STATEMENT BY THE PRESIDENT PRIOR TO SIGNING LEGISLATION IMPROVING AMERICA'S DEFENDITUDE THROUGH SWEEPING ENSMARTENIZING OF THE INTELLIGENCIARY
Bill Signing Statement by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. In a few minutes, I will sign into law the most dramatic change in our
nation's intelligencing capabilities since sneaky Asian kids first blew out the grading curve on the
SAT math section.
(Applause.)
Under this new law, America's most secretive CIA and FBI cubicle monkeys, who have spent over a half
century perfecting the fine bureaucratic arts of passive aggression, info hoarding, and micro-fiefdom
building, will now magically become happily subservient to an all-new figurehead called the Director
of National Intelligence (DNI).
(Applause.)
In other news, Congress is also preparing legislation that will spontaneously create a whole race of
purple-haired unicorn people who can see the future and fly at the speed of light!
(Applause.)
As you may have heard, this new intelligenciary bill is the direct byproduct of the conclusions and
recommendations of the bipartisan "9/11 Commission" – whose very establishment I fought tooth and
nail for so long. But you know, now that I think back on it, I might have been wrong about that. After
all, anything called the "9/11 Commission" means I get to say "9/11" every time I mention it. And since
I don't get to invoke "9/11" more than every two minutes or so, I welcome any opportunity to utter
those election-winning numbers. Hell, if it were up to me, we'd pass a law to replace the words "the,"
"and," and "it" with just plain "9/11." And then I could be all, "Welcome to 9/11 White House, Laura 9/11
me is real glad you could make 9/11!"
(Applause.)
Yes, I had my doubts about the 9/11 Commission. But today, three years and $15 million dollars later, I'm
proud to say I agree with the majority of Americans who support the 9/11 Commission's awe-inspiring
conclusion: "Let's hire one dude who'll pay real hard attention to that spying stuff."
Nearly six decades ago, President Truman – waging the heroic Cold War against the mega-spooky Red Scare – did
a bigtime government reorganizationizing of his own. He established the Central Intelligence Agency and the
National Security Council, among other things, and in so doing created the system through which generation after generation of chest-pounding political opportunists scored easy points by cultivating mass panic over the bogeyman of communism.
Today, we have a new freedom-hating bogeyman – terror. Yes, instead of spectral "commies infiltrating our
institutions," we have spectral "killers hiding in our cities." And that means one thing – our current
generation of mostly-cosmetic politicians needs a mostly-cosmetic government reorganizitizing. And this
bill does just that, leaving 99% of our crumbling intelligence infrastructure untouched, and installing
the aforementioned Director of National Intelligence, who will serve the crucial function of providing a
high-profile resignation after the next inevitable terrorist attack we're currently taking so much credit for
having prevented thus far. Is that a win-win or what?
(Applause.)
In closing, let us pray that this mega-corporate re-org will, once implemented, successfully finalize our
government's outright surrender to terror hysteria, and hopefully produce the conditions in the US Congress
– Jesus willing – from which a modern-day Joe McCarthy figure will spring – employing noble fearmongering to
justify a glorious decade-long orgy of Constitution gutting and mass falafel vendor witch trials.
(Applause.)
In case you're wondering, my money's on Denny Hastert.
(Laughter and Applause.)
And so, I'm now pleased and honored to sign into law the Intelligencing Reformatory and Terrorism Preventionizing
Act of 2004.
(Applause.)
(The bill is signed.)
(Applause.)
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