REPRESENTATIVE HASTERT: Ladies and Gentlemen – Welcome to The 2006 President of the United States Show, starring George W. Bush.

And now... heeeeeeeere’s POTUS!

[Glitter cannons explode, The Charlie Daniels Band plays abridged version of "The Devil Went Down to Georgia", the President does quadruple back flip down aisle, pumps fists in air, pauses briefly to deliver tonsil-buffeting tongue love to Senator Joe Lieberman, then sashays purposefully to podium.]

THE PRESIDENT: Massa Speaker – AKA "Squinty O’Beefcheeks" – Mr. Cheney-bot, fellow Jack Abramoff groupies, distinguished journalists, DEKE circle jerk buddies, and whatever Chinkatronics aren't celebrating New Years four weeks late tonight by blowing off their stubby little fingers with firecrackers...

Today our nation lost a beloved, graceful, courageous woman – Coretta Scott King – whose husband's noble dream was shoved down the throats of the Old Confederacy by Democrat turncoats. How appropriate then, that on the very day of her death, Republicans should confirm a new Supreme Court Justice who spent his Princeton days eating lunch behind a clubhouse door that read "NO NIGGERS ALLOWED." (Applause.)

She was a real credit to her race, so let's applaud for the death of this civil rights hero-by-marriage. Because in another decade or so, there won’t be any of these NAACP pains in the poo flume left to drive us up the wall by whining about minor stuff like the small army of feds keeping Trent Lott's hurricane-ravaged mansion well-guarded while Chocolate City turns into Chocolate Death Gumbo – especially since it worked out well for them! (Applause.)

Now, for those of you watching this tomorrow on TiVo, you can just go ahead and fast-forward to minute 34, which is when you might actually hear something I haven't said like fifty trazillion times before.

Every time I'm invited to this rostrum – whatever the fuck that is – I am as humbled as a blue-blooded alcoholic sociopath can be. And I am mindful of the history we've seen together, like that time when the Supreme Court wiped their balls all over the Constitution and gave me the bestest gift ever: a bitchin' 747 outfitted with a shower and a little football-shaped thingie that controls 7,000 nukes!

We have gathered under this Capitol dome in moments of national mourning, such as the WB cancelling 7th Heaven, and national achievement, such as Playstation 2's Iraq War. We have served America through one of the most consequential periods of our history, and it has been my honor to preside over the wholesale replacement of the inalienable rights of man with the forces of the almighty marketplace and corporate largesse. (Applause.)

Get the GODLY New Book!

In a system of two parties, two chambers and two elected branches, there will always be tension. But just like in an Abu Graib dungeon, there must also be all-powerful majority party guards and helpless, shivering, naked, minority party prisoners. Even routine legislative steamrolling can be conducted in a wholly submissive environment, and Democrats' sense of ineffectual helplessness must not be allowed to harden into impudence, which is why we should thank Jesus that for the most part, we’re all rich, privileged Ivy League bastards. Tonight the state of our union is strong for me personally, and by continuing to act unilaterally, I will make it stronger.

(Applause, Airhorns, North Carolina Senator Liddy Dole Flashes Perky Tits.)

In this decisive year, my speech writers note that the road of isolationism and protectionism may seem broad and inviting, yet it ends in a pit of lost productivity devalued stock portfolios. And so we will yack on about pursuing the enemies of FREEDOM^®, lest we have to talk about or accomplish anything concrete that does not involve making life easier for us in the country club set. America's economy, based as it now is on cheap plastic trinkets manufactured in Communist dictatorships, remains the envy of the world.

In a complex and challenging time, the only way to protect our people, the only way to secure the peace, the only way to control our destiny is through leadership. My leadership. Which is why tonight, I implore the rest of the world to look to the United Bush States – but strictly in a "do what I say, not what I do" sort of way. Otherwise, we can and will kill your children.

(Wild, Orgiastic Cheers; Congressional Republicans Do the Wave; Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum Begins to Spasm and Speak in Tongues.)

Abroad, our nation remains committed to the historic long-term goal of John Wayne diplomacy. We seek the end of all tyranny that we do not directly sponsor or fund. Some dismiss that goal as misguided idealism, just like I did during the 2000 election. In reality, the future security of America depends on killing more of them than they kill of us. On the holy day of 9/11^TM, we found that problems originating in a failed and oppressive state 7,000 miles away could bring murder and destruction to our country – and supply a dogmatic and ethically bankrupt political party with handy-dandy campaign sound bytes and an ass-kicking foreign policy.

Dictatorships shelter terrorists and feed resentment and radicalism, and seek weapons of mass destruction. Democracies replace resentment with hope instead of health care or life preservers, and respect the rights of their citizens, unless they nibble the genitals of (GAG!) their own gender. Yes, every step toward FREEDOM^® in the world under threat of AC-130 gunships makes the American homeland safer, so we will act boldly in FREEDOM^®'s cause. Even if that means shredding the Bill of Rights to ribbons by claiming we're fighting an undeclared War Against Monsters In The Closet.

(Applause; Tomahawk Chops; ACDC’s "Shook Me All Night Long" Blares; Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy Spits Up Tapioca Pudding on Tie and Desperately Tries to Wipe It Off.)

Far from being a hopeless dream, the advance of FREEDOM^® is the great story of our time, right after the utterly necessary impeachment of President Clinton for throat-raping that fat chick who looks like Ariel Sharon in a Marlo Thomas wig. Don't get me wrong though – I like Bubba, and I will keep saying that publicly because it fucks with the head of his husband Hillary. (Winks.)

In 1945, there were about two dozen lonely democracies in the world. Today, there are 122 – and look how great things are! At the start of 2006, more than half the people of our world live in democratic nations. And we do not forget the other half, in places like Syria and Burma, Zimbabwe, North Korea and Iran, Vermont and France, because the demands of justice, and the peace of this world require their FREEDOM^® as well. Or at least, their total and utter eradication. There’s only room for one bully on this blacktop, and it's the bully that has "fire" tattooed on one testicle, and "brimstone" on the other.

(Thunderous Foot Stamping; Cymbals Crash; Utah Senator Orrin Hatch Sacrifices Goat)

No one can deny the success of FREEDOM^®, such as the FREEDOM^® of corporations to buy Congressional votes by sending ethically spotless elected officials on swanky golf getaways to Scotland on Gulfstream IV jets with diamond toilets. Yet some still rail against FREEDOM^®. And one of the main sources of opposition is radical and/or everyday Islam, another perverse non-Christian pseudo-faith like Scientology, based on an ideology of terror and death and aliens and Tom Cruise.

Terrorists like Osama Hussein are as serious about mass murder as I am, and all of us must take their declared intentions seriously, or there’s nothing to run on during this year's congressional elections. They seek to impose a heartless system of totalitarian control throughout the Middle East and arm themselves with weapons of mass murder. And to that I say: "Nuh-uh! Us first!"

Their aim is to seize power in Iraq and use it as a safe haven to launch attacks against Ohio and Florida. Lacking the military strength to challenge us directly, the terrorists have chosen the weapon of fear – and NOBODY gets to use that weapon against America unless his name is "Karl Rove!" When they murder children at a school in Beslan or blow up commuters in London or behead a bound captive, the terrorists hope these horrors will break our will, allowing the violent to inherit the earth. But they have miscalculated. We love our FREEDOM^®, and we will fight to keep it. Even if that means cheap references to international tragedies during a hollow, platitude-strewn stump speech.

(Chief Justice Roberts, and Justices Scalia, Thomas, and Alito Stand & Deliver Barbershop Quartet Rendition of "Hallelujah")

America rejects the false comfort of isolationism, even if my grandpappy Senator Prescott Bush loooooooved it. We are the nation that saved liberty in Europe during "Saving Private Ryan" and liberated death camps after all the death happened and helped raise up democracies like Augusto Pinochet's paradise in Chile and faced down an evil empire by blowing up the Death Star twice. And we continue to build democracies, and just as soon as we're done with that, we'll start up on New Orleans.

We remain on the offensive against terror networks, like Bravo and CNN. We have killed or captured many of their leaders, and I got the scalps to prove it. And for the others, their day will come – AND I’M TALKING TO YOU, BATSHIT MUSLAMIACS! We remain on the offensive in Afghanistan, a city-state comprised of only the capitol city of Kabul, where a fine president whose name I can't recall but I know wears a faggy cape and a National Assembly are playing grabass with each other while building the foundations of a new democratic oil pipeline state and waiting, waiting, waiting for us to leave.

We're on the offensive in Iraq, with a clear plan for victory. The first step is firing up a puppet government. Thankfully, the Iraqis think they're voting to get us the hell out of their country, which is a lot like Arizona, only instead of the new Medicare plan slowly killing old folks, it's car bombs that kill them lickety split! Iraqis are showing their courage every day, and we are proud to be their allies in the cause of FREEDOM^®. Because they do not have a choice. Our work in Iraq is difficult, because our enemy is brutal, but we’re brutalerer. Fellow citizens, we are in his fight to win, and we are winning. Cuz this is the year Oceania GOES DOWN.

(Andy Card Wields T-Shirt Bazooka to Fire "Jeb 2008" Wifebeaters Into Balcony)

The road of victory is the road that will take our troops home, but sadly, it's the scenic route. As we make progress on the ground and Iraqi forces increasingly absorb the shrapnel, we should be able to further decrease our troop levels and move them to the future Tehran Green Zone. But those decisions will be made by our muzzled and neutered military commanders, not by elected officials in Washington, D.C.

Our coalition has learned from experience in Iraq. For instance, we learned that anyone with a twitchy moustache needs to be shot. We've adjusted our military tactics and changed our approach to reconstruction, and judging from the way the post-Civil War Reconstruction of the American South went, we should be done sometime in the next twenty to thirty years. Along the way, we have benefited from responsible criticism from political cronies and Lockheed Martin lobbyists and counsel offered by members of Congress of both parties – namely right-wing AND moderate Republicans. In the coming year, I will continue to reach out and seek your good advice.

(Points to House and Senate Democrats)

BUT NOT YOU.

Yet there is a difference between criticism that aims for success and is nigh-imperceptible, and defeatism that refuses to acknowledge anything but failure, and is total fucking treason. Luckily, the Democrats are just a bunch of wheatgrass-scented word-farts who can't make a case for shit, because as Nancy Pelosi will tell you later, they stand for affordable broadband for all US citizens and oh yeah, you think that California bitch doesn't take moolah from that state's robust military-industrial complex? What-EVAH. If John Frankenkerry actually believed in anything other than expertly tailored suits, he'd have won. But he didn't.

Hindsight alone is not wisdom. Wisdom is saying you're right, even when you know you're wrong. And second guessing is not a strategy. Basically, strategies is for pussies. (Applause.)

With so much in the balance, those of us in public office have a duty to speak with carefully-scripted, focus-tested candor.

Members of Congress, however we feel about the decisions and debates of the past, our nation has only one option: SHUT UP. Our men and women in uniform are making sacrifices and showing a sense of duty stronger than all fear, and thank Christ we don't have to. They actually know what it's like to fight house to house in a maze of streets, to wear heavy gear in the desert heat, to reduce an entire unarmed family to a steaming pile of Shiite sirloin. Which is why it is so important to not think of our soldiers as fellow citizens, or even as human beings. Think of them the way you think of a national monument – proud, noble, pretty, and "Hey let's get a hot dog and head over to the Smithsonian."

And now I will memorialize a soldier for political points: Marine Staff Sgt. Dan Clay was killed last month fighting in Fallujah. He left behind a letter to his family, but his words could just as well be addressed to every American. Here's what Dan wrote: "I know what honor is. It has been an honor to protect and serve all of you. I faced death with the secure knowledge that you would not have to. Never falter. Don't hesitate to honor and support those of us who had the honor of protecting that which is worth protecting."

Wow. Rarely has the verbatim regurgitation of GOP talking points been so poetic. Thank Jesus that Armed Forces Radio only carries Rush Limbaugh. (Applause.)

Staff Sgt. Dan Clay's wife, Lisa, and his mom and dad, Sara Jo and Bud, are with us this evening. Welcome. Savor this mega-brief moment basking in the near-blinding spotlight of pity fame. You'll want to think back on it often once you stop grieving and notice all the bases I'm closing, the benefits I'm chopping, and the flag-draped coffins I avoid like the plague.

Yes, democracy is a global panacea. And America shouldn't think twice about sacrificing thousands of our people to bring it to the Middle East. Just look at the past few months, when Arabiacs in Iraq and Palestine finally had the privilege of democracy handed to them – and promptly voted their liberty away to a pack of religious fundamentalist nutcases. Of course, democracies in the Middle East will not look like our own – at least not until the Christian Taliban has finished hijacking ours in another thirty years or so.

Tonight, let me speak directly to the citizens of Iran. Howdy! America respects you, and your Persian rugs and oil fields, and appreciates how nice you played with my Uncle Ronnie over the hostages and weapons. So forgive us if we never invite you over for dinner anymore. Our nation hopes one day to be the closest of friends with a FREE^® and democratic, and if need be, glow-in-the-dark, totally lifeless Iran.

(Applause. Choreographed Red, White and Blue Aerosol String Show)

OK, next on the laundry list... AIDS! Honestly, I have absolutely nothing new to say about AIDS. Last year I threw out the Ryan White Act bone, too. Guess how much progress has been made? (Winks.) Well that's no big surprise. After all, how can Congress be expected to waste time worrying about homos and colored junkies when there are politically invaluable vegetards to be saved!

But back to TERROR! You know, back on 9/11^TM, folks had a rock-hard boner for some vicious, no-holds-barred payback. So on 9/12, we conducted a top-secret poll of the American people. At that time, everyone clearly indicated that they would have zero problem with me doing whatever the hell I want. They said I could bomb and invade ANY country. They said our polite interrogations should include skinning Islamoids alive and making them eat bacon & barbecued man-cock gyros. And yes, they said I could monitor the e-mail and phone calls of any motherfucker who so much as squinted funny at an "I Support Patrio-Fascist Groupthink" bumpersticker. (Applause.)

And yet today, folks are actually daring to suggest that it's CRIMINAL when a BUSH runs roughshod over the law by spying on American citizens without a court order? Honestly, I thought we were beyond all that post-Watergate hoo-ha. Fortunately, all it will take to make everyone forget all about my impeachable offense is another Al Qaeda hit on US soil. And since Saddam bin Labia has just issued his religion-prescribed pre-attack warning, we can probably expect that to happen before I come back to give this speech next year. Before Election Day would be even better. (Applause. Hoots.)

Here at home, there's all kinds of stuff and issues and whatnot. And since this is the first time I've ever given this speech when an overwhelming majority of Americans have finally caught on to the fact that I have pretty much no fucking idea what I'm doing, I thought I would try to bust out a little bit of that warm-fuzzy blah-blah that might make people think nice stuff about my party when they walk into the voting booth ten short months from now.

Our economy is super-healthy and mega-vigorous. In the last two and a half years, America has created 4.6 million new Wal-Mart jobs – which, even though they may not even pay enough to allow a family of three to subsist on Friskies Buffet, at least they get those 4.6 million people off the streets for a few hours a day. That way, us normal folks are spared the agony of having to look at them lounging around on comfy steam grates. And then while they're toiling for $1.00/hour, the Department of Sanitation can haul all their stinky refrigerator box houses off to the dump. (Applause.)

Yes, the American economy is pre-eminent. As much as the rest of the world may hate us, what they secretly want is to live our lives – lives of slothful gluttony, in which their embarrassingly firm buttocks can ooze ever outwards to the edges of the vinyl bucket seats in the latest model Chevy Suburban. Which is precisely why America cannot afford to be that Protectionarianist thing. And by Protectionistical, I mean "adverse to giving our mega-corporations carte blanche to corral Earth's third world poor folk into modern day slavery-lite." (Applause.)

Tonight I will set out a better path. Specifically, a path that is 100% identical to the one I have been bushwacking for the past five years. Sometimes, just mentioning something again makes it seem all-new! (Applause.)

Keeping America competitive requires us to be good stewards of tax dollars. Every year of my presidency, despite increasing the deficit faster than my darling daughter Jenna can funnel a sixer of Pabst, I'm happy to say we've reduced the growth of nonsecurity discretionary spending. How's that for finding a silver lining? In related news, we continue to reduce the increase of nonpeacetime amputations in our military!

Congress did not act last year on my proposal to save Social Security.

(Boisterous Democratic Applause.)

Oh, real cute, you jackasses! That kind of sarcastic irreverence is totally inappropriate for this event. Somebody call security and have all these dummycraps escorted into the back room where at this very moment, we're torturing that bird-lookin' Cindy See-Saw gash who camped outside my ranch all summer.

Keeping America competitive requires an immigration policy that can somehow juggle my need to appease the Republican business owners who want Mexi-Rican toilet scrubbers, with my desire to not piss off the armed-and-dangerous Minutemen Cracker demographic that actually votes for me. And I am committed to keep on juggling.

Keeping America competitive also requires affordable health care. Fortunately, "affordable" is relative. Sure, old folks may be too dementia-addled to figure out their super-easy new Medicare benefits so they can afford their high blood pressure meds, but so long as my lovely and hilarious wife can pay out-of-pocket to get 20 pounds of cellulite vacuumed out of her ass before the GOP convention, I have no complaints. (Applause.)

Alright, now here comes the part where I'm gonna flat-out blow all your minds and send every poindexter journalist in the country scrambling for the phone, and every greasy Internet nerd scribbling furiously into their blogga-wogga-ding-dongs. Are you ready? Shhhhhhhhhh....

America. Is. Addicted. To. Oil.

(GASPS.)

That's right! For the FIRST TIME in my Presidency, I went and done opened that Pandora's Box called "the truth." Can you believe it? Here's some more:

America. Makes. Shitty. Cars.

(SHRIEKS OF HORROR.)

America. Is. Totally. Bankrupt.

(MASS FAINTINGS.)

OK, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, how could George W. Bush, our beloved Texas Oil CEO, possibly betray his petrochemical patrons and advocate alternate hippy-drippy energy sources like corn and wind and hydrogen?

Well if you happened to catch this week's quarterly earnings reports from Chevron-Texaco and Exxon-Mobil, you'd know that I can AFFORD to talk like a fucking lunatic retard for a few minutes. Dig? Don't worry though, because a fat chunk of those oil profits will be spent lobbying Congress to EXTERMINATE any bill that challenges the energy status quo. And you can – I mean I – can take that to the bank! (Applause, Laughter.)

In recent years, America has become a nation filled with people who hope. Hope that they'll still be employed the next month. Hope they won't be killed by boxcutter-wielding terrorists. Hope they can pay their mortgage. Hope they can keep their health insurance. And most importantly, since more and more Americans are doing in droves, hope that by giving money to a slimy TV preacher who tells you to beg for stuff from the reanimated corpse of the son of an invisible man who lives in the clouds, that everything will be A-OK-Peachy-Keen.

Moving forward, working in cooperation with our Godly Republican Congress and newly-conservatized Supreme Court, I pledge to do everything in my power to keep exactly that brand of hope alive. (Applause.)

And speaking of the Supreme Court, I’d like to give one last shout-out to my new, second-favorite Spaghetti-O slurpin' guinea-wop, Justice Sammy Alito. WOOP! WOOP! WOOP! Slutty little bitches better keep their snatches shut, right Sammyboy? Cuz pretty soon all their eggs is gonna have a USDA APPROVED nano-stamp! (Applause.)

Fellow citizens, we've been called to leadership in a period of consequence. We've entered a great ideological conflict we did nothing to invite – and if you say anything that even hints otherwise, that means you're a TERRORIST. Because if there's one thing that those medievalist Islamians are 100% correct about, it's that the world is black and white, and that thinking about things in non-simplistic non-absolutes is for stupid-assed peaceniks. (Applause.)

Before history is written down in books, it is written on yellow legal pads by glistening fat men in top hats and monocles who chomp on illicit Cuban cigars in the basement of the American Enterprise Institute. And my friends, if the past five years have shown us anything, it's that those boys are on one fuck of a roll!

Thank you, and may Jesus continue to bless Me, His hand-picked ruler of His favorite country.

(Applause. Chants of "USA, USA, USA!")

SEE ALSO:

• 2005 State of the Union Address
• 2004 State of the Union Address
• 2003 State of the Union Address
• 2002 State of the Union Address

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