BEWARE THE BRAYING ASS: President Explains What Voters Can Expect From a Democratic Congress

• If you vote for the Democrats... we will lose the War on Terror. What do the Democrats know about war – World War II, The Korean War, and Vietnam notwithstanding? They will kick up their kinky stiletto heels and listen to the new Andrew Lloyd Webber CD "Divas," and eat pot brownies while Iran and North Korea combine into the new menace of New Koran, which will proceed to irradiate its entire indigenous population with little nuclear death nuggets.
• If you vote for the Democrats... the world will begin to stop being scared shitless of the most powerful country in the world, and where fear once spread its tumor-like tendrils, hope might flower. Hope, you sissy chump-fucks. Who wants that? Remember: all of our foreign policy and national security problems are the fault of those in charge over six years ago. They started it, and it's really super-unfair to blame the GOP for anything other than making those problems 110% worse than any late 90's paranoid could ever have imagined.
• If you vote for the Democrats... Army boot camp will be replaced with Yoga meditation retreats and trust exercises. Anal massage will be taught alongside sharpshooting. The only thing that will be left standing between the shell-shocked Iraqi people and the rampaging insurgency – so blind with hysterical bloodlust that once they manage to murder every living person in Iraq during their Allah-themed orgy of carnage, they will turn on mannequins, dig up corpses to kill them again, and then, ultimately, themselves – will be a platoon of goodwill Webelos and five juiced up Halliburton rent-a-Green Berets.
• If you vote for the Democrats... militant Islamofascist storm troopers, like 10 or 15 thousand, will invade American and hold our heavily-armed nation of 300 million people hostage. They will use bad words, and their scratchy beards will be scary, and Nancy Pelosi will write all of America's nuclear warhead codes on the inside of a pair of her used, sodden panties and seductively stuff them in the mouth of Sheik FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
• If you vote for the Democrats... I promise you that you'll never hold your grandchildren, since a Crescent Flag will wave over the White House, and every Christian baby will be sent to special indoctrination Madrassas where American youth will be taught to never shave, use body deodorant, and that the only long, hard phallus a man should stab anything or anyone with
  is Allah's Sword Of Islamic Peace And Harmony.
• If you vote for the Democrats... they will roll back the tax cut on the wealthiest Americans, and my friends, I don't have to tell you what will happen next. Executive compensation and bonuses will shrink from their currently obscene levels to those that are merely absurd. Second yachts will be harder to finance, especially with your co-worker's 401K funds. And the middle class will receive a boost in their weekly paychecks, which means they will inch closer and closer to our country clubs, gourmet grocery stores, and Aspen ski chalets.
• If you vote for the Democrats... they will weed out ten years of the historically tragic, yet immensely profitable carnal relationship between Congress and a new generation of super-human K-Street lobbyists created in radioactive Petri dishes by Corporate America. Wonder why the Dow is soaring? It's because Wall Street is realizing the party is over, can rape this dead hooker no more, so let's sell, sell, sell because a reckoning is coming. Don't be a defeatist, a cut-and-runner! Stay the course, vote Republican, and keep the goods times rolling!
• If you vote for Democrats... they will actually prevent duly elected pedophiles from writing child protection legislation, sinister oil company executives from crafting an energy policy that demands war in the Middle East in order to continue padding the coffers of their shareholders, and fat, smug draft dodgers from creating war plans more connected with empowerment wet dreams inspired by old war movies than with actual combat experience.
• And finally, if you vote for the Democrats... they won't militarize your kids school. They won't turn every public school into a barbed wired ringed bunker where your children will be protected from bullets, progressive secularism, and commercial airplanes. Instead, they will remain cesspools of liberalism and vulgar finger painting.

Now with all that said, get out there and VOTE YOUR CONSCIENCE!