PRIME MINISTER AL-MALIKI: Thank you. Please be seated. I've called you here today because this morning, in a moment of lucidity coincidentally following a conference call with President Bush, Vice President Cheney and Secretary Rumsfeld, I suddenly thought "America sure did bravely swoop in and save my helplessly swarthy countrymen from being dunked in Saddam's giant acid baths! Clearly, we have not been gracious hosts, nor have we adequately thanked those visionary masterminds who thought they could quell centuries of tribal strife with a discount army, Jesus and portable Pizza Hut kiosks!" And for that I wish to make amends.

So if you will allow me, I'd like to read from this prepared statement – which, let me to reiterate: was my idea, written by me and of my own volition, and not delivered with Natan Sharansky's entire forearm jimmied up my falafel-hole to use my head like a sock puppet.

(A door slams.)

AAAAHHHH! THEY'RE GOING SHOOT ME! SAVE ME AAAHHHHH! (Stage-dives into crowd of reporters; reemerges holding a baby aloft as a shield.)

Get the GODLY New Book!

FUCK YOU! YOU DON'T KILL ME! I'M THE PRIME MINISTER! AAAAAHHHH! PLEASE JUST LET ME MOVE TO THE AMERICAN SUBURBS!!!!!

(Long pause as PM al-Maliki assesses situation. He relinquishes baby to mother, composes self, and returns to podium.)

So... As I was saying... I, Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki of Iraq, do sincerely thank the American people for their sacrifices liberating Iraq from the cruel grasp of a dictator, and into the gnashing jaws of a religious civil war.

I want to thank America for continuing to send legions of their heavily-armed young men, whose continued presence ensures that Iraq will soon stop merely teetering on the brink of the Apocalypse. It's so comforting to peer over the edge of the abyss, and know that America's best and brightest are coming with us – after they finish torturing us, of course.

I would like to thank President George W. Bush, who – and I quote from the prepared statement I wrote all by myself – "Nobly put terror on notice by shooting a bunch of buckshot into a whole mess of sand niggers just to see what in hell will happen next."

I would also like to thank the President for seeing the world in terms of good and evil, and then betting on both just in case one doesn't work out.

I'd like to thank Vice President Cheney for being a tough-talking palooka who calls me in the middle of the night screaming how I better not fuck it up or no K Street gig. Vice President Cheney is so tough. This is funny: Dick Cheney is so tough?

(Pause)

PRESS: Er... you're asking? How tough is he?

AL-MALIKI: Dick Cheney is so tough, he eats cans of cold Spaghetti-Os with franks while studying grisly photos of Iraqi FREEDOM^® converts! Hey-oh!

I'd also like to thank Secretary Rumsfeld for scoffing at the liberal Western concept of "nation building." It's good he looked down on the concept, seeing as it turns out he is really, really bad at it.

I'd like to thank Halliburton, for turning Iraq into the greatest single construction and real estate scam of all time. I don't complain though; without Halliburton's billions of American tax dollars, I'd never get the kind of froth I like on my Chai Lattes.

I'd like to thank Jesus, the Great Prophet, for sending His armies to the Holy Land just in time to check out the sun bleeding, the rivers boiling, and the seven headed dog-dragon that roars swarms of hornets and poops giant king cobras.

But most of all, I'd like to again thank the American people. Without your paranoid lust for security, and insatiable appetite for the oil that powers your decadent, consequence-free orgy of consumerism, I wouldn't be the figurehead leader of a country slowly disintegrating into a grotesque black hole of death. Oh, and I'm terribly sorry that Kate Hudson and the guy from The Black Crowes broke up. But five years is pretty good for a Hollywood wedding, no?

If you would like, I will happily get down on my hands and knees and give the shoes of any American in this room a thorough tongue bath.

In closing, I would like to declare today a national holiday. I shall call it National Graciousness While Getting Your Ass Shot Off Day. Manners are so important. In honor of this day, I ask every Iraqi to pause and give thanks unto America. Be you ducking behind a car to escape a sniper, patiently waiting to trigger a hidden IED, or just wailing to heaven over a dismembered loved one in a blood-slicked morgue, I ask you to pause and say "Thanks, USA!"

And if that is not enough, I'm personally sending President Bush a fruit basket from the Iraqi people. The note reads:

Dear President Bush, Thank you for the half-assed job of liberating our country. At least it lets us all be who we really are: emotionally damaged medieval tribesmen and women who love to kill. In that respect, you certainly have liberated us.

Love,
       – The Sunni & Shia

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