THE PRESIDENT: Good morning, and welcome to Crawford. You know, one of the great benefits of being me is that whenever you dip in to your four months of annual paid vacation time, it's like the rest of the world pretty much totally stops. Yup, all holed up with no pesky cameras around, you and your wife and daughters can privately celebrate our Savior's birth all week long – starting last Saturday morning with the present opening, then continuing on for five solid days with the present drinking.

Now let me answer some questions. Deb?

Q: Mr. President, were you offended by the suggestion that the United States has been slow to respond to the tsunami disaster?

THE PRESIDENT: The suna-who?

Get the GODLY New Book!

Q: The tsunami, sir. The giant tidal wave that killed over 100,000 people four days ago.

THE PRESIDENT: Oh. That. Well of course somebody briefed me on something like that a few days back. Said it probably looked kinda like the beginning of Hawaii Five-0 – except without that song.

Anyway, I'm responding now, aren't I? Doesn't seem slow to me. Because you know I've been busy here in Crawford. Among other things, I've got a new Lionel model train set under the tree this year, and just keeping them little locomotives chugging around in circles without smashing into each other takes just about 100% of my attention, Deb.

Tom?

Q: Sir, a large percentage of those killed in the tsunami catastrophe were Muslims. Has your failure to comment on the disaster until now constituted a missed opportunity to reach out to the global Islamic community?

THE PRESIDENT: Well, let me just say that I've been doing everything in my power to reach out to the Muslamians ever since I took office back in 2001. Heck, I even let those people into the White House every November to break pita bread and scarf down sheep eyeball couscous at their little Ishtar dinner thing, don't I? So don't go telling me about how I don't care about the Muslamoids. Haven't I been doing everything in my power to bomb them into FREEDOM^®?

Now isn't anybody going to compliment me on my new cowboy belt buckle? Pickles got me that.

Bif?

Q: Mr. President, some critics are charging that in addition to coming late, that your administration's monetary commitment to the tsunami disaster's relief has been meager, at best. How do you respond?

THE PRESIDENT: Well I don't care what anyone says. Today I have pledged $35 million in relief assistance, which is around 3% of what I spent on TV commercials bashing John Kerry. So, I mean, let's be realistic here and keep our priorities straight. Those Orientals are already dead. Now if it were possible for an army of drownded zombie Asiatics to win the Democratic nomination, well then I might consider throwing some real coin at this. But until then, what's the point?

Jeannie?

Q: With so many horrible scenes of death and destruction being broadcast from tsunami ground zero, what would you recommend to parents who are struggling to explain this event to their children?

THE PRESIDENT: Well first of all, let me say that I resent those people trying to steal America's word. Everyone knows that "ground zero" always has and always will mean "Jew York City." So just forget about applying it to silly little non-events like this minor Asian coastal flooding or when 200,000 Japs got vaporized by Uncle Sam in 1945.

Now as for explaining it to children, keep in mind that at the moment the earthquake struck, it may have already been December 26th in Asia, but it was still Christmas in God's home country of America. And well, He had been waiting patiently all day long for those foreigners to do something nice for His boy Jesus' birthday – but none of them did. So the lesson here for boys and girls is simple: take care to thank Jesus for letting you live each and every day, or one day, He will up and kill you!

Mitch?

Q: Sir, many of us in the news media have spent the past four days breathlessly touting the possibility that we here in America are also vulnerable to a major tsunami. What do you think?

THE PRESIDENT: Well as you know, people look at me, and they see strength. That's why they re-elected me over that guy who can actually talk. Because you know, it's important to think that some dude you only ever see on TV is strong when you yourself have totally surrendered to irrational paranoia.

That's right, because the American people have come to accept – with my help – that they are in constant danger of being killed. If not by killer Arabiacs with box cutters or pen lasers, then by killer sharks or killer white powder, or heck, I guess even one of these killer wave things will do the trick.

So yeah, I think it's something that folks need to be aware of, and be thinking about all the time. And while they're at it, they should also start getting used to the idea that the only person who can save them from a big bad old mega-wave is me – or my baby brother Jebber, of course.

And that's a wrap. Unprecedented global catastrophe or not, I've got three more days of paid vacation to get back to!

So thank you, and may God continue to bless America by not drowning us all like rats.

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