THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. I'll be happy to take a few questions. Jeff, go ahead.

Q: Will the United States be issuing a formal apology to Italy over the recent checkpoint shooting incident?

THE PRESIDENT: I like to think that the United States and Italy are real good friends. And we value that friendship. After all, Italy and England are the only remaining Old European alliances that I haven't imploded since becoming President. So naturally we'd prefer to preserve that relationship, even if Italy doesn't really contribute anything of value to the coalition.

Q: But is an apology forthcoming, sir?

THE PRESIDENT: An "apology"? What's that? (Winks.)

(Laughter.)

Look, I understand that the Italianeses are upset. They're a very volatile people. You would be too if everyone around you had disgusting garlic breath and you had to live in a country that couldn't build sports cars anywhere near as sexy as the Camaro. But I'll tell you something – so long as you just nod and smile at whatever they're whining about, the Italianistas always settle back down. Just as soon as they get a glass or six of that awful wine of theirs in them. (Laughs.) Go ahead Terry.

Get the GODLY New Book!

Q: How do you respond to allegations by the journalist Giuliana Sgrena that their car was not speeding, and that American soldiers knowingly fired on them – essentially implying that this event was an assassination?

THE PRESIDENT: Well first of all, it's worth pointing out that "speeding" is a concept unique to societies that are built on respect for the law. So you'll forgive me if I'm a little hesitant to debate its meaning with someone from a country whose entire population belongs to the Mafia.

Now as for saying that US forces intentionally fired upon Italianos, that is simply absurd. Our boys are trained to use deadly force ONLY in circumstances where they have reason to believe their lives are in danger. And if there's one thing they teach you in the military, it's that no soldier in modern history has ever had any reason to fear an Italianer. I mean, what are they going to do? Suffocate you with their B.O.? (Snickers, Waves Hand in Front of Nose.)

But listen – in the end, it comes down to a question of credibility. Who are you going to believe? An all-American 19 year-old FREEDOM^® FIGHTER, or some crazy old broad from a nation shaped like one of Condi's dominatrix boots? Bob, you're next.

Q: Has this incident strained your warm personal relationship with Prime Minister Berlusconi?

THE PRESIDENT: Well, I do like to think I have a good relationship with Silvio - or as I like to call him, "Benito Murdoch." He's a real obedient little guy. Some folks may call Tony Blair my "poodle boy," but really, he ain't got nothing on Berlusconi. I mean, that little Dagonista greaser just can't get enough of lapping at my cannoli hole!

So no, I don't think our relationship will suffer. At least I hope not. Because he's me and Laura's connection for those fancy Italianistic furniture covers made out of clear plastic – and Pickles just bought a Natuzzi leather sofabed for the Vermeil Room.

Q: Did Italy pay a ransom to secure the release of Giuliana Sgrena from Iraqi insurgents?

You'll have to ask them that. But I sure hope not. That would be awful Filopennesian of them.

Q: Is there anything you'd like to say directly to the people of Italy?

THE PRESIDENT: Yes, I'd like all Italiosaureses to know that America really really "regrets" what happened. Specifically, we "regret" that you're making such a big deal over it. We know you're upset. Upset that your guy, who was sneaking around behind our backs, got killed. Upset that your once-vast empire has been reduced to a pathetic layer of swarthy fat around the Vatican. And most of all, upset that Pizza Hut pizza is so much better than yours.

To you I say, "Get over it already. Or don't. We don't really care. We don't need you or anybody else. Because we're America, and we're number one. So get with the program or hit the road. And maybe, just maybe, we won't blow you away this time."

Thank you, and God Bless Us.

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