THE PRESIDENT: Thank you, thank you. Me and Laura are real happy to be here in Pakistan. Specifically, we're real happy to still be alive here in Pakisraq. Late last night, as Air Force One snuck in with its lights off and the window shades drawn, we felt so very welcomed and safe. And then as we squeezed our way through crates of honey-roasted peanuts to make history by slinking out through the cargo hold door, my heart swelled with such pride, knowing the intense love I have engendered, for myself and my country, all over the world. (Applause.)

Now my gracious host, Pervez Mushararf, tells me there has been some almost insignificantly minor unrest in the days leading up to my arrival. Something about bomb craters less than 20 feet deep and riots and casualties numbering well below a million. But I have to say, I saw no evidence of that today while watching Hee-Haw DVDs on the 60" plasma in my armored limousine-fortress with the blackout windows. Which is why right now, I feel so obliviously content to be addressing you, General Musharraf's key henchmen and carefully vetted cronies. Outside of my usual gig blabbing to throngs of adoring military zombies, this is about as sweet a room as I'll ever find! (Applause.)

Of course, on the off-off chance that a terrorist has infiltrated this event, and is listening to me now: you should know that I'm not even me. I'm just an animatronic mannequin with a walkie-talkie in the head. The real me is back in Washington, so nobody should even bother wasting any perfectly good ammo tonight! Just wanted to clear that up...

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Anyway, today I had a real good time playing that game called "cricket" – which is basically like baseball's cute, retarded little sister. I like how the bat is extra-big, which makes it easier to wallop the ball even after seven or eight of those Murree beers you Islamiac Pakistazis love to suck down in secret. (Laughter.)

Also today, General – er, President Musharraf and I reaffirmed the terms of our agreement which we refer to publicly as a partnership in the War on Terror. After the attacks of 9/11^TM, President Musharraf – or "The Pervster", as I so affectionately call him – made a decision. As a brown-skinned unelected tyrant – one who actually had WMDs and active Al Qaeda training camps within his borders – he could risk being toppled like Saddam, or he could blow America a superficial, non-committal kiss – and reap zillions in military and economic aid to shore up his dictatorship. Speaking as the world's #1 cheerleader for FREEDOM^®, I think the Pervster made the right choice. (Applause.)

Today the Pervster also made it point to mention publicly that he voiced his concern to me over the issue of the Danish cartoons of the false prophet Moohammed. Which just goes to prove that even a dictator can also be a craven politician who plays the God card and panders to irrational religious loonies purely out of pants-pissing fear of assassination. As a Republican, I can respect that.

As you know, this is the final stop on my tour of South Asia. A few days ago, I visited with your despised rival India, and gave them a green light to crazy building nukes. I know that you Pakis are hoping I'll do the same for you. Well sorry, but that's not gonna happen. You see, when it comes to nukes, India flipped the bird to the world way back in 1974. You Pakistafarians didn't do it until 1998. So you see, the lesson is clear: rogue states have to wait 32 years after illegally developing nukes before America will say A-OK and help you endanger the world by creating even more nukes. So just hang in there, Pakis. 2030 will be here before you know it – when my nephew George P. will be President. He'll set you up, and then it will Iran's turn to wait. (Applause.)

So please, in the meantime, please try to get along with the Indianics, ok? It shouldn't be too hard. After all, you both speak in that same squeaky cab driver accent, right? Because honestly, us Americans can't understand the hubbub over Kashmir. Truth be told, we think you people and the Jews and Palestinos should take a lesson from America: if we had wanted another barren dump filled with lazy poor people dragging us down, we wouldn't have stopped stealing land at the Rio Grande!

Finally, I do want to end on a humanitarianistic note. As we sit here now, winter drags on in the rugged mountains of Pakistaria, killing untold thousands left homeless by the powerful earthquake which struck last fall. Tonight, most remain untouched by our laughably meager aid efforts: huddled together, hungry, cold, and without hope. How fortunate for us then, the rich and fat and powerful, that we are not there suffering with them, but here in Islamisbad, happily patting one another on the backs and gorging ourselves on mountains of food! (Extended Applause, Knowing Laughter.)

Wait a minute: Islamisbad? "Islam is bad?" Do you mean to tell me that you Muslamiacs have known that all along, but still let me go ahead and defile the Christian White House by holding those cockamamie Ishtar dinners? (Shatters glass on floor.)

Well not anymore, Ali-babbas! And you'll never again hear that B.S. "Islam is a beautiful religion of peace" line I've been dropping the past five years, either.

Call the car. This cowboy is headed BACK TO THE RANCH! PRONTO!!

Good night, and GOD BLESS AMERICA!

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