THE PRESIDENT: Good evening. Today being Rosh Sha-na-na, the Hebe version of Groundhog Day, I realized that this would be a magic chance to speak to you press hounds without your Jew-skinned brethern and sistern here to misport my words. So unless anyone smells smoked salmon, let's get to it.

This morning, while I was watching my Dukes of Hazard re-runs, Laura came storming into the rumpus room, bawling about some new book called "The Family." Well it seems this muckraking Kitty Kelley broad claims to have dug up some primo dirt on the old Bush clan. Well, if there's one thing that gets me more fired-up than Laura interupting the Duke boys just when they're about to outrun Enos, it's some inky-fingered gossip monger who thinks she can shake up the Bushes with a few juicy little tidbits of flim-flam. Bushes aren't pussies, Kitty, and I for one don't intend to take this kind of hog-waller filth lying down.

Now, just to tackle a few examples:

One. According to Kitty Kelley, there was some blabbermouth who worked with me on the '72 Alambama Senate campaign who said I "...liked to sneak out back for a joint of marijuana or into the bathroom for a line of cocaine."

Get the GODLY New Book!

Now listen carefully – anyone who really knew the young me at the time of that 1972 campaign will tell you each and every time that I was strictly freebasing my coke that year. So any allegation that I was cutting up lines of booger-sugar in a bathroom is therefore utterly fantastical, and what's more, it's made up!

Two. Kelley claims that when Laura went to Southern Methodist University in '68, she was known as "a go-to girl for dime bags of marijuana... She not only smoked dope, but she sold dope."

Laura, bless her heart, was strictly a psychedelics pusher. Mescaline and microdots – that was her trade. Kitty Kelley painting my future wife as a measly ganja peddler belies the quantity and – as my flashbacks will attest to – the quality of "Crazy Laura's" product.

Three. Kelley reports that, when I was at Harvard, my Macroeconomics professor, Yoshi Tsurumi, recalled me saying, when asked to talk about the Depression, "Look. People are poor because they are lazy." He also supposedly said that I "came across as totally lacking compassion, with no sense of history, completely devoid of social responsibility and unconcerned with the welfare of others."

This one is clearly fabricarded, because I ditched the entire semester of Macro-econ. The class was a Friday morn'er, and Thursday night was the Skull and Bones' society's "Pin the Tail in the Streetwalker's Poop Chute" down at old Eli. Safe to say, I was far too zonked to wake up before noon, let alone explain to some Professor Hong Kong Phooey about why real money's only for those who got borned with it.

Four. Kelley claims I said that, during the Vietnam War, "I was not prepared to shoot my eardrum out with a shotgun in order to get a deferment... Nor was I willing to go to Canada. So I chose to better myself by learning how to fly airplanes."

Kitty, you must be even dumber than you are stupid. How the hell would anyone be able to shoot their eardrum out with a shotgun?! You'd blow your whole dang fool head off, woman!

Five. When I was a junior at Yale, I got engaged to Cathy Wolfman, whose stepfather was a Yid. Supposedly, my Mammy put the Kai-bash on the whole affair. Kelley has it that family friend Cody Shearer heard Bar say, "There'll be no Jews in this family."

(Pause)

Actually, that one there's right on the money. Broke my heart, too... That there Long Island poon was the sweetest I've ever known.

(Long Sigh)

(Tears Up)

(Trudges Away From Podium)

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