M E M O R A N D U M
CONFIDENTIAL: NOT TO BE LEAKED
TO: Conservative Senators, Congressmen, Wall Street Sugar Daddies
FROM: CEO-in-Chief, George W. Bush
RE: Cramming Social Security Privatization Down the Rooster-Necked Throats of the Feeble Near-Dead Hordes
Gentlemen,
As many of you may recall from the recent campaign, the lynchpin of the domestic policy I occasionally mentioned (when not stirring my
bubbling cauldron of brimstone-scented terror gruel) was "reforming" the socialist ATM machine known as Social Security.
Invented by that snotty pinko cripple FDR over seventy years ago, Social Security represents our easiest
target to firebomb as we redouble our efforts to restore America to its Great Depression gilded age – a time
when the otherwise asinine secular theory of "natural selection" saw its only worthwhile application:
facilitating the acquisition of whole fleets of Duesenbergs for my grandpappy Prescott and his Hitler-fellating cronies.
Because who wants a merciful meritocracy when you're born with mad loot?
That said, I understand many of you are concerned that your constituents won't accept my impending mutilation
of this sacred social contract. You're concerned that the massive oldster lobby, the
AARP, is wringing its piss-drenched Depends in a sour little knot over our gloriously compassionate plans. So let me start by offering you
loyal Christian soldiers a simple piece of advice: grow a fucking pair of sperm bells already! The dentures-and-dementia class
can bitch and moan all they want. It's not like we have anything to fear from voters so decrepit, their annoying protests
are totally ignored by all the younger generations who will actually suffer the consequences of us
gang-raping their futures!
Do you know what an "opportunity society" is? Neither do I, but I'm spouting it constantly these days because it sounds all individualistic,
strong, and self-empowering – so long as we never mention that a democracy IS an opportunity
society. Well, theoretically anyway, unless those in power do everything we can to discourage (preferably thwart)
a citizen's so-called right to vote.
So moving forward, whenever anyone asks you what we're doing to Social Security, simply repeat this line: "Allowing people to invest in their retirement
means that they have control over their retirement." Sure, it's bunk. But never forget that all those non-rich retirement-age
losers have only themselves to blame that they weren't born trustafarians or got lots of hot tips
on the sure-thing stocks which might have otherwise bankrolled their twilight year diets of Fancy Feast cat food. Yes, because by
forcing all Americans to play the glorified craps table that is the stock market, we funnel billions of
dollars directly into Wall Street – dollars which in turn boomerang right back to where they belong: paying
for the upkeep on our helipad-equipped yachts!
Finally, when talking to voters, please remember lesson numero uno from this past election: fear
sells. Tell them that Social Security is about to run out of money, even though it isn't a fund but a re-appropriation
of current tax revenue. And to your younger constituents, tell them to keep watching MTV, swilling tooty-fruity
malt beverages, and whatever you do, don't remind them how they all got laid off four years ago because the markets
are so easily manipulated by the older, wiser, and almost incomprehensibly greedy.
Your God-Ordained Ruler,
GWB/kr
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