PRESIDENT'S 2ND ANNUAL REMARKS TO U.N. GENERAL ASSEMBLY GRACIOUSLY INVITING WORLD'S JANITOR COUNTRIES TO PLUNGE THE GLORIOUS FREEDOM® TOILET THAT IS U.S.-OCCUPIED IRAQ
Statement by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Ladies and gentlemen, delegates of the world, and most especially that Buckwheat-looking Secretary General guy
Koffee Anonymous – thank you for once again enduring my presence here at the United Nations. I can't tell you how great
it is to stand on this hallowed stage, pretending to talk to you all, when in fact I'm really just here to get some film
clips for my final round of campaign ads.
(Silence)
As you know, my administration goes out of its way to flaunt its contempt for the United Nations at every opportunity. Why?
Because as Republicans, there are two things we despise more than all others: idealistic bureaucrats and uppity darkies.
Oh, and funny-talking foreigners. Especially the French. And Germans. And anyone who disagrees with us. And smart folks. In short,
all of you people.
(Silence)
Now every year since 9/11™, I've addressed this General Assembly. The first time was just eight short weeks after 9/11™.
On that day, the sense of brotherhood in this room was palpable. And no, not just because this assembly is one big
multinational sausage hang. No, it was something much more. Because for the first time, this room, filled as it is with
upper crust politicos living in the lap of New York City luxury, had felt first-hand the pain and heartbreak of watching
their stock portfolios so unimaginably ravaged by a single day of terrorism. And so for one brief moment, it was
as if we were a family.
Then two years ago, when I returned to this chamber to inform you all
that I had unilaterally decided to exact personal vengeance on Saddam
bin Laden, the brotherhood was suddenly gone. You said that your lame inspections indicated there were no serious weapons
in Iraq. Said I needed "evidence" that Saddam was an immediate threat to America's red state heartland backwaters. So
several months later, I sent my little cotton-picker Colin Powell to show you the irrefutable proof.
Yet even then, you arrogantly balked.
You said our WMD intelligence was flimsy. You said that the human and financial costs of
an invasion would be too great. You said that Iraq's infrastructure would be decimated. You said that Iraq would
become a magnet for terrorist groups and decapitation-happy religious extremists. And you said that long-simmering
hatred between the Sunni and Shi'ites would boil over, catapulting Iraq to the brink of civil war.
Man, how stupid were you all? I mean, a quick look at updates from FOX News makes it crystal clear that absolutely
NONE of that stuff is true! But I'm not here today to rub your snotty colored noses in a big steaming pile of
I-told-you-so. No sir I'm not. I tried that last year. This year, I'm
here to ramble on about stuff like hope and FREEDOM® and liberty and democracy and dignity and peace and whatever other words
my speech writers can find in the Microsoft Word thesaurus that sound so damned warm and fuzzy, you couldn't possibly
disagree with them.
(Silence)
Because with over a thousand U.S. military grunts dead, I figured now would be a good time to re-invite you people
to share in the glory of fixing up all that Iraqi stuff I bombed to shit. You'll find the challenge is extra SUPER
rewarding, what with all the locals being in a bloodthirsty frenzy over a little thing like me having killed 14,000
of their friends and family!
(Silence)
Besides, with me running neck-in-neck in the upcoming election with a horse-faced Faggachusetts liberal whose entire plan for making Iraq better
is to jam his tongue down you all's butt cracks, I thought "what could be more fun than coming here and stealing a little
bit of his wussy thunder?!" Nothing! Even if it is in a totally insincere and cynical way.
(Silence)
So how about it? Wanna send your best and brightest into that mega-dangerous clusterfuck I went ahead and created
after you all specifically warned me not to?
(Silence)
For the sake of FREEDOM® and democracy and peace and hope and rainbows and puppy dogs?
(Silence)
You don't need to answer now. We'll be following up with you later.
(Silence)
Thanks. I know you'll do the right thing!
(Silence)
And even if you don't, we can still edit this down into one hell of a 30-second campaign spot.
(Silence)
So good day, thank you, and God Bless America – the one country He loves a zillion times more than all the others put together!
(Boos)
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