THE PRESIDENT Good morning. As most everyone knows by now, the USA's vaccine supply for the 2004-2005 flu season has recently been cut in half. As a result, every last member of our glorious population of self-obsessed navel-gazers is now convinced they're in imminent danger of catching a weaponized flupox, which will cause rivers of radioactive blue-green maggot snot to gush profusely from every last stinky hole in their vile, shameful bodies.

Now of course I normally have no problem with the news media stoking the fires of mass panic this way – so long as it's related to terrorism or other spooky evildoer stuff that causes my approval ratings to rise. But when it's related to that whole boring domestic management stuff that my MBA was supposed to make me so good at, well that's another story. A not very good story either – unlike that great "My Pet Goat" story I couldn't tear myself away from back on 9/11^TM.

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This vaccine business is, of course, an issue that is of considerable concern to America's crabby seniors, who as a group demonstrate an unfortunate, dementia-fueled enthusiasm for actually participating in our democracy. And with the Presidential election just two weeks away, I must confess to being concerned that some oldsters might incorrectly blame me when dozens of their feeble friends and loved ones start drowning in their own phlegm. And if that happens, some might even forget all the hard work I've put into Medicare, such as guaranteeing preventative embalming and cremation and the wonderful prescription benefits plan that will kick in in 2006 – once it's too late to vote for my opponent.

That's why, in a gratuitous nod to insincere populism, I have decided to score a few PR points by announcing that I will NOT be getting my flu shot this year. That's right – no common sense preventative medicine for this leader of the free world. Because I'm an ultra-virile manly man, who's totally immune to the pesky maladies that afflict lesser beings: stuff like viruses, the draft, and insider trading investigations. But even if I weren't – what's the worst that could happen if I got sick? I stop working and lounge around in Crawford for a month? So what else is new? Anyway, what is the flu if not a good excuse to shotgun whole bottles of Robitussin and take relaxing four hour mid-day naps? And boy howdy do I love those!

Even so, the reality remains that it's looking like 50% of old folks aren't going to get their flu shots. Unfortunately for me, most geriatrics are so senile, they already forgot that last year's flu vaccine was the wrong formulation entirely, which pretty much meant that 100% of them might as well have been injected with their own wizz.

And that's why I'm so confused over John Kerry DARING to imply that since my FDA lackeys were repeatedly warned of this eventuality, that somehow I'm responsible just because I'm the guy in charge. Well my friends, that's the same kind of preposterous "the buck stops here" non-logic that gives terrorists the green light to storm into America's very best country club day care centers and slit the throats of every last pretty little girl with sparkly blue eyes and Cindy Brady blond hair.

Which is why today, I'm proud to dodge John Kerry's political bullet by introducing the following three-point plan to help oldsters stay flu-free – at least until November 3rd.

PRESIDENT'S GERIATRIC FLU SURVIVAL PLAN

Germ Avoidance: Germs are one of the leading causes of viral infections. Take pains to prevent the introduction of germs into your system. Seclude yourself in an irradiated, germ-free clean room for the duration of the flu season. If you must venture out of doors, insulate yourself against airborne germs using a FEMA-approved "STEPO" biohazard suit, or by slipping several Hefty Cinch-Sacs over your head and securing them snugly about your neck. Avoid touching germy objects such as filth, urinal cakes, and sticky grandchildren. Avoid both germanic peoples and vacation destinations in which germ warfare has been waged. Finally, if you live in a nursing home, resist the temptation to surrender to the orgiastic bliss of unprotected, anonymous, all-night group sex in the basement physical therapy center. NOTE: Should germ avoidance prove infeasible or unsuccessful, proceed immediately to steps two and three for thorough and effective treatment. Prayer Leeches

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