WHITE HOUSE REMARKS BY GOVERNOR ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER EXPLAINING NEW CALIFORNIA LAW PROHIBITING SEX WITH CORPSES – EVEN THE TOTALLY SMOKING HOT ONES
Statement by the Governor
GOVERNOR SCHWARZENEGGER: Tank you, tank you. It is a great honor to be back here in ze Rose Garden again.
I only vish I could have known my wife's hot grandmama so I could have been in Rose's garden, if you know vat I meanz!
(Applause.)
You know, in ze one year since ze people of Kallyfohrnia elected Ahnuld
to bend Grey Davis over ze chair und give it to him like ze skinny little girlie man zat he is, I have been very busy –
mainly vis ze budget. Yah, every day, Ahnuld fills out ze hundreds und hundreds of ze pre-approved Visa und Mastercard
applications, und zen iz paying for ze stuff Kallyfohrnia needs vis zoze. Und let me tell you – zat iz very hard –
almost as hard as ze Governator's foot-long knockwurst of love!
(Applause.)
But zen earlier zis veek, I did anozer zing, too – vich is vat President Boosh invited me here today to tell all
ze people about. Yah, I signed ze new law
zat makes it a crime to be fucking ze bitches who iz no longer breathing. Mainly because there iz no point in fucking ze
bitches if they can no longer screamz, "No!" Und not just fucking zem in ze pussies und ze assholes, but
also in ze mouths – vich can be kind of tricky if ze slut has ze head cold, but ze mouth is too full of ze Schwarzecockken
for zere to be any breathing through zere!
Now to tell you ze truth, zis porking ze corpses vas not zumzing zat I vaz ever too vorried about. But zen vun day my sveet
little secretary vis ze perky tits und ze beaver she let me shave in ze designs of a swastika comes in und puts ze bill on my desk.
Vell ze first zing
I vundered vas, "Does zis law mean no more of ze fucking action for my mozzah-in-law?"
Vich is vy I signed it vis no qvestions!
(Applause.)
You know zey say zat "As Kallyfohrnia goes, so goes ze nation!" Und zat is so true! Iz like ven ze people in Kallyfohrnia
started up ze roller blades und ze getting raped by ze Texas energy conglomerates like ze Enron – now all ze Americans are
enjoying zis! Und zat is vy today, I vanted to take a few of ze minutes to explain ze two parts of zis new law – because
now zat Kallyfohrnia has gone cold turkey, soon ze rest of America vill stop kumming
in ze corpses, too!
Ze first zing to know about zis new law is ze technical definition of ze corpse. Zis part is very important. Yah, because
sometimes ven you are pounding avay at ze amazon Kennedy in ze bed, und it is just lying zere like a sack of scheiße vis ze
big chicklet teeth, it is almost impossible to know vezzer or not ze bitch is alive. Vell, ze corpse is only really ze corpse
ven zere is no heartbeat. So alvays be sure to slap ze bitch every so often to see if she scream, or you may be committing ze crime!
Ze second und final zing to know about zis new law iz ze correct definition of ze fucking. Because ven I signed ze law, zere
vere suddenly all zeze people calling me very vorried. Zey said to me, "Ahnuld! Are all of ve Republicans now going to go
to ze jail after ve had ze hot traveling orgy vis ze corpse of Ronald Reagan over ze summah???" Vell no, because zat kind
of kumming over ze corpses is OK. Yes, itz necrophilia. Yes, itz exhibitionism. But itz politics. Now if ve vent out to
Simi Valley und dug up ze Gipper und vuz jamming ze tube steaks or ze fingers
or ze Löwenbräu bottles in ze ice-cold Presidential poopah, now ZAT vould be illegal!
In closing, I just vanted to say zat I know zere are lots of ze guys like Ahnuld, who is alvays getting ze constant slices of ze
sveet poontang – or old hairy cocks iv ze money involved. And some, like our President, when no money iz involved. Und I know zat lots of zese guys is liking ze girls who don't speak und don't play ze "hard to get." Und zat
is OK. But as ze Governator, Ahnuld is giving friendly reminder to all ze guys – "Is cool to party vis and hump ze brain
dead Kallyfohrnia chicks, so long as zey is not REALLY dead when you start ze sex!"
Because if zere vaz one zing zat my family learned in ze Austria, it iz zat ven you have ze giant piles of ze dead people
lying around, some of zem are bound to be totally hot bitches. But instead of fucking zem, you had better be putting zem
into ze pizza ovens before zey start to strink up ze place. And zat iz what ze good governing is all about, yah?!
(Applause.)
I vant to tank President Boosh for inviting me – und also to tank Jenna und ze other one, for not being ze corpses!
(Applause.)
Tank you again, und God Bless ze great state of Kallyfohrnia und zeze United States of America!
(Applause.)
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