LETTER FROM ATTORNEY GENERAL JOHN ASHCROFT RESIGNING HIS POSITION AS AMERICA'S TOP MUSLAMOID GULAG WARDEN AND DEFENDER FROM CIVIL LIBERITES
Formal Justice Department Communication
From the Desk of John Ashcroft
Dear Mr. President:
Nothing in my long Pentecostal life – perhaps with the exception of praying while clutching a fistful of
ornery rattlers driven to inter-species passion by my rodent-scented anointing oil – has
ever compared with the joyous quasi-omnipotence of serving as United States Attorney General
for the past four years. I must say, the view is clear and bracing up here above the law.
On some days, I can almost see the golden ramparts of Jesus' mansion in Glory.
As you know, early 2001 was a difficult time for me. Not only had my funky Christian rock band
broken up, but Missouri voters, after twice electing me Governor and once Senator, had
observed how many of my policies are delivered in the tongues of lost languages (which often, to
the alarm of some, sound like the rantings of an unhinged colored person suffering fits of
crack-withdrawal paranoia). Satan, therefore, got the voters of my state to engage in
electoral necrophilia by choosing to vote for a corpse rather than send me back to Washington.
Thankfully, the Lord (and your evangelical puppet masters) had higher plans for me than the
know-nothing, Devil-pleasing rabble of the Show Me State. With God as my witness, if I wasn't
so darn saved, I'd have unhitched this crucifix belt buckle and showed them something all right!
Mr. President, the demands of the Department of Justice are no different than those of God: they give you
reward, but kill you in the process. In the wake of September 11th, I have taken great satisfaction
in participating in your Administration's mighty exorcism of civil liberties and Arabiac incarceration
without liberal pipedreams like "due process" and that convention they had over in that Geneva place.
And though I have particularly enjoyed exploiting 9/11™ to prove that I'm every bit the man
Janet Reno was, I am also saddened that the issue of terrorism has proved so all-consuming, that I have
been unable to crusade against my one true obsession: gonzo girl-on-girl pornography.
As such, I believe that the Department of Justice would be well served by new leadership, thereby
freeing me to focus my energies, talents and willy to a full-time freelance investigation of the
Perversion and Indecency Industry – into which our wholesome Christian citizenry funnels
untold billions of dollars each and every year. Rest assured that I shall not tire until I
have painstakingly analyzed and documented every last filthy magazine, deviant website,
lewd pay-per-view offering, and orgiastic Cambodian tourism package that so degrade our great
and moral population.
Therefore, I humbly state my desire to resign from the office of United States Attorney General in
strict accordance with the terms agreed upon during my unpleasant lunch with Dick Cheney that turned
into an exit interview before I had even ordered my warm milk. It is my understanding that in
consideration for me having kept this all quiet until after the election, you will
tell everyone that going was my decision, not Mrs. Cheney's. And I agree to your request to start
spreading rumors that I am leaving to be available to take a position on the Supreme Court solely
to drive liberals crazy in exchange for me being able to use Mr. Cheney's bunker should the Apocalypse
prove more unpleasant for me than I have otherwise been led to believe.
May Jesus continue to bless, guide, and direct your hand in the reinvention of America as a
globally-despised theocratic empire.
In His Name,
John Ashcroft
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