our volunteer fighting force into sitting ducks out there in the desert, plus…

THE PRESIDENT: Rummy, Rumster. Rummington. I get the point. You're about as popular as David Duke at a KFC in Harlem. But I've got a real headache on my hands here, no thanks to Turd Blossom's so-called "genius." We've just lost both Houses of Congress, and now I've got to deal with that snatch-licker from San Francisco, Nancy what's her face, who's now two assassinations away from being the first female POTUS. And don't think she won't take her San Francisco values with her into the Oval Office: Imagine a queer Secretary of State, a crunchy tree-hugging Secretary of the Interior, a peacenik National Security Advisor, and a tie-dyed hippy Secretary of Defense.

SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Well, sir, that's kind of why I called. It is my sad duty to inform you that I will be resigning my post as Secretary of Defense.

THE PRESIDENT: What?! All this in ONE fucking day?

SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Sir?

THE PRESIDENT: Uggh. Look Rummy, last week I told everyone that you and Cheney would be with me until the end of my term, and NOBODY makes the Bushes out to be a liars – well, except for the 9/11 Commission, gazillions of fact-packed newspaper articles, and nearly every high-ranking official who leaves my administration to write tell-all books about my glaring incompetence.

SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Well gosh, sir, I'm sorry but it just seems like there's no way I can stay now that I've completely lost any credibility with the troops and the nation. I think it's time I pursued other interests; spend more time with my family; all that horseshit that fuck-ups say when it's time to go.

THE PRESIDENT: Well, I guess there's other stuff you'd be good at, like chairing the board of some defense contractor and screwing them over like you screwed the troops by not properly equipping them when I ordered them to fight my pretty daddy's boy war of personal revenge.

SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Well sir, in my own defense, as you know, you go to war with the army you wish you had, not the army you had had before you had the army you presently have or wish to have in the future.

THE PRESIDENT: Excuse me?

SECRETARY RUMSFELD. Sir, in life there are no known knowns. On the other hand there are known knowns once unknown knowns are known, plus unknown knowns that aren't known until they become known, you know?

THE PRESIDENT: (whispers) I can't believe I put up with this shit for six years. Allright, Rummy, resignation accepted. Don't let the door hit you on the way out, you know?

(Click.)