TRANSCRIPT OF PRESIDENT BUSH'S LATE NIGHT, TOTALLY NON-PARTISAN PHONE CALL TO PENNSYLTUCKY "REPUBLICAN" ARLEN SPECTER
Official Presidential Transcript
[Begin Transcript]
SENATOR SPECTER: H-hello?
WHITE HOUSE OPERATOR: Please hold for the Presi-
THE PRESIDENT: SSHHHHHHHHHH!
WHITE HOUSE OPERATOR: Please hold for... for?
THE PRESIDENT: [Whispering] Tell him it's "Deep Anus!" [Squeals of Laughter, Smacking of Knees]
WHITE HOUSE OPERATOR: Um. Please hold for "Deep Anus."
SENATOR SPECTER: Who is this?
THE PRESIDENT: It doesn't matter who this is, what matters is who is this.
SENATOR SPECTER: Whoever this is – it's past two in the morning! What do you want?
THE PRESIDENT: I'm a friend. I just wanted to call you up and tell you it is in your best interest to
start tucking the kosher family sausage between your quivering old thighs and do the zombie Texas two-step up
on Capitol Hill... or else, JewFro. Call it a little neighborly warning.
SENATOR SPECTER: What are you talking about?
THE PRESIDENT: I know people in DC, and lemme say: they are not too happy about you. Seems you think
that if you get elected, you're supposed to represent the beliefs and values of the morons who done
voted for you. I know for a fact that those scrapple-inhaling, bonnet-wearing rednecks in Pennsylvania
are good God-fearing paranoids who hate faggots and baby murder as much as they love working hard in
a thankless job just so they can afford stacks of lottery tickets. Hell, Rick Santorum is from your
state-and he's got all the good parts of a Nazi, like a hatred of retards, homos, and minorities with
self-esteem, a superior gait, and a love of leather.
SENATOR SPECTER: I resent those accusations!
THE PRESIDENT: Look, Arlene...
SENATOR SPECTER: ARLEN! Senator ARLEN Specter!
THE PRESIDENT: Whatever. You know, and I know, the only real power in the Senate is in the hands of
Committee Chairmen. And the Judiciary Committee is the only obstacle between King Boss in the White
House, and stacking the Supreme Court with enough literal Constitutionalist and smug, moralizing yahoos
that'll overturn every annoying bit of legislation that protects the little people from the government.
I think we can agree on that, right Arlen?
SENATOR SPECTER: We most certainly don't–
THE PRESIDENT: See, when you go in front of a bunch of reporters and don't preach directly from the White
House's gospel, which we print real big and easy to read-like, and talk trash about not nominating pro-life
candidates for the Big Bench, it makes certain people want to prevent you from having any real power on the
Hill. And what with you being in line for Chairman of the Judiciary Committee... well, let's just say, as
a friend, I think you should be careful.
SENATOR SPECTER: Careful how?
THE PRESIDENT: You and I share common ground Arlen... and common campaign contributions. But at the end of
the day, as Republicans, we want to build a world where the serfs know their place, where government
entitlements are no more-unless you count how they entitle our team to a larger slice of the moolah pie,
and the pharmaceutical industry taxes middle class pack mules one happy pill at a time. And most of all,
a world where only our daughters can have their baby buckets flushed out, if only to keep up appearances,
while the rest of that filthy gender are eternally hobbled by babies who keep them out of trouble, before
growing up to be good little Marines.
SENATOR SPECTER: I vote my conscience, and I won't be bullied....
THE PRESIDENT: Let me put it this way: do what the fuck your told, or I'll personally scratch out your
piss-ant footnote in the history books of tomorrow. I mean, Tommy Ridge is on his way OOOUUUTTT – and
he was another uppity pro-choice Fakepublican like you. And don't think the Democrats can help you. They're
as worthless as FDR's running shoes.
SENATOR SPECTER: I... I...
THE PRESIDENT: Don't get all weepy on me. Lemme tell you a joke. You hear the one about the distinguished
Republican Senator from frustratingly moderate Pennsylvania who cried "Pro-Choice"?
SENATOR SPECTER: Uh....
THE PRESIDENT: [Loud, Patriotic Fart] HAR HAR HAR! Don't forget, Arlen, I'm your pal!
[END TRANSCRIPT]
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White House Information:
