THE PRESIDENT: My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to say that today I actually have some good news: I just saved a buncha money on my car insurance! Heh, just kidding. I do love that little green Geico feller though.

OK, I really do have some terrific news, courtesy of my buddy Rummy over at the Pentagon. He says that thousands of our super-lucky troops who are already enjoying an all-expenses paid vacation in Iraqistan are going to get to stay even longer than they thought! How great is that?

What's more, some even luckier troops from the 172nd Stryker Brigade – who were totally bummed over the prospect of adjusting back to their drab, boring lives here in the States – get to go back to the fun and sun of Iraq, America's fastest-growing tourist destination. In fact, in the last year more Americans have gone on extended trips to Iraq – or as I think we should start calling it, "Club AchMed" – than any other dung-crusted, sandblasted mass grave in the world!

Why, just think of all the wonderful, waterless beach-style fun the 1st Brigade, 1st Armored Division is going to have in the desert becoming best pals with the locals! From what I've heard, the native Iraqizoids are positively dying to get close to our boys! They're practically exploding with excitement!

Get the GODLY New Book!

Or how about those lucky ducks from the 4th Brigade, 1st Cavalry Division? They thought they were going to have to sit in America until the end of November before they got to go join the party. We couldn't have that. That would be like canceling Christmas, only with sand instead of snow, mortars instead of lights, and instead of a big fat guy in a red suit handing out presents, there's an emaciated goat with an IED strapped to its udder wandering towards the nearest Army outpost. The point is, I wouldn't want to be the guy who took Christmas away from our troops. Would you? I didn't think so.

Now, some folks might say that it's just not fair, letting some troops go back early for another tour, while so many others get stuck spending time with their clingy families and lame friends. Well, there's not much I can say to argue with that. Club AchMed is a pretty darn wonderful place. I like to think of it as a land where the impossible becomes possible.

Thnk about it: before I invaded Iraq, how many people got to legally shoot a crippled kid with a high-powered sniper rifle because he might be packing a plastique suppository? None. How many got to do it after? Plenty!

Before Iraq, how many Americans got the chance to hook up jumper cables to the shorn nutsack of a shivering sand coon and give him a choice between a friendly conversation and a visit from Mr. Happy Voltage? And after? Yep, it's a place where dreams come true! (Thumbs up.)

It's my hope that every non-homo man and woman between the ages of seventeen and thirty-five gets the chance to go on a fun-filled tour of Club AchMed. Limiting it to 140,000 just ain't right.

As an incentive, many will even stay in fabulous historical landmarks. Can you imagine sleeping on a cot just inches from where in real live infidel was beheaded in front of a camera? It's like being on a movie set! And then there are all the exciting and entertaining activities: Relaxing Residence Searches, Breathtaking Border Patrols, Wacky Waiting to Get Into the Green Zone While Praying to God the Snipers Are Taking a Piss – hell, even using one of the spacious and comfortable Port-o-Johns is a spine-tingling adventure in uncertainty!

Yes, it's all so much fun, I almost want to go myself. Of course, I can't. And neither can my children. Or any of the children of all the Congressmen who voted for the war. Well, except for McCain's kid, but what do you expect from the child of that craaaaa-zy old coot? You know, I can't prove it, but I've always supected that those Vietcong fellas injected John's brain with some kind of retard syrum.

Anyway, to all you soldiers who can't wait to get to cushy, sun-and-blood-soaked Iraq, don't you fret. I'm working to get you over there just as soon as I can – hopefully just in time for you to be able to fill out one of those great, "impossible to lose" absentee ballots!

Until then, you just sit tight. Your turn will come soon enough. Goodnight, and God Bless America!

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